We all use numbers every day. In case you forgot, since they haven’t had opening credits for a few seasons now.

We still just don’t buy Colby’s about-face from agent of good to agent of evil communism. That was such a dumb way for the season to end.

Don is obsessively watching Colby’s confession over and over and over and over, and he’s been doing so for the past five weeks. Dude needs a new girlfriend. He and the old one broke up at the end of last season, right?

Wow. David has gone a little ballistic. I mean, I would too if my partner went rogue, but I have the irrational rage of epilepsy to help me along. At a pool hall playing annoying hip-hop music, David and another agent in wicked cool sunglasses go in and start showing someone’s picture around. David’s slamming people’s heads into tables just because he’s mad. The other agent is just standing there looking tough-ish.

Don? Still obsessively watching. Colby was approached by Dwayne (or Duane) at the CIA to copy some stuff for him, and before he knew it, he was working for the Chinese. Because, you know, you can get into the business of selling secrets without realizing you’re doing it until you’re already in it. Actually, that could be true. I mean, look at the New York Times. They do it for free, and I don’t think they understand that they’re traitors.

Ooh. 5:00 shadow on Charlie. No wonder Amita’s looking at him like she can’t wait to gobble him up. Ok, gotta get rid of that 5:00 mustache, though. Ick. And now he’s teaching game theory to the college kids. And he and Amita are all hot and heavy, and Charlie hasn’t been consulting for the feds lately.

Don still watching obsessively.

**Gigantic eye roll** “I didn’t do it because I believe in Communism or China. I did it because I could. I did it because after Afghanistan, I didn’t believe in much of anything.” What media bias? Or is he using the media bias for his fake story?

Megan and Larry talk about quantum disconnectedness at the monastery.

Don is still obsessively watching. He tells Papa Epps that something isn’t right with Colby’s confession. Could it be your obsession with said confession?

At prison, government official type is helping Colby escape in transit. Colby isn’t going to back out. He tells Colby “almost no one” knows about the plan. And you know that “almost no one” really means “someone.” Colby drinks a key. I wonder if he swallowed it? He could hurt himself. He’s also supposed to take the ranking guard’s phone, because that guy’s in on the plan.

And the transit bus full of prisoners, including Colby and his friend Duane (it’s shorter), the other traitor, is attacked by peeps with RPGs and machine guns. Colby gets himself and his friend out of the handcuffs — oh good! He didn’t swallow the key. I was seriously worried about his intestinal health. The attackers shoot up all the cops that have shown up to defend the bus. That kinda sucks if our government shot a bunch of cops for a triple agent, except that, you know, national security and resisting communism are pretty important. Frank says he’s a double agent, I say he’s a triple. Government agent spying for the Chinese for the government? Sounds triple. Colby and Duane escape with their hands free but their legs shackled together. It’s funny, because they look like they’re in a three-legged race. I wonder if we’ll have a sack race and an egg toss later in the season. That would be awesome.

Dude (yeah, I still say that, I own my ’80s dorkiness). David Palmer looks like such a badpinkytoe now on The Unit. Too bad I can’t stand watching all those witchy women cheat on their husbands and act like junior high girls. Otherwise, I would love to watch it.

Amita is spending the night at Charlie’s house now? Five weeks, a lot of ground covered. And she’s still wearing her ugly short pants from yesterday. No really, they’re a cross between shorts and cargo pants. Cargo capris?

Charlie did a paper on the mathematical analysis of friendship dynamics in the eleventh grade. Probably because anyone who writes that paper has no friends to begin with. I kid, I kid! I was such a math geek in high school. In fact, I think I’m the only one in my year at school who passed the AP Calculus exam. Even the twelve people who graduated ahead of me didn’t pass it. And then I took Calc II in college and was so overwhelmed by it that I got a C. A C! I started out wanting to be a math or English teacher, and that was pretty much the end of it. Except that if/when we have kids, I’ll get to teach them all my mad math skillz. This has been a special edition of Things You Really Didn’t Care to Know About Me but Trudged Through Anyway. See, the word “anyway” keeps me from ending that in a preposition. Word.

Haha. Don tried to read that paper once, because he thought it might help him pick up chicks. Don is going insane looking for his keys. Colby and Duane get out of their cuffs and go incognito. Colby is using the guard’s cell phone, and Duane calls his contacts to get them a ride. They run into the subway.

And there’s Charlie’s first mathematical crime solving thingy! We all use numbers every day! Lighthouses can help us find escaped people!

Duane is apparently not in on the escape, because he has no idea what’s going on or how Colby got the key for his cuffs. Colby lies about it.

Sidenote: I used to become outraged any time Colby was in a scene. When he first showed up, I couldn’t *stand* him. I don’t remember why I didn’t like him, but every time he came on the screen, I would mock him, throw stuff at the TV, break our fine china over Rowdi’s head… normal stuff like that. And then one day he was a super badpinkytoe and chased down some perp with nice finishing touches. I’ve liked him ever since.

It turns out that the response time of the police was much faster than they thought, which was why they had the shootout. Larry, Amita, and Charlie are hanging out at the FBI. I assume they all have clearance, as does Papa Epps, because they all get involved in every case. There is no secrecy in that circle of friends.

They’re doing the investigation, looking for Duane and Colby, and Megan wants to stop and talk about everyone’s feelings. How’d she get that promotion? Affirmative action? Field agents don’t have time to talk about their feelings. Megan, I’m feeling like you should just investigate and stop talking about your feelings.

Colby is on the train with Duane, and he calls Don through Charlie’s cell phone so he can’t be traced. He also hides from Duane that he’s calling. Colby is calling to tell Don that he’s a triple agent and has been playing Duane all along. Also, Colby can’t get ahold of his handler, Kirkland.

They confirm Kirkland is a real person, and David is like, “We can’t trust Colby, because I’m mad at him.” Charlie uses fuzzy math (really, he starts talking about fuzzy logic and math and stuff, so it’s fuzzy math) to try to figure out whether Colby’s trustworthy.

Oh, um, now they’re showing Charlie in funny video effects, not just his diagrams.

Don takes over the math and finds Colby, but he lets him get away because he can’t pull the trigger. Meanwhile, Duane starts to take a shot at Don, but Colby stops him. Oh, and Amita has decided she wants to talk about Don’s feelings. Come on, ladies, this show is about the numb3rs, not the feelings.

Colby and Duane are on a speed boat talking about their feelings. And their thoughts.

David and Megan find Special Agent Kirkland, the contact Colby can’t reach. He’s all kindsa dead. He was tortured, and he had an aorta disorder that made him have a heart attack. Megan thinks no one knew what he was doing in L.A. Don doesn’t want to tell anyone Colby has contacted them, because there could be a DOJ leak. It’s always the DOJ.

Val Kilmer is on the other boat when Colby and Duane switch boats. He is sitting next to a video camera, and he looks bloated. Maybe he’s a floater! Anyway, he’s also wearing a jacket and glasses. Suit and Glasses 2.0! More like -1.1. The jacket comes off soon, so we’ll call him Nondescript Shirt and Glasses. With Beer Belly. Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly tells Duane that Colby is a triple.

Papa Epps brings up to Charlie and David that they should remove the clutter. I spent like the last six months removing the clutter from our house! It does work wonders. Papa Epps wants to understand why Colby did what he did, because, you know, since he lived through the ’60s, he’s so wise and knows that sometimes it’s just not that simple. I mean, people will sell secrets to the Chinese for any number of totally patriotic reasons. David walks out without punching Papa Epps in his “not that simple” face.

Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly is telling his life story about being born in China, assimilated into the States, and becoming Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly. He wants to know if the FBI knows his name already, and Colby says, “Uh, Duane’s been working with us the whole time. Uh, ask him.” Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly says that Colby can’t lie, and Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly doesn’t bluff. He starts injecting Colby with stuff. Maybe it’s just water and electrolytes — he may think Colby is dehydrated. That’s nice of him!

Larry and Charlie are hanging out at the monastery, like math nerds do. Larry says you can’t get silence. You can only contemplate it. Thanks for the filler scene.

Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly is torturing Colby, who suddenly looks scruffy and sexy wearing all that patriotism. Duane is looking on and looking worried about his friend.

Charlie’s talking about lighthouses and matches and 26-sided rooms. This helps him figure out that Colby is probably on a Chinese freighter, and there are thirteen Chinese freighters at the port of Los Angeles. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and not at all tense that we do actually allow Chinese freighters into our ports. After all, they’re not evil communists who want to kill us.

More torture of Colby by Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly.

David figures out which freighter they need to be looking at, and he and Don discover that there’s a government SUV parked right where the ship was docked. It belongs to Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly, who is Mason Lanser, a special assistant to the deputy Attorney General. Everyone is thinking that Colby’s not a traitor except David, because David hates Colby’s guts for lying to him (can’t blame him, I don’t like being lied to either).

Charlie’s trust metric says that Colby’s a good guy. Because we all use numbers every day! To determine whether to trust people, determine what amount of poison to give someone, measure out the appropriate amount of water needed to cook the rice you’re eating for dinner… (Yes, we had stirfry for dinner).

Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly rilly rilly wants to know if the feds know his name. Colby’s like, yep, and your dog’s name, and your horse’s name, your shoe size, size of your beer belly, alla that. And Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly tells him he’s about to inject him with potassium chloride, which will stop his heart. Game over, man! Game over! Duane wants Colby to just tell him the secrets he wants to know, because no one will care about those secrets in six months anyway. Oh, ok, treason is fine as long as it only helps enemies for six months. Learn something new every TV show. “Duane, I really wish someone else had pulled me out of that fire.” “Why?” “‘Cause I hate owing you.” You know, since I want to kill you for your treason and all.

There’s a big gunfight on the boat when Don’s team arrives to take over (they’re not yet in international waters). Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly stabs Colby in the heart with the potassium chloride, and as he does, Duane shoots Nondescript Shirt and Glasses with Beer Belly. I guess he owes him again. But someone else shoots Duane, so Colby doesn’t owe him anymore. David and Don bust in, and David pulls the syringe out of Colby with CSI: Horatio video effects. It wasn’t completely injected. David and Don work on Colby to save him. Don’s like, “Colby just keeps owing this guy.” David: “Not if he doesn’t live.” So they don’t really work on saving his life.

Colby is stabilized at the hospital. David says he was sure he was guilty until he saw the needle sticking out of his chest. He saved his life and all that, but he doesn’t want to have him over for tea, because he doesn’t know him.

The circle of friends have dinner at an outdoor restaurant that looks remarkably like the monastery and has the same columns and everything. Charlie’s excited about dusting off his old friendship paper so he can also have no friends in his adult life.

Next week: The preview is done in CSI: Horatio orange haze, complete with palm trees. Colby’s back, and FBI: Miami looks at a Hollywood murder.