A woman gets into her minivan at the park where kids are playing soccer, puts the car in drive, and the minivan explodes.

Everything is charred to the car, or around the car, or up in trees, or whatever. Some lady named Bones (hey, that’s the name of the show!) and her partner are investigating while arguing over whether Bones should visit her dad in jail. Who’s this Bones? Who’s her father? Why’s he in prison? Was he arrested, or did he go voluntarily? Do these two people have permission to be at the scene of the explosion? The blown up dead woman has a wedding ring and a locket of a daughter. They’re like, “Who would want to kill a soccer mom?” The question should be, “Who would let their kids play soccer?”

This Bones lady is going crazy and screaming at everyone because men with “FBI” on their jackets want to take the car for the bomb techs. She’s like, “YOU CAN’T TAKE THE CAR! THE DEAD BODY IS ALL OVER IT! YOU CAN’T COMPROMISE THE SCENE! RARRRRRR!”

I think I see what’s going on here. Is this like CSI, except with dead bodies?

At the lab (it’s a lab, right?), some bomb tech from the FBI shows up. She has boobs. Some guy named Hodgins is dating some girl named Angela. Hodgins has apparently never seen boobs before. The people at the lab work on stuff. It turns out that the dead soccer mom was leaving her husband.

Bones goes to visit her dad in prison. It’s Ryan O’Neal. Bones and Papa Bones argue semantics. “You say criminal, I say outlaw, let’s call the whole thing a filler scene.”

Something came on the screen that says this is based on a true story or a book by a forensic scientist or something.

The unnamed man that Bones hangs out with goes to see the dad, and he’s all broken up and wondering how to tell his daughter.

At the lab, they are still fixated on the boobs.

Mom had a tattoo that says she was in the “National Liberation Army” many years ago. They killed a cop, did other bad stuff, and two of the people are still missing. Soccer mom is one of the two they never found. One down, one to go!

It turns out that the government was giving her a deal to turn herself in. Nine years for killing a cop. The man who tried to find the lady to prosecute her for thirty years is livid when he finds out about the deal. Or did he already know? They start talking about her lawyer, and Hodgins starts gushing over him because he’s a big-time lefty. This guy that they’re calling “Sheriff” is aghast over the nine years and says he wants to escape before Hodgins can give the lawyer a Pinko of the Year award. That made me laugh.

They go to see the attorney, and he tells them that the dead cop’s son beat him up last week, blah blah blah.

This Bones lady goes to take her dad some socks. Dumbledore likes socks.

Boob Lady and Hodgins do explosives stuff, and she is pushing her boobies in his face a lot.

At the lab, they also discover that soccer mom was shot before she was blown up. I didn’t see her get shot in the intro. Was it an old wound?

The cop’s son admits to yelling at the dead lady and smacking the lawyer around, because she sent him an apology letter and didn’t even come apologize in person for taking his dad away from him. He says they’ll have to get a warrant for his gun.

Turns out that the dead lady was shot in both the shoulder and the hand with the gun that killed the cop. It’s a very old wound, so she got it during the robbery. Blah blah blah, she didn’t kill the cop. Watkins (the other outstanding suspect) must have shot her while she tried to protect the cop.

Hodgins determines from the dead lady’s car air filter that she was in West Virginia in the Shenandoah mountains, and that’s where they can find Watkins.

Blah blah blah, boring supposed-to-be-funny conversation on the way to find Watkins, and they find his cabin. It doesn’t take them long to get there, so I’m guessing this show takes place in D.C. They walk in, and it’s quiet, and he’s dead, and the man who worked thirty years on the case is standing over him. Watkins has a gun in his hand, and so does Sam (the thirty-years guy). Sam insists that Watkins killed himself.

So it turns out, Watkins had RA and couldn’t have pulled the trigger. Also couldn’t have made the bomb. What if his RA was under control? Anyway, they accuse Sam. He says, “Look, I know we have to do this dance, but there is a real killer out there.” Ok, OJ. Lemme know when you find him.

They finish rendering the letter that was with the dead mom when she died, and it was a letter to her daughter. She was trying to get Watkins to turn himself in too.

They go arrest Soccer Mom’s husband. He tells them his motive, which was that he found out she was sneaking out to see Watkins, and she was just using their family for hiding her real identity.

Sam and the Sheriff have drinks together. Sam and Bones sit at the Lincoln Monument and look out over the D.C. mall. Hey, I was right about the location! Because I’m awesome.

That was not as good as any of the CSIs. It was a’ight. I like my crime scene investigation to come with the Sunglasses of Justice and a super-badpinkytoe cop, a group full of grim people who never smile and never turn on the lights, or a former Marine super-badpinkytoe cop.

But since y’all have requested it, I guess I’ll watch it for you. You’re welcome.