You know what is teh total suck? Losing your post when you’ve already written about the craziest thing all season to happen on DWTS. Now I have to start from the beginning. I accidentally hit the wrong button, and I hadn’t saved yet, and the autosave hadn’t kicked in yet, so I lost all of Marie & Jonathan, including that big surprise. I’ll try to rewrite it the same, and I won’t leave out the part where I was berating them and being a terd right as Marie was hitting the floor.

Ok, so I start over. Four have departed, and eight remain. And somehow, Tom says that the competition has reached the halfway point. Four plus eight equals… TV math. Maybe it’s like in soap operas where the toddler is gone for two weeks and ages ten years. Except backwards. Yay! Samantha has not morphed back into Drew! Boo! It’s all Latin all the time tonight. Let me just get the throwing up in my mouth a little out of the way now… Ok, thanks, all done. Sambas and rumbas. Blerg. Mark Cuban looks like Johnny Five. (Johnny Five was a robot. See, Mark Cuban looks like a robot. Get it? Kthx.) And apparently, he and Kym will be dreaming of Jeannie tonight.

Oh, and the sound at the beginning is still awful. FIX IT!

Marie & Jonathan will be sambaing. Wow, in her interview, Marie looks like she’s lost significant weight in this competition. She says something about it being a sexy, fun dance. And nothing says sexy like going to sing with your Mormon brothers, Marie! Oh dear. She’s wearing turquoise cake icing around her thighs. And… Well, this is a snoozer. Jonathan is not the best choreographer. And I am soooo bored. He keeps swinging her head around like a little china doll head, and it just looks so… unnatural. Hey! There’s Heather Mills! Remember when she decided she hated America last year and fled the country unceremoniously because she got sent packing from the show? Good times, good times. And Mrs. Brady is next to her! Ok, that was just so sleepy. I’ll give it a seven, and I’m being nice. Okay, you know when I said she’s lost weight here? Yeah, it’s in her thighs and her face. Not so much the stomach area, so she should try to avoid jumping around like that. Not sexy. I’m sorry. I can only say this because I have giganto-Hillary thighs and thick ankles. F’reals. There’s the crazy head jewels lady. Anyway. Len starts critiquing, and Marie HITS THE FLOOR! HOLY CRAP! Straight to commercial with Jonathan and Tom helplessly crouching over her. MEDIC! At this point, Frank said, “Yeah, I’ve been biting my tongue, because I saw on Drudge that that happened.” I was like, “YOU DIDN’T TELL ME? IS IT BECAUSE YOU HATE ME?” He said he figured it’d be better for me if I saw it myself. True, true. “WELL? IS SHE OK?” Frank says yes. Well. That’s just the most exciting thing outside of a Helio/Julianne, Zoolander/Anna, or Sabrina/Mark dance we’ve seen all season.

Lots of commercials. Back from break, Tom says Marie is ok, and she’s backstage awaiting her scores. Tom says the first words she spoke when she saw everyone leaning over her were, “Oh crap.” I would have reacted the same way. 7-7-7 from the judges. Well, they didn’t give her any sympathy points, just like I didn’t! Oh dear. Samantha actually says something to the effect. “Well, if ya thought fainting would get ya tens…” Seriously, Samantha! Manners! I mean, I’ll snark behind her back, but to say that to her face? That’s just tacky. But at least she’s not Drew, right? Shame shame. Marie says she got winded and passed out. She’s apologizing over and over. Jonathan is totally holding onto her in case she faints again.

Tom says that in the movies, swooning is all romantic, but in real life, it scared the crap out of him. Haha.

Jane & Tony are up next. Everyone except Carrie Ann says there was no lift last week. Oh, lovely. They’re going to rumba. Have I used blerg already? Anyway, there seems to be a little nice friction in the training, because Tony seems to really want to win this thing. He’s all, “You listen to me, don’t question, I am the boss!” Jane’s like, “I don’t own my body anymore. Tony is my ruler.” But they’re all happy and stuff at the end of the week, so it’s all good. Jane, you are British. Grammar errors are absolutely not allowed! I dock you ten points for confusing “I” and “me.” Shouldn’t there be more hip-togetherness? I give it a nine for a slumba (that’s like a sleep pun), because it didn’t make me feel like I needed a shower. Bruno loves it and says she looked like Edyta at times. Carrie Ann loves her but says her turns need work. Len loves the romance and the class. Jane says Tony is the most wonderful teacher on the planet, and Samantha is blabbering on and on and on… The judges hold up 8-9-9, but Bruno says “Six!” when he holds up his nine. English is so hard, Bruno.

Mark & Kym are up next. Kym says Mark must have a lot of fans for them to stay in the competition. Actually, I think they’re Kym’s fans. Mark has answered over 2000 emails from fans. Looks like he’s a gmailer. Mark wants to go all crazy with their dance, and he says, “[Bleep] the refsjudges.” Kym’s like, you can’t say that! She is not amused. Their video cuts out near the end. Mark has decided to nerd it up and be “Master” to Kym’s Jeannie in the samba. Ok, she’s doing all the work here, and he is stiff and robotic. Mark, the hips are supposed to swivel. Not twitch. Ok, he’s likeable (and coming into this competition, I thought the opposite), but that was just… painful. Six from me. Carrie Ann thought it was cute but thought the only thing lacking was… technique. Len says Mark needs to rub the lamp hard and hope that Jeannie sorts her feet out. Bruno says it’s 2007: A Geek Fantasy. And that Mark is no Fred Astaire. 7-7-7. Mark says he was hoping for a higher prime number. Watch me be awesome and know math, y’all! So… 23 and… 29 are the other prime numbers under 30. I’ll bet he wanted a 23.

Sabrina & Mark are next, and they will rumba. Sabrina is cracking up. Mark brings in his mother, a three-time world champion of Latin dance. Sabrina’s like, “Awkward” re: having vertical sex with Mark in front of his mom. Anyway, on with the sleeze. Sabrina has also dropped weight, and it’s noticeable this week. Wow, tha twas an awesome dip. This is definitely the most sensual and beautiful rumba I’ve seen on this show. Ten from me. Len says too many tricks. It’s a whore kind of dance, and he doesn’t expect tricks? Bruno loved it with all of his Dumbledore passion. Carrie Ann says it was beautiful, but Sabrina has turn issues. 9-9-10! Sabrina is a very good politician, talking about how much the judges’ comments help them. She’s definitely losing the pounds.

Jennie & Twiggy are up next. They are going to samba, and Twiggy tells her she has to be a diva this week. Twiggy says Jennie has to learn how to shake her fun stuff. Twiggy takes her to a hip hop choreographer to teach her how to shake her hips. Jennie is wearing Big Bird for their dance. This is a great samba, fun and energetic. Her feet are clunky sometimes, but I still give it a nine. It was actually an engaging samba, and I didn’t find myself wishing for death. Bruno says it was technically full, but something or other was wrong. Carrie Ann appreciates how difficult tonight is and how uncomfortable Jennie is with shaking her fun bits. Len says he doesn’t know what the other two were watching, because it was great. 8-9-8 from the judges.

That ballroom chandelier is so gaudy and ugly.

Helio & Julianne will rumba. It’s funny, because Helio has to learn how not to smile during this dance. He’s so smiley, and he has to try to act. The dance studio is not working out for them, so Helio takes her to the beach so they can rumba in a more romantic location. Wow, that was very pretty, and Helio did a pretty good job staying in character. It was a little stiff, not as fluid as it should be. But it’s so pretty, so I give it a nine. Then again, I heart them. The judges call it awkward, mechanical, and pained. Bruno is doing his own dance in his seat. 8-7-8?? What da hey? That’s insane! Boo!

Oh yeah. Tomorrow is a shuttle launch. I hope WB calls to remind me in the morning. We always forget they’re coming.

Mel & Maks are next. Mel was devastated after almost going home last week. And now Mel is sick. Maks doesn’t want to get sick. And they’re all tetchy with each other. They went to London for a Spice Girls video this week and practiced when they could. They’re sambaing. Mel is wearing a flamingo. It’s a good samba. I’ll give this one a nine. The judges love it. 10-9-10. Ok.

Is it over yet? I wanna play Wii sports again.

Cameron & Edyta are next. They inexplicably received high praise and great scores for their paso last week. And of course, they will rumba (Edyta loves to have sex on the dance floor). She especially loves that move where she dips below the man’s waist. Susan Lucci came to help them learn how to be sexy. Because, you know, Edyta needs to know how to slink. Edyta, of course, is great. Ack! A lift! Her foot came up, right? Cameron has Mark Cuban’s twitchy problem. It’s sexy and such, but it’s almost all Edyta. I give it an eight, I guess. Bruno says it’s incredible. Carrie Ann thought the chemistry was hot and asked about the lift. Len thought it was great, but he’s getting tired of Edyta’s one-legged spins and tells Cameron to button his shirt up. 8-9-9 from the judges. I just don’t get it. Cameron is so stiff.

I rank them thus:

Sabrina & Mark (10)
Jane & Tony (9)
Jennie & Twiggy (9)
Mel & Maks (9) / Helio & Julianne (9)
Cameron & Edyta (8)
Marie & Jonathan (7)
Mark & Kym (6)

Bottom two: I predict Marie & Jonathan and Mark & Kym. I say Mark & Kym go home, and they should.