There is just no snarking this show. It’s too well-written and way too funny. But we can laugh together at the best lines.

• “Ned hates Halloween, you know. Makes him moodier than a pumpkin full of PMS.”
• “When he sees all this, you’re gonna be one sorry little zombie. Seriously, you’re so… dead.” I love Olive! She’s just precious.
• “What was that rhyme? I scream, you scream, we all scream ’cause you faked your death!” Hahaha.
• “Yeah, I guess I know Ned better than you do. And now, I guess I know you better than Ned does.” “Does Ned know what you think you know?” “No.” “Who does?” “Who knows?”
• “That’s how I look now when I feel nothing. My face relaxes into looking nervous.”
• Emerson: “Check please. Or cash. Cash is good.” Olive: “I wanna hire you. Technically I already have, since you were so grabby with the cash.” Hahaha. “Think of it as an escrow. Between my thighs.”
• Olive: “Yesterday, a farrier named Lucas Shoemaker was found dead. Trampled.” Emerson: “Why should I care about a dude that sells fur coats?” Olive: “Not furrier. A farrier. Air.” “Farrier?” “Blacksmith. Puts shoes on horses.” “Don’t try ta act like that’s a word everybody knows.” LOL. I love Emerson, too. Chi McBrides faces and comic timing are just perfect.
• “What did you… compete about?” “Promise you won’t laugh?” “No.” “I used to be a horse jockey.” And then Emerson laughs and laughs and laughs.
• “Hey, money, it’s me Emerson… Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you even though you was Olive’s money first? Yeah… Ok, thanks. The money don’t care. Touch him.”
• “I was in full orthodontic headgear for three years.” “When?” “Puberty.” “But you always had nice teeth.” “My aunts said it was a form of birth control.”
• Haha, Ned is petting his dog with the wooden arm from the last episode.
• Ned: “I’ll check out the stables. See if the perp left behind any clues.” Chuck: “You mean like protoplasm or melted crucifixes?” “Yeah, or… real clues.”
• The Jock-Off 2000. Haha.
• Barkeep: “Hey, listen, King Kong, you can finish your beer and go. I already told you you can finish your beer and go. We don’t want your kind in here.” Emerson: “Hey!” Barkeep: “Take a breath, big fella. I’m merely referring to the sign behind the bar.” The sign says: “McCoy’s Saddle Sores Saloon. Management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone over 60 inches. Too tall? Too bad. Take a hike!” A jockey bar, LOL.
• Olive: “Maybe John Joseph faked his death. People do that all the time.” Emerson: “No they don’t.” Olive: “Yeah they do. Sometimes they just don’t even try to cover it up. They just show up and ruin your life like no one’s ever gonna figure it out. But then you do figure it out, because you’re not an idiot. Are you an idiot?” Emerson: “No, because an idiot might misunderstand what you’re saying and hit you with this shovel.” Olive (whispering): “I think you know.” Emerson: “I think you’re wrong. Can we do this?” There are so many great things about that exchange. When Olive climbs up on that shovel and hangs from it? That’s so familiar to me. On account of me being 5′1″.
• LOL, “Sweet Secretariat!” And she calls the horse “A Horse with No Name.” Which is a song. By America. From the ’70s.
• Chuck: “Emerson! What are you doing here?!” Emerson: “There’s a legless skeleton of a horse in John Jacobs’s tomb, and Olive knows you’re dead.” “First of all, huh? And secondly, Olive thinks I faked my death, which is completely different to knowing that I’m dead.” “Yeah, different like purple and mauve.”
• I love that Aunt Vivian (or Lily, which is which?) is always carrying around a shotgun.
• Olive: “Hansel and Gretel would have lived a lot longer if they’d had to find this dump.” Chuck: “You know, Hansel and Gretel lived, by the way. Once they tricked the witch into the oven, they stole her jewels and went home with their father, only to discover that their stepmother, who had sent them into the woods, had died. Of evilness.” Emerson: “You can’t die of evilness.” Chuck: “Happens all the time. You do something mean or hurtful to someone, like… tell a secret, and BANG! You’re dead.” Olive: “Or BANG! You’re not really dead, you’re just pretending to be dead while other people who think you’re dead are heartbroken.” Emerson: “Or bang, you talk too much and you both go wait in the car.”
• Mrs. Jacobs: “What did you say your name was? Brandon? Butch?” Chuck: “Chuck.” Mrs. J.: “Chuck. Oh, I knew it was something unladylike. My point was that I have made peace with Johnny’s death. It wasn’t easy at first, but knowing that it was an accident, and that you stayed single, and that all the rest of them are drunks… It made it a little easier.” Olive: “How do you know I’m still single?” Mrs. J. (referring to Olive’s displayed cleavage): “Well, you wouldn’t need all that bait if your belly were full of fish, dear.” LOL.
• Haha, full-sized lawn jockeys on Mrs. Jacobs’s lawn.
• “I don’t know how we survived without it… It’s like a sex addiction!… I would imagine.”
• Chuck (to Ned): “I missed you.” Emerson (in high-pitched voice): “I missed you too.”
• Chuck: “Sometimes you have to keep a secret. Even if it means hurting someone.” Olive: “Exactly!… D*mmit!”
• BTW, I knew all along who the killer was.
• Olive: “I love In-Charge Ned.”
• John Joseph: “It only took two years until I could walk up the basement stairs on my own. And only another three until my mama let me.”
• No, Olive! Don’t go talk to his mother! She’s evil!
• Chuck: “What if he changes when his blood sugar level drops?” Olive: “Like a hypoglycemic werewolf!”
• Chuck: “Olive is innocent, she didn’t cut the girth.” Olive: “But I kept the secret.” Chuck: “SHHH!”
• Olive: “The old gray mare, she ain’t what she used to be, ain’t what she used to be…” That’s a song. And a Simpsons reference, Frank tells me.
• Lily: “I’ll get my gun.” Vivian: “And I’ll get the candy bowl.” Awww.

I love that the dead guy’s name was John Joseph Jacobs. And John Jacobs made me think of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.” I love the whole Olive/Chuck dynamic now that Olive knows the secret and thinks Ned doesn’t. I love that Olive loves the aunts. And Emerson. He’s pure comedy gold. And I think he’s starting to feel a little sorry for Olive.

We have to wait two weeks for the next one. :-(