I’m just wondering. Did Marie faint last week? Because I hadn’t heard anything about that. Samantha says last week was unpredictable. I wonder why that was. Edyta loves her headbands. Hey. Did Marie fall last week? I haven’t heard.

Sabrina & Mark are dancing first. Mark had to be the fourth Cheetah Girl this week, because Sabrina is shooting a video and a promo this week. They’ll foxtrot. Ok, wait. They’re foxtrotting to “I’m a Woman.” It’s an awful fast song for a foxtrot. And you know what makes me mad about that? The producers pick the songs, not the dancers. That’s a bit of a disadvantage. It was too fast and harsh for a foxtrot. I was in the kitchen when they said what kind of dance they would be doing, so when I watched the dance, I was having a hard time figuring it out. It had foxtrotty moves, but had the passion of a tango or a paso. I’ll give it an 8.5 anyway, just because I blame the producers for giving them a crappy song to foxtrot to. And I’ll vote for it. Stupid producers. Don’t they know she’s what’s keeping the show interesting? It’s certainly not Cameron’s robotic hips or Marie’s goofiness. Are they deliberately trying to screw her? Len says it was all too hard, too aggressive. Yeah, well what’s up with the songs they’re giving her? They should never have let out the secret that the dancers and professionals don’t pick the music. Bruno agrees with Len, and Carrie Ann disagrees. Mark just looks at her with such a precious face. And he kisses her on the side of the head a lot. It’s adorable, they are so cute together. 9-8-8 (25) from the judges. Ouch.

Jennie & Twiggy are next (I love that it rhymes with Lenny & Squiggy). They’re gonna mambo. Y’all know how I feel about Latin dances. And the ridiculous clothes they wear for them (this week in coral!). This is a really good dance, but Jennie has a problem with doing her kicks a little halfwayish. Not high kicks, just normal kicking-at-the-floor kicks. They’re kind of an afterthought with her. This dance is full of crazy moves and Twister and daring stuff that always looks cool. Jennie forgets her place a couple of times. Otherwise, I’d give it a ten. I give it a nine. Judges love it. 9-9-9 (27) from the judges. Huh. Twiggy is suddenly looking less girlish. What’s that about?

Jane & Tony are next, and they’ll jive. I’ll try to stay awake. Jane loves the jive because it’s very American and fun. Tony says that the jive was made popular by American soldiers during World War II, so they’re gonna go visit a naval base. They show a picture of a sailor in the ’40s. Anyway, I just want to point out that sailor does not equal soldier. Anyway, Jane is talking about what an honor it is to visit the military who serve “our” country. That gives me warm fuzzies, because she’s not one of those Brits who comes over here to make money entertaining and then goes home to Britain and trashes America. But then they get to the dancing. It’s more boring than waiting for a constipated dog to finish pooing (even though that’s fun for Rachel Lucas). It’s sloppy and just looks lazy, like they didn’t even try to go through the motions. Six from me. 8-7-7 (22) from Jane & Tony. Aw, Tony called it “our country” too. I love it when the foreigners love being here. But the dance still sucked.

Cameron & Edyta are next. They’re gonna samba. Ech. Edyta takes Cameron to a Brazilian restaurant to inspire him. They should eat the food, but instead they talk to the customers. I guess Edyta is supposed to be Pocahontas or something. Who is Cameron supposed to be? All I know is his hips still act nothing like they’re supposed to. What’s the opposite of fluid? And what’s the opposite of enjoyable? And I think Cameron screwed up the end of the dance a little. He covered well, though. Six from me. That was as bad as Jane’s. PaulaCarrie Ann likes it, but the men pan it. 9-8-8 (25) from the judges. Oh my goodness. Stop the madness! Cameron says he’ll dance in a thong if he’s in the finale. Agh! My mind’s eye!

Mel & Maks are next, and they will rumba. That was very good and sexy. But after Maks pumping up the whole love/hate thing, I didn’t see the hate so much. Looked like mostly love. Was that just me? Either way, it was a beautiful dance (for a Latin dance). 9.5 from me. Much love from the judges. 10-10-10 (30). And Samantha points out that they rehearsed less than any of the other groups.

Marie & Jonathan are next. Wow! Marie fainted last week! Did y’all know that? This takes me completely by surprise. Hey, did y’all know Marie fainted? And did y’all know that she fainted? And that she fainted? And that she fainted? They’re gonna paso. Marie continues to drop the pounds. She looks sexy here. And I’m sorry, but this is a paso, right? I feel like I’m watching a Latin waltz on barbiturates. Oh, and she does a pass-out move for drama. Hey, did she faint or something? Six from me. Worse even than Cameron and Jane. Interesting, Len just said she fainted the last time he critiqued her. I’ve heard nothing of this. Is it true? Len says it was good, Carrie Ann says eh, and Bruno calls her Catherine Zeta Cranky. 8-8-7 (23) from the judges.

Helio & Julianne are next with a cha cha cha. That was a fun dance, and he’s smiling again, and it’s great. Other than those outfits. Nine from me. Judges love it. 9-10-9 (28) from the judges. Helio is so happy to get his first ten.

And now it’s all about the group dance. Hey, did Marie faint? ‘Cause I’m just now hearing about that. Anyway, the group dance is a lot of fun. My favorite parts were when Sabrina flipped Mark and when Helio & Julianne did their thing.

My order:
Mel & Maks (9.5)
Jennie & Twiggy (9)
Helio & Julianne (9)
Sabrina & Mark (8.5)
Cameron & Edyta (6)
Jane & Tony (6)
Marie & Jonathan (6)

So my prediction: Marie & Jonathan and Jane & Tony are the bottom two, and Marie & Jonathan go home.