Vampire private investigator. He’s kinda hubba hubba, looks like Mike Modano without the broken nose. I’m in! Garlic, wooden stakes, crucifixes, and holy water are myths — well, not the items themselves, just that they can kill vampires. A flamethrower will do it, decapitation will do it, but not the traditional methods. That’s good, because an undead life without garlic is an undead life not worth unliving. He shoots up with blood, sleeps in a freezer, not a coffin, and daylight is bad for him, but doesn’t turn him to dust. I’m not sure I believe him on that, because I saw the Blade movies. And the Underworld movies (yes, I even liked the second one, shut up!). He’s ninety.

I never watched Buffy, just so y’all know.

“When you live forever, the past always catches up with you.” Unless you break his legs and get really far ahead of him.

Marshall! He’s a cameraman for a newish reporter. That’s super-cool! Aw. Kevin Weissman (Marshall) is only a guest star. Boo. The murder seems to have been done by a vampire. OOOOH! That’s what the show is about!

200K unique visitors on one story is pretty good.

Pretty reporter girl is going to look into the vampire story. She thinks she remembers Vampire PI from somewhere. He remembers her, but of course, he doesn’t say from where.

Vampire PI has a guy at the morgue who hooks him up with his blood. Also a vampire. Vampire PI prefers A neg. And VPI confirms at the morgue that the murder from last night wasn’t a vampire. Vampire PI goes to his best friend’s penthouse — best friend keeps girls around for blood, and they love giving it, because they are freakshows. Best friend seems suspicious and wants VPI to find whoever murdered the dead girl so they can keep their vampire anonymity. And he’s very rich.

Investigating the case, he has a run-in with this reporter girl. She sees him and breaks a vase over his head. He says ouch. His name is Mick St. John. He finds a vial of blood and takes a big whiff.

BTW, this is going to be so very snarkable if it lasts, because it’s done in that horrible film noir voiceover style. Have I mentioned how much I hated hated hated Sin City? I only made it through that movie because my hubby really wanted to see it, and now it takes mega convincing and the promise of a hundred dumb action flicks to get me to see any graphic novels made into movies — or Frank Miller movies, for that matter. Blurg.

At the dead girl’s funeral, full of gothy emo people, her social anthropology professor is eulogizing. I think we’re supposed to think he’s a potential vampire, because they never show his teeth and make him look pasty in daylight. One of the girls from the funeral attacks the professor and makes him bleed. Vamp Noir has smelled the blood before, in the necklace vial in dead girl’s apartment. Dun dun dunnnnn.

Noir Mick says his senses were all turned up to eleven when he became a vampire. He interviews the wife of Professor Vampire. He teaches a class where his students drink blood. He tells everyone he’s a vampire, probably so he can get ess eee ecks from them. Reporter Girl audits his class and asks to join his study group. Professor Vampire’s TA is my prime suspect. Because he’s the only one not acting guilty and retarded. Professor Vampire has a mask thingy on his bookshelf, and Noir Mick seems to recognize it or smell something on it.

The mask from the bookshelf shows up at the diner where dead girl’s ex-best friend works (worn by someone, probably the TA, who has access). Dead girl’s ex-BFF (we’ll call her Jill) is murdered.

Reporter Girl (she works for TMZBuzzwire and pronounces “familiar” “furmiliar”) shows up at Noir Mick’s apartment, and he’s worried about her going to the vampire study group. She again says that he looks “so furmiliar.” He flashes back to tell us that she was his very first PI case. Her mom asked him to find her, and he tracked her down. His ex-wife was there with her and said they could now have a big happy family. His ex is the one who turned him into a vampire. So… is she a vampire too? Or did he rescue her in time?

Marshall is playing tech guy! He’s wiring Beth (the reporter) up with a mic for her study group, and he has to get it “just right” on her chest. She goes off to study group while Noir Mick finds BFF Jill (whose name is really Chloe — I mean, is everyone on TV these days named Chloe? And why are there never two people with the same name on any TV show? No two Jennifers, no two Amys…I’m beginning to think TV isn’t real.). BFF Jill is dead, and the mask is right next to her body. Noir Mick runs out to look for Beth.

For study group, Beth (faking her name as Kate) is taken to a boiler room for the ritual. Yes, a boiler room. Teacher’s Assistant takes her down there. After study group, which Beth shows up for the end of, Professor of Darkness plays patty-cake with her until he finds the wireless mic and starts accosting her. She kicks him in the face and runs out of the building, straight into the arms of the Nutty Professor’s Assistant. He shuttles her to his car (don’t go, Beth! don’t be a stupid girl! trust no one except Noir Mick!) and injects her with something that I don’t think is saline solution. Mick is flying down the highway in his car to find her. He busts into the boiler room and threatens the Nutty Professor — he goes into full undead mode for this. NutProf tells him that Beth just left. They always say that. Mick has super strength, just like Superman!

He runs out of the building and smells Beth outside the door and sees in his super vampire brain what happened. He pursues the Nutty Professor’s Assistant’s car with super speed. Just like Superman! NPA’s going on about how girls just distract the Professor, or some other boring crap. Mick runs them down, has a fight with NPA, who is carrying around an icepick — I wonder if an icepick could be used to make “bite” marks in a carotid! Mick throws him around, gets stabbed, heals himself (he’s like a cheerleader!), and rescues Beth.

This time Beth has the flashback to her childhood rescue. Mick has an all-out vampire brawl with his ex-wife, stabs her in the heart to immobilize her, and burns her alive in the little shack. Of course, we don’t see her dead body or anything, so she may not be dead.

When Beth wakes up in Noir Mick’s apartment, she tells him she remembered he rescued her. He’s like, you’re crazy, and you hit your head. She hugs him. His first hug in like twenty years or something! Awww! Until then, I was like, yeah yeah, ok, fine, noir, boring, snarkworthy, whatevs. But the Modano lookalike and the hug got me. So I’m totally in.