I haven’t been much of a Survivor fan as of late, since it seems like more of the same thing every year, but the China angle intrigues me so I will give it another shot at a permanent place on my reality tv rotation.

We start out at the Zhan Hu tribe, where former model Dave (a model of what is unclear, since he is weird looking, out of shape, and has the beginnings of a beer belly protruding above his waistline) has volunteered himself to lead the tribe. Zoolander had his signature “Blue Steel” look, and Dave has his “Crazy Eyes.” Will his vision lead the tribe down the catwalk of success, or are they destined for a walk of shame? I’m guessing the latter.

Next up is the Fei Long tribe. Professional gambler Jean-Robert has decided upon a “Prince Hal” strategy—i.e. appear incompetent and lazy early on, then shine in marked contrast later in the game. The key to that, however, is making it further in the game. I have a feeling that his tribe will throw him out the first time they get a chance, so he will need a bit of early luck to keep going in this game.

Back at Zhan Hu, Dave has set upon building a brick fire pit rather than simply making a fire and cooking some food. Why these two activities are mutually exclusive is not explained. Pro wrestler Ashley clashes with Dave on this strategy, marking herself for trouble.

The first challenge involves rolling some giant wooden balls through a mud pit to a goal. The winner gets fishing equipment and a fishing boat. If you didn’t’ see the first episode, the contestants were limited to the clothes that happened to be on their backs. So, of course, most people are in their underwear, and that doesn’t provide much coverage when one is rolling in mud competing in a contact sport. Clothes are pulled off left and right. I find this challenge rather offensive. Nudity should be a choice, not an unavoidable result of competition. This years juggernaut Fei Long cruises to victory. Not only do they get the fishing getup, but they also get to kidnap a member of the opposition—easy on the eyes Southern belle Jaime.

Back at Zhan Hu, things keep getting worse. The rain has made their camp, built on low ground, a mud bog. Dave’s fire pit idea accidentally turns out to be a blessing, as they have a high and dry place to build a fire. Dave and Ashley bicker, foreshadowing a need to sacrifice one or the other to save the solidarity of the group.

Back at Fei Long, Jaime gets a secret scroll that allows her to give a clue to the location of the immunity idol to one of the opposing tribe members. Jaime decides to give the clue to Christian radio host Leslie, who clearly is not long for this game. Ashley believes that giving it to a weak peripheral player will prevent anyone from the opposition from finding the idol. Of course, being a weak player, Leslie immediately blabs the info to weasely Todd, who will be a strong player if he can hide his intelligence so he is not viewed as an early threat. Jean-Robert and Aaron bicker in front of the opposition, stupidly signaling where the loyalties of the group lay.

The immunity challenge involves a big puzzle log/battering ram. The groups have to knock a door open, then maneuver the log to solve a puzzle. Not surprisingly, Fei Long powers through the door and takes an early lead. Dave exhausts himself, and Zhan Hu falters at the door. They cannot recover, and Fei Long wins immunity again. If there is not an early shuffling, it looks like Zhan Hu will get wiped out week-after-week-after-week until merger. I find those kinds of seasons boring, so I suspect the producers will try to do something about it sooner rather than later.

Not surprisingly, Zhan Hu determines that either Dave or Ashley must go for the sake of the group. Dave is a big dumb oaf, but Ashley is grating and useless. A contentious tribal council results in a unanimous decision to throw Ashley under the bus. Oddly, Jeff does not give any parting words of encouragement, perhaps recognizing that this is a doomed tribe. Zhan Hu rambles off, defeated, to their swampy encampment.

Want more? — Sirlinksalot.net — Survivor China