BTW, spoiler alert on that. And on the rest of this.

The dam is coming down, and the police car holding Lex is submerged. Too bad Clark won’t actually let him die. He’ll get all heroey and save him.

Bizarro and Clark are fighting in the forest next to the dam, and Bizarro doesn’t talk all funny. But this is a *different* Bizarro. Clark hits Bizarro and sends him flying away, because Clark has peeps to save.

Clark shows up in time to save a dad and son who are about to be drowned by the raging river. The dad has conveniently fallen and hit his head on a rock. Clark’s heat vision goes into overdrive and evaporates all the water in the world, or at least the vicinity. Wow, that is a vast improvement in the strength of his heat vision. That dam explosion did him some good. Other than the whole evil twin thing. Poor fishies. But mmmm! Fried fish!

Opening credits have changed. The song is still there, and that’s good. YAY! CHLOE IS IN THE CREDITS! I knew she wasn’t dead. NOOOOOO! LANA IS ALSO IN THE OPENING CREDITS! I ALSO KNEW SHE WASN’T DEAD, BUT I RILLY RILLY RILLY HOPED SHE WAS GOING INTO HIDING, AND AW, MAN! THIS RUINS MY WHOLE LIFE! LANA LANG LUTHOR RUINS EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING SHE TOUCHES TURNS TO CRAP! SHE’S LIKE HITLER PLUS STALIN TIMES SATAN!

Anyway. Lois, Jimmy, and Supergirl are also in the opening credits, as is John Glover. No Annette O’Toole, though, because she’s off in Washington being a Senator. Well, I hope she doesn’t suck at it like the other 100.

Gooey gooey Cheeeeebe!

Ahem. Sorry, I made tortilla-less tortilla soup tonight, and I made some Chebe to go with it. I added cumin, garlic powder, and onion salt, plus a dash of cayenne, to the Chebe. Yummy.

Lex obviously did *not* watch the Mythbusters episode about what to do when your car is submerged under water. He’s fighting and thrashing, and he could save his energy and open the door if he stayed completely still until pressure equalized. Of course, Adam didn’t try to escape wearing handcuffs with safety locks that keep perps in locked in the car, so whatevs. I guess it’s ok, but I think Adam and Jamie need to figure out how you *do* escape in that situation. I mean, obviously it would be better for us all if he didn’t, but in case you’re innocent and “they’ve got the wrong man,” it would be helpful info. How ’bout it, science? Supergirl is all floaty and angelic in the water, and she saves him.

Bizarro is attached to a power tower by a gigantic piece of metal. When he gets himself down in a most painful fashion, some guy comes to see if he’s ok, and Bizarro burns the dude with his eyes. Just because he can. And then the special effects people show Bizarro’s face turning fragmented just so we can be quite sure that Bizarro did that instead of Clark. Because, you know, the evilness and reverse color scheme don’t give it away. Thanks for carrying the one!

Lois is alive, Chloe is (supposedly) dead, and Lois finds a window and learns that they are completely underwater, and she sees dead people (floating in the water). Clark has no idea they’re there, so no rescue. Awww, but he’s looking for Lionel, so he busts in and saves Lois. She’s all dumb, which is so out of character for this Lois, so it’s hard to buy that *she* buys the whole, “Yeah, the structure, it’s all damaged and stuff, so… I touched it, and it fell. How lucky is that?” routine. Clark sees fake dead Chloe, and man, she is blue. (In color, not emotion.) I hope her meteor freak power is twofold: sucking death out of people *and* coming back to life after the appropriate mourning period has passed.

Lionel has washed up on a shore.

Kryptonite heals Bizarro’s wounds. *That* can’t be good for Clark. Maybe red, black, or silver Kryptonite will halp purr Clerk. Oh. ‘Scuse me. My comic-book-geek hubby says that in the comics, it’s blue Krypto that hurts Bizarro.

Lois tells Clark about what happened in the dam. Lois tells Clark she’s going to the mansion to confront Lex and see what he did to Chloe, and she says Lana can help her get info. Clark’s like, “Yeah… um… about that…” and Lois is all, “Grow a pair, Clark, and quit yer emotional Lanacoaster.” So he doesn’t tell her that she’s fake dead. That’ll be a nice shocker for her to get from the Evil Overlord. Who am I? Spinelli? Ack.

My tongue is tingling. Which means that just knowing for sure that Lana’s back on the show is giving me seizures in my brain! TPTB truly hate me and want my brain to hurt me.

Lex is wanted for Lana’s not-murder, and his secretary is trying to help him escape. He says he’s turning himself in.

Oh, this will be fun. Lois shows up at the mansion and runs into Bizarro, who acts like Clark on red Krypto. Plus, his face goes all fragmented again, so I’m sure it’s Bizarro. Or should I say, Mosaic Face? Fragment Face? He acts crazy, and Lois is like, “What’s gotten into you?” She’s almost Lana-dumb at this point. But she’s way more awesome, so I don’t care. She can be conveniently clueless as long as her Clarky Clark Chemistry remains intact.

At the hospital, Chloe is pronounced dead to solemn-then-happy music. OH NOES! The composer is happy Chloe’s fake dead!

Y’all aren’t gonna believe this, but in the morgue… wait for it… CHLOE WAKES UP! I wonder if she’s all cold in her little morgue box. Good thing Clark has supersonic hearing so he can hear her trying to bust out of the morgue. Oh, how awesome are my prediction powers? Clark hears Chloe screaming and rescues her!

Chloe’s all, what? Was I dead? Why am I in a morgue? In a sheet? In a drawer? That’s cute, she made Clark turn around so he wouldn’t see her neckid bits. When Chloe steals her death certificate from the morgue, she sees Lana’s underneath. She’s sad. WHY? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW ANYONE LOVES THAT WHINY, FICKLEHEAD!

Bizarro for some reason is very angry and comes to see Lex in jail. He kinda just offs Lex’s lawyer and then tells Lex that Lex will help Bizarro (who Lex knows is the phantom) kill Clark Kent. No no! Bad Bizarro!

Chloe’s watching old home movies of herself and Lana. She and Clark hug about Lana. And Chloe is back to work researching. “The Phantom You can fly? Clark, you need to get on that one.”

Back at the Kent Barn, the Martian Manhunter shows up and tells Clark that his humanity is his greatest strength and his greatest weakness. Clark asks, how do I stop someone with all of my powers and none of my weaknesses? Well, Clark, I think you should just give up. The world is doomed. DOOMED!

Oh. Bizarro distorts when he’s in the yellow sun, because it is his weakness. Well, he should stay inside where there are no windows and no skylights so his face doesn’t get all ugly. It’s such a nice face to mess up. M&M tells Clark that the yellow sun is the only way. To get a sunburn! Wear sunscreen, Clarky!

Fragment Face and Lex are back at the dam, where Lex has stored all of his refined Kryptonite. I’m tellin’ ya, all these refined foods are bad for us! Bizarro throws Lex across the room when Lex tells him (at gunpoint) that he wants to know why Fragment Face wants to kill Clark. Fraggy asks Lex, “Which is more important? Destroying me? Or solving the mystery that is Clark Kent?” Lex hesitates, and that’s when Fraggy throws Lex across the room and — I know y’all won’t believe this — knocks Lex out. It’s a good thing he does, because Clark shows up! I know! How likely was it that Lex would be knocked out for that?

Anyway, Fraggy opens the vault of Krypto and sucks all the green out of it like the spaceship sucked the green out of not-dead Lana’s necklace. He turns to face Clark. What will happen? It’s too much tension for me!

“You had the existence I could only dream of,” says Fraggy.
“And you have the deep voice *I* could only dream of. Too bad you have to use one of those distortion thingies or digital software to get it, Fakey McFakerson.”

Bizarro wants Clark’s life, because he says Clark doesn’t deserve it. He throws Clark across the room, and a hole is formed in the roof. The yellow sun is let in. Yay for the yellow sun! Clark decides to get cocky with Fraggy and asks if that’s all he’s got. Yes, taunt the one who just kicked your pinkytoe. Fraggy punches Clark, but Clark’s face and Fraggy’s fist meet in the sunlight. Clark knocks Fraggy out of the building and into outer space. And M&M flies up and gets Fraggy.

Yay! There’s still enough time in the show for a ten-minute wrap-up! I actually like the long endings.

Clark tells Chloe that he was going to kill Lex when he went to the dam. Clark thinks he’s just as evil as Lex and Fraggy. So now Chloe wants to keep secret from Clark how she saved Lois.

Lois busts in and says she forgives him for what happened in the mansion, and she’s knows he was just in shock over Lana. Clark’s like, “Yeah. She wasn’t annoying to the point of deserving death or permanent exile to Antarctica at all.” She also tells Chloe she has some ’splaining to do, and Chloe’s like, “Yeah. I’ll get right on that.” Lois hugs Clark and says she’s really sorry. Awww. They should kiss. “But if you ever. Grab my [pinkytoe] again, I’ll be taking your head with you when I go.” Yeah, ’cause Fraggy had all of Clark’s memories and knowledge, so… he knows that Clark really wanted to have a feel.

Clark tells M&M that being with humans has made him too weak, and M&M says they’ve taught Clark stuff. Blah blah blah.

At the end when Lex is going back to jail and until the credits, they’re playing Kelly Clarkson’s “Sober.” That’s such an awesome song. I must learn that one for karaoke. I do have the CD, so there’s no reason why I can’t, yo.

Shanghai, China… Lana is walking down the street in a blonde wig. I AM CRYING IN GRIEF OVER HER RETURN. She gets to her place of residence and pulls off her wig. Whew! It’s a good thing she did that, or I wouldn’t have known who she was! She does pull off Chinese very well, since Kristin Kreuk is Dutch Chinese.

Lana is staring at the moon, Clark is staring at the moon, and Supergirl is quietly reflecting and putting on jewelry on top of a water tower or something. SarahK is quietly retching and hoping against hope that Lana will stay in China, and Clark won’t go find her. I’m sure Fivel is around here somewhere.

Next week, we’ll learn about Supergirl. Or is it Super Girl? Supergirl is easier to type, dawgs.

I *so* heart this show. Lana Lang notwithstanding.