I know I’m opening myself up by saying that, so here, I’ll say it for you. “YOU don’t understand teh funny, SarahK! You’re stupid and unfunny, and you smell like massage oils! So who are you to judge?”
Well, I voted for Jeff Dye like ninety-nine times (or seven, I saved three for Iliza, because while Jeff was by far the funniest last week, Iliza was the funniest almost every other night), yet Marcus is standing on the stage with Iliza right now, the last two standing; since I was a voter, I say I get to judge. Marcus shouldn’t even have been in the top five, but that’s what you get when you let Kendra and the gang rule the immunity challenge. Sean Cullen was way funnier than Marcus.
Every time they were counting down tonight, I was like, “Marcus will be the first one out.” It was Louis, and I was like, “What? Da hey?” Yeah. Then I said, “Marcus is next to go.” Jim Tavare. WhatEVER. “Marcus is next out.” JEFF DYE? ARE YOU RETARDED, AMERICA? The last few weeks, I’ve been cackling every time he said anything. I know, I know, y’all are gonna think it’s because he’s so dreamy with that just-woke-up hair and those precious eyes and that yummy smile. Whatevs, that guy is hilarious. “Um… If Iliza doesn’t win this, I’m never watching again.” Big loss it would be, considering this is our first year to watch. Finally, Iliza was crowned and yay for that. I would have been happy with Iliza #1 and Jeff #2 and equally (or more) happy with Jeff #1 and Iliza #2. But Marcus? He shouldn’t even have been in the top five. Don’t get me wrong, he’s funny. But once you’re past the impressions, there’s not much funny left there. He did make me laugh more than Adam did, so I’ll give him that.
About it being our first season and all. Other than the comedy, the show kinda sucks, so it’s good that there is a lot of comedy. I assumed that once they got to a top ten or twelve, we’d have one or two leave each week, and then they’d pick each other off. But no. First some unfunny people (that Law & Order guy? Not funny.) got to decide who went on, and what kinda crappy choice-makers were these guys? They put in people like Papa CJ and Adam Hunter and left out some really funny people (like that Muslim girl and the black chick — forgive me, it was a few weeks ago, so I don’t remember names). When they announced the first set of five going on to the top twelve, I was in shock. The second set (seven people) were better, but I was still reeling from the shock of the first set.
And the worst part is the way the show is set up. Weeks and weeks of auditions, fine. Then the top twelve. Two dismissed each week, that was fine. But after Iliza had kicked everyone’s butt two weeks in a row, suddenly we’re whittled down to five, and America votes off all but the last comic standing? Haven’t they heard that reality TV is all about dragging everything out as long as possible? I would prefer to see maybe one week of auditions and then kick off two a week until the top five, and one a week after that. Way more exciting.
Anyway, we may watch it next year for the comedy, but it’s not very well done. So say we all.
What is the DEAL with Lulu’s hair on General Hospital? Something must be done about those idiotic bangs. You don’t need to watch the video, just the opening seconds. You’ll understand what I’m saying.
Eeeeeee! So we’re watching season six of Buffy, and it’s near the end of the season with Dark Willow going all crazy and trying to kill everyone. And for the last two episodes I’ve been blurting out at random intervals, “I miss Giiiiiiiiles. When’s Giiiiiiiiles coming back?” See, because I love him. I mean, he had me at “Into every generation…” but then he sang in that coffee shop with his guitar, and I’ve been nothing but swoony over him and will be forevermore.
Anyway, Willow basically tells Buffy that no power in the ‘verse can stop her, and Giiiiiles bursts through the door — not just like beats it open with his fist or kicks it down, as they do in movies and TV. No. He’s the power in the ‘verse, because he throws the door open with his magics (or is it magicks?), and it just comes flying off the hinges through sheer force of Giles’s awesomeness. “I’d like to test that theory.” And I cheer. “GIIIIIIIIIIIILES!”
It was a rather long squeal, actually. And my oh my does he look teh dashing in his return. Hubba.
(Yes, the misspelling in the title is intentional. You know why.)
Just y’all wait. When we finish, there will be so much Buffy here that you’ll beg me to dust you to put you out of your misery. I shouldn’t promise such things, I know, because I’m teh awful with the promises, but this show is… are you ready? Better than ALIAS. Yeah. It’s gonna get crazy around here.
I have to get back to work, but I’ll leave you with the knowledge that I’m totally head-over-heels in love with Spike. He’s fictional, so it’s okay.
FYI, Frank was my #1 “crush,” but MASH didn’t choose him for me.
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I will marry Spike. | ||
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After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Boise in our fabulous House. | ||
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We will have 47 kid(s) together. | ||
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Our family will zoom around in a Brown Volvo XC90. | ||
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I will spend my days as a American Idol judge, and live happily ever after. | ||
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I hope I replace Randy, because Pauler Tripping on Tulps is a must, as is Simon, whom I forgot to list as a crush. And I could get good at saying, “You know what? You are in the ZONE, baby! We got a hot one tonight, yo! Yeah, dawg!”
(found at Tracey’s)
Megan McArdle is telling men how to get their wives into watching science fiction. I was struck by this:
You just have to explain it right.
If by “explain it right,” you mean “tell them they get to watch Nathan Fillion.” Include fantasy in there, and “explain it right” means “tell them they get to watch Nathan Fillion, Tom Welling and David Boreanaz.” Include Tony Head if they get all swoony over seasoned British men. David Duchovny. Michael Vartan. Matthew Fox. That guy that plays Sawyer. Oh, and mention the guns and crossbows. And the fact that sci-fi (I refuse to call it SF, so deal with it) has much smarter and wittier banter than your average drama and chick flicks/shows/books.
Megan continues…
Those of you who pitch science fiction to wives and girlfriends who do not enjoy it are probably saying something along the following lines: “Space ships! Alien monsters! Men in tights!”
I’m hooked. Set up a series recording!
Instead, for women who find that sort of thing distasteful, talk about it as a fairy tale–only a fairy tale with science instead of magic. The basic emotional space it taps is the same.
Actually, some of it has magic. But the point is that if your woman needs it to be framed as a fairy tale, she may be a little shallow and a little dull-witted for sci-fi and fantasy. I’m not saying she is for sure, but it takes someone with an IQ over 90 to appreciate the dialog of Firefly, Buffy, and Angel. Maybe not so much LOST, because on that show, it’s not the dialog that makes your head spin — it’s the “what the heck is a ship’s wheel doing controlling the location of a whole island?” thing.
You might also try to ease her into something with a little more human emotion and a little less space opera–I’m very fond of George R. R. Martin’s current gigantic series. As far as television goes, start with Firefly, then maybe BSG, and then slowly work your way up to Dr. Who.
Yes, I have been wanting to work my way up to Dr. Who, but a certain husband of mine is intimidated by its being in season 470. Re: Firefly: Make sure and tell them it’s based on a true story. That’s what we have to tell my father-in-law, who doesn’t like sci-fi (due to the “fi” part). After “Shindig,” you can tell your ladies that oh, by the way, it’s a space western. A freaking awesome one.
Do not, under any circumstances, unveil Sliders until you’re sure she can handle it. Same with movies: Gattica before Blade Runner. Graphic novels: Sandman, not V for Vendetta. You get the idea.
What Megan meant to say is, “Do not ever ever ever subject her to V for Vendetta. EVER.” I know I didn’t read the graphic novel, but if the movie is any indication, I wouldn’t make it through without soiling every other page with my voluminous vomit. See what I did? I said two words that start with a v, right in sequence! I must be a genius! It’s borderline criminal the way that movie ended. It was You’ve Got Mail (which I hated so so very much), except with bombs and stupid rhyming guys in gay little masks. “What? It was you? You tortured me all this time? Why, that just makes me love you even more. I heart torture! What can I do for you? Cup of tea? Scone? Help you blow yourself and some government property up? No problem, Schmoopy!” Blerg.
Anyway, get her into sci-fi and fantasy TV and movies long before you ease her into books and graphic novels. Except Harry Potter. Chicks tend to dig the Harry Potter books, so those are safe from the beginning. Unless she’s a snob.
I assume this also goes for women paired with SF hating men. But I feel like that’s a rather rarer combination.
Agh! The horror. I know “sci-fi lover” wasn’t exactly on my list of things I just *had* to have in a man, but if I’d really sat down and thought about it, it probably would have ranked as high as #3 on the list of What the Perfect Man is Made Of(TM) (forgive my preposition-endiness). Religious, hilarious, conservative, loyal and faithful, sci-fi lover… Ok, #5. It’d be #5.
We finished season three of Buffy last weekend, and we’re waiting for all seven seasons of it and all five seasons of Angel to arrive (the first three seasons of Buffy are borrowed) in the mail. They’re actually coming regular mail, so we’re really hoping we get at least one series today. Meanwhile, we’ve been rewatching season one. I’m a complete addict.
I mean, I can’t even stop watching. Every time an episode ends, I turn to Frank and say, “Can we watch another one? Please? Kthx.” But at least with this obsession, I don’t have to blog about it immediately or anything like that. No one is waiting to see what I have to say, whereas with Idol, there are like five of you anxiously thirsting for my thoughts.
It was awesome having a three day weekend. Saturday, we slept in, and when we did get up, we decided to start watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs. Now y’all go ahead and tell me how it is I’ve never heard of this show? (Just kidding, I always knew it was there, but I saw the movie, and when the show came out, I was like, “They were able to make a whole TV show out of that?” so I never tried it.) Yeah, so Saturday we spent the entire day watching the first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (plus the premiere of season two). And yesterday we were able to watch a couple of episodes before we saw Carrie Underwood and Josh Turner (whole other post, and I’ll save it for my other blog). And today, we slept in… and as soon as we were both up and sitting on couches, I said, “So. Buffy?” We’re totally hooked.
We’re almost through season two (I only stopped watching so Frank can write a post for tomorrow, and I told him he’d better hurry it up). I have notes so far:
*I’m pretty sure Sarah Michelle Gellar and Allison Mack are the same person. Their voices are exactly the same, they use the same facial expressions and voice inflections, and really the only difference is that one plays the heroine and one plays the sidekick. If I’m not actually looking at the screen, I’m sure that Chloe Sullivan is talking, and I’m like, “Wait, why does Chloe want to make out with Angel? What happened to Clark?”
*Smallville and Buffy are pretty much the same show, except it’s vampires and evil creatures instead of Meteor Freaks (oh, sorry… “Meteor Infected”). And more people know Buffy’s secret than know Clark’s. And Buffy’s mom doesn’t know, because wow, that mother is absent — how do you not know your daughter goes out her window every single night? Anyway, I love both shows, but Buffy is even more addicting.
*How was Angel able to… you know… DO IT with Buffy? Do vamps have functioning wangs and whatnot? I was afraid that if they DID IT, his peep would turn to dust.
*I like Oz. Wish he were on the show more. I also like him with Willow. Too bad about his furry little problem, though.
*Remember when y’all tried to convince me to watch Bones? I tried it, we tried it. It was like a CSI but with more attempts at humor (except the attempts all fell flat for me), less shooting (more shooting is always a plus), and boring characters. So I was thinking, why in the world are people telling me to watch this? What a snoozefest. Well, now I get it. It’s because every time y’all see David Boreanaz, y’all drool and picture him with fangs, white skin, and a constantly brooding face. I get it now, and I’m sorry that I gave up after three or four episodes. Frank already knows that I’ll probably decide that I need to get the first three seasons of Bones on DVD this summer… but first I’ll need to finish seven seasons of Buffy and five seasons of Angel.
*Angel needs to turn good again, and fast, before I fall out of love with him.
*I heart Giles. I think it’s the accent. And the Britishness. And the booky nerdishness.
*Spike. I want more of him, but I still want Angel to give him a good butt-kicking.
*Too bad about Miss Calendar being a lying gypsy and then feeling bad and trying to re-soul Angel and then being murdered by him and all.
*Drusilla, the anorexic crazy vamp, needs to die. I mean, again. She needs to die in the vampire way.
*I like Cordelia. She makes me laugh.
*I’ve decided I don’t want to live on a hellmouth. No matter how brooding and sensual the vamps can be.
More as the series moves along.
UPDATE: Hubba. Shane West! Too bad his body’s going to incubate a giant Sleestak. He’d be a nice fixture on a non-depressing show.
Thank goodness it’s almost over. Unfortunately we have to endure two hours of filler. I mean, I could just read about it on the interwebz, since the show is probably over on the east coast by now, but that wouldn’t be snarky enough.
97.5 million votes came in for the show last night. I’d wager 40% of those votes were Mormon. Oooh, it was a big win. 56% to 44%. I’m now feeling better about my prediction, seeing that margin. There’s no way the tweeners rule America by that big a margin. (Plus I saw that Dial Idol has predicted a clear David Cook win.)
Mikalah Gordon is in Kansas City. Matt Rogers (whom I barely remember, I mean I remember his face but nothing else about him) is in Salt Lake City.
The top twelve are singing in all white (please tell me, tell me please — what da hey is up with the all white? Is Jesus on his way?) with the stars of So You Think You Can Dance dancing all around them.
Next up is a long commercial for Mike Myers’s upcoming The Love Guru. I’m so glad I didn’t fast forward through this excruciating plug. The guys went to see the movie together. David Cook’s favorite scene was the bar fight scene, because it reminds him of where he was before Idol. Half-retarded Archuleta says, “I liked the weird, random sitar music videos.” LOL, Sitar Hero. LOL again, “Mariska Hargitay.” SVU chick. “And you, David Archuleta, you’re so young and yet soon, you’ll have huge success. And also soon, you’ll have hair in weird and wonderful places.” Archuleta pretends to know of which weird and wonderful places the Sitar Hero speaks. “But don’t tug at them. If you do, you might make a boom-boom in your Pull-Ups.” Archtweener is like, “Huh?” He says, “Well, it was a very interesting session, even though I had no idea what he was talking about.” No kidding. And now Guru Pitka is trying to shave David Cook. BTW, I’ve decided that if Pauler ever leaves the show, I want Archuleta in her place. He cries as much, he’s just as clueless, and his vacancy can come across as vodkaesque.
And now the love guru is on stage, having traveled all the way from Hairin Makeister. (Think about it, it will come to you.) Randy is his dawg. Holy Flaming Matadors! Have you seen Randy’s bleeding suit? Yeah yeah. Pitka loves Pauler and loves Simon even more. Guru tells Mr. Seafoam that he predicts the winner will be a U.S. citizen aged 16-25 named David. Then he floats away.
Syesha is singing “I Have Been Waiting for You.” And Seal comes to join on her onstage. She’s rather Pitchy Dawg for the whole song — good thing Seal is there to save it. Hey, Joel McHale in the audience! I bet that’ll make The Soup. His friend Ry Ry must have gotten him tickets.
Ryan says that interviewing Jason Castro was like pulling teeth, and here he is back to perform “Hallelujah.” I am, once again, mesmerized. Stop smiling at all the cheerleaders, Jason, and stay in the song. Mmm. That was nice. He again couldn’t handle the final note, but whatevs. Beautiful. But ack to the skinny jeans he’s wearing.
The Crappy Ford Commercial is basically a gag reel of all the others.
The Davids have both won Ford Escape hybrids. Is Archuleta old enough to drive yet? Haha, beat you to it, Seacrest. I wonder if the Archtween is still imagining no possessions now that he’s won a set of keys. [Save your comments, I don’t care that he’s 17. He’s had a history class by now.]
The top six girls are singing Donna Summer songs. They’re choreographed, and Amanda is so not into the choreography. She’s doing the minimum, and I’m loving it. Brooke is beautifully awkward. Now the 120-year-old Donna Summer herself is out to sing her new single “Stamp Your Feet,” and I’ve gotta say she doesn’t look a day over forty. And now she’s singing “Last Dance,” and Pauler is on her feet. Syesha sings with her, and the other girls join back in. Hey, it’s Marisa Jaret-Winoker from DWTS!
Carly Smithson and Michael Johns singing “The Letter.” Carly looks angry per usual. Man, Michael left the show way too soon. Now see, Carly, this is a tattoos-ablazing song. Great duet.
An avid fan of the show will give a recap. No, not me — I told them I wasn’t available because I needed to snark for you. Instead it’s Kimmel. He says without makeup and hairdos, Seacrest looks like Chris Sligh. Kimmel shows a clip of Simon’s insults put to music (ending with a big Cowelly wink).
Top six guys rocking out to “Summer of ‘69.” LOL, I forgot about David Hernandez. Chikezie forgot his one line — he covered it well, but I know my Bryan Adams. Now “Heaven.” Eee, Bryan Adams singing with the guys! He is Archuleta sized and looks like a way more handsome Sting or Willem Dafoe. “I Thought I’d Seen Everything.” Next “Somebody.” Love the medley.
Bo Bice and his lovely wife in the audience.
Jordin is on to tell us about The American Idol Experience at Disney World, and Sweetie, can you please pretty please look into that?
David Cook and ZZ Top, “Sharp-Dressed Man.” Cook is even playing his guit-tar. That’s gotta be a dream, singing and playing guit-tar with ZZ Top. I seriously didn’t know you could look and play that awesome at the ripe age of 87. Cook has either a new guitar or a new “AC” label on his instrument. I assume the AC stands for Andrew Cook?
Brooke White singing “Teach Your Children Well” with Graham Nash. Brooke looks stunning in a long blue dress and bare feet. Well done.
David Cook a la Tom Cruise in Risky Business dancing around with a Guitar Hero guitar in a Guitar Hero commercial. Awesome, if a little disturbing.
I apologize for saying awesome in every other sentence this Idol season. It’s apparently my word of choice these days.
A band of spastic kids are onstage playing. Ryan says they need no introduction, but I’m not sure who they are. I seem to remember a spastic group of youths performing earlier this season, and I think they’re the same ones, but I’m not hip with the kids these days. They are what Simon would call “atrocious,” and the lead singer is dressed in a shiny girl’s suit.
Recap of the worst auditions of the season. Renaldo Lapuz being the most memorable of those, and I’m positive he’s won the songwriting competition with “I Am Your Brother.” And of course, they’ve brought him out onstage to reprise his inspiring audition. And for some reason, someone has arranged the song for the USC… drum & bugle corps, I’m guessing? And the USC cheerleaders are onstage too. And now Pauler has flounced onto stage, as has Randy — they’ve both been into Pauler’s Happy Stash. They’re dancing along and whatnot. Simon remains sane and in his chair.
OneRepublic performing “Apologize.” I’ve heard this song before, but I don’t know how. The Archtweener joins them onstage, and I’m actually happy about this, because he’s a better singer than the OneRepublic dude. Archtween has decided it’s sleepy-bye time and hasn’t opened his eyes once during the entire song. Oh look! Eyeballs. After the music stops.
Matt Rogers is interviewing Archuleta’s father’s father in SLC. He asks, “Are you as big a control freak as your son?” Oh, both grandfathers are there. They’re more interesting than the Archtween.
Jordin Sparks is singing something, dressed like an International Space Station solar panel. Or Rainbow Brite at the prom. What possessed her to wear the mylar balloon, peeps? I must know! Okay, as a girl with even more back than Jordin, I can say this: girls with mega-butts cannot wear pleats. Ever. And humans cannot wear alien space suits except on the moon. General rule. Aw, Blake Lewis is singing along with her in the audience.
Hahahaha. Gladys Night and the Pips in a flashback video of “Midnight Train to Georgia.” The Pips being Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. We’re going to see his movie tomorrow night. This is hilarious. Jack Black isn’t a very good Pip (they are, by definition, in the background). ROFL. Best performance all season! And all the money from downloading will go to charity.
Carrie Underwood! Singing “My Last Name.” Wow, um… thanks for showing us your hoo-hahed glory on Idol, Carrie. Sang it amazingly, but I was pretty distracted by the camera panning up to the happy canal. Maybe she just forgot her bloomers or something, left the spanky pants at home.
And now Archtweener is in his own Risky Business Guitar Hero commercial. Except he’s wearing shorts, because if he weren’t it would be something like exploitation of tweenies.
New J.J. Abrams show this fall. Looks creepy. I wish he’d go back to making spy shows.
Top girls singing “Faith,” and I heard on the radio this morning that George Michael would be on the show. Top guys singing “Father Figure,” a song I hate with the passion of a million tweeny Archuleta fans. LOL, David Hernandez got the line “to be warm and naked.” Apropos. Now they’re all singing “Freedom.” And there’s George Michael. They’re having a ton of mic trouble during this medley. Aw, I’ve missed Chikezie. Ha, he got the line “the clothes don’t make the man.” On the radio this morning, they also said that one of the Nigels said that their surprise guest tonight would be “the biggest star in the world,” or something like that. I know in Rachl Lukis’s world it’s true, but nowhere else since about 1988. Ooh, goody of goodies! He’s singing that putrid song that Carrie sang during Idol Gives Back, you know, the one that says humans are all pieces of crap who no longer care about other people.
Yeah, you know what? What’s mine *is* mine. Tough cookies, toots. His sunglasses make him look like a character from A Bug’s Life.
Awesome, way to make an otherwise fun celebration into a big bucket of despair. Kiss my big fat white pinkytoe.
Finally, the last break. Of the season.
I stand by my lame prediction of David Cook. Randy says they’re both winners, and he’s so glad they’re the top two. Pauler is honored and proud. It’s the beginning of start of the destinies of their careers or something. After Simon watched back last night’s performance, he has something to say. He says, “I vindicate everything SarahK said, so nyah, SarahK detractors!” Word for word: “Um, I wanna congratulate both of you last night, because I thought on the night it was a terrific show. I went back home to watch it. It wasn’t *quite* so clear cut as we’d called it [YA THINK?]. And in fact, um, David [Cook], I will take this opportunity to apologize, because I was verging on disrespectful with you. And I don’t think you deserved that. Because over the season, both of you, what I like about both of you is that you’re tryers, and you’ve both given it your best, you’re both very nice people, and for the first time ever, I don’t really care who wins. I think you’ve both done terrific.” Boo-yah and amen.
Which David will it be? Winner by twelve million votes… David…
More snark…
Seriously? Um… let’s get ready to rumble?
David Cook in a boxing robe, in the red corner. I won’t argue with that. And then there’s this dude, weighing in at “100 pounds soaking wet” — true dat — in the blue corner. The boxing announcer dude says that THIS! IS AMERICAN IDOL! And he’s about 1/10th as annoying as Ryan when he says it. They’re at the Nokia Theater. Didn’t that used to be the Kodak? Next year it will be the Olympus.
Frank predicts that the Archtweener of Cluelessbury chokes but still wins. I forbid it.
They’re at the big theater, whatever it may be currently called, which means they’re all dressed to the nines, even the dashing Mr. Cowell is wearing his traditional finale-week white button-down shirt (gaping to the navel, of course) and black jacket. I was agog and aghast today when I mentioned that Simon would be even hotter tonight than normal, and Elle was like, “Um…” What? Simon is lovely! “Um… No.” I’m not sure we’re friends anymore.
Three songs from each tonight. I hear that the Archtweener will be reprising his “Imagine,” and I’m just gonna go ahead and blerg in advance, k? In fact, I’ll blerg intermittently throughout the evening.
LOL. American Idol has officially rewritten the history of season five. Taylor didn’t even thank them on his liner notes, and his underrated CD didn’t come close to Daughtry in sales… so Idol is going right on ahead and pretending that Daughtry won that season, and who blames them? See me if you do. Ryan is voicing over: “Two men with one name and one desire… to be crowned champion. Their prize, a heavy-weight title reserved only for superstars.” And they show Kelly Clarkson, Chris Daughtry, and Carrie Underwood (whom we’re watching from the 3rd row Sunday night, yo). Hmm… One of those didn’t actually win the heavy-weight title. But whatevs, Idol, we know what you mean. You, too, knew it was a disaster for Chris Daughtry to leave so early. Disaster for the show, not for him, dudes.
Archtweener: “My strategy for this round is just… uh… choke [Lord willing]… and… sing something with an important message, you know, like communism and all of the wonderful things that it stands for. Such as… mass murder, starvation, and compulsory lameness. Those things mean a lot to me.”
The boxing metaphor is already tiring me out, peeps. Clive Davis and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber are the mentors this week. I actually wish it were David Foster and ALW, because Foster’s so awesome when he tells contestants that he’d throw them out of the recording studio if they performed like that. Alas, he’s off making boring McPheever music.
Archtweener won the coin toss and will go second. Cook hams to the crowd when asked how it feels to be so awesome. When asked the same, Archtweener says, “It’s like… a dream… just dreamy… so cool… You know what I like? Brownies. Jason Castro left some behind and I’ve eaten lots of them.” See, the joke is that he’s so retarded that he just sounds like he’s rolling in the THC.
Randy says they have to leave everything on the floor tonight and become King of the Nokia. That’s dumb. Because Randy’s dumb. You know who else is dumb? You and me, baby, because we’re watching this crap. Pauler feels the need to tell the kids which theater they’re at, and she actually gets the name right! Standing O from me, because that’s a big accomplishment for the Pauler. Good job, Pauler. Yes, Frank, I get it. He’s a monchhichi. Simon says they have to have a desire to win and hate their opponents. Cook is thinking, “Done.” Archtweener says that Cook is like awesome and stuff. Cook shakes his fist and says, “Ohhhh, Archuleta.” He compliments the goob on being the nicest guy in the world ever and notes that the competition is over, and now they’re just having fun. Glad to know you’re as into it as I am.
Frank is going to bed and wants to make sure y’all know that David Archuleta is a freaking monchhichi. Noted? Kthx.
Hey, who’s that guy who keeps talking in sports lingo? He’s a football guy or baseball guy or something? I recognize him, but I’m drawing a blank on the name. Clive Davis has picked for David Cook, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” Ok, I’ve gone back and forth for a number of years trying to decide which is my all-time favorite ’80s song. This one or Mellencamp’s “Jack & Diane” or Phil Collins’s “In the Air Tonight.” Have never been able to decide, though if I had to pick right now, I’m sure I’d say the U2 song wins. But anyway, this is one of the best songs of all time, so I hope he does it justice. For David Archuleta, Clive has chosen “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me,” and it’s a great song for Archuleta. Why? Because I’ve been bored of it for a few years now. Arch nods and smiles politely but is thinking, “What song is that?” ALW says, “Young David has it. Provided he doesn’t sing the song like this all the time [closing his eyes], which will drive us all mad!” He says to Archtweener, “Don’t let your eyes go closed on me is what I say.” I heart him. I do.
Ok, so finally we get to hear some singing. David Cook is singing “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” I’m not quite sure he gets that this is a religiousy song, and what’s the orange band he’s wearing on his hand? And he just pushed it right into the camera to make sure we all saw it. Now, it’s hard to live up to the Rattle and Hum version, what with the gospel choir and whatnot, but when he sang the first “but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for,” I was thrown off by him continuing right into the next line, because in my mind, I was hearing the repeat, “But I still haven’t fou-ou-ou-ound what I’m looking faaaaahhhhhh.” All that said, I loved it, and it was one of his best all year. Oooh! Love the ending. Mwah, David Cook. Mwah. Lack of choir notwithstanding, best of the night so far! (See, that was the first of the night.) RANDY: Yo. Yo. Listen, I think it was a great way to start off this duel of 2007. SARAHK: Um. 2008? Is that you, Paula? RANDY: Great song. I don’t know if you did everything you could do with it, but I love the scoop up of the note at the end, it was hot, baby, hot! PAULER: Well, you may not have found what you’re looking for, but we have found it, David Cook. David Cook has arrived, amen, my dress is quite pink. SIMON: You know, David, I could see at the top of this show, you looked very tense, very emotional, and I can understand why. So taking all of that together, I thought it was phenomenal. SARAHK: Yay!
Do we have to watch/listen to David Archuleta? Can’t we just end on that first one? “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” He’s trying so hard to keep his eyes open. It’s not working. When he’s sitting on the stairs, I’m sorry but I keep flashing back to seeing Justin Timberlake sitting on the stage at my third *NSYNC concert singing “Gone.” But that was awesome, and this is less awesome. He’s bobbing around very awkwardly, and this is one of his few pitchy dawg songs all year. It rarely happens to him, but this time it did. Several times I cringed, and not from watching his painful dancing. He actually was out of tune twice or thrice. I blame nerves, because I also caught a teensy weensy bit of shaky voice in there. It was good, not great, and uncharacteristically off. RANDY: Check it out, baby. It doesn’t matter what happens right now, you gotta know one thing, this is one of the best performances of the whole season. SARAHK: That? RANDY: And you picked the right time to peak, baby! SARAHK: Yeah, that’s what he said to Syesha, too… it’s a curse! Well played, R-Dawg. RANDY: That was flawless and unbelievably molten hot! Hot! Crazy vocals! Crazy! SARAHK: Flawless? Huh. PAULER: I’ve gotta tell ya, my heart’s still pounding. I got chills up and down my arms. RANDY: Crazy! Crazy! SARAHK: Simmah down, crazy man. PAULER: The sun is never going to go down on you. SARAHK: So you’re going to live at the North Pole, and it will eternally be the summer solstice. Wow, I’m a dork. PAULER: That was a beautiful beautiful stunning performance. SIMON: Okay okay okay okay. Right, it’s very easy to get over-excited on tonight. I’m going to be oh-nest with you. I thought last week you were okay. I thought tonight was arguably the best performance you’ve done so far. SARAHK: I paused the DVR so I could type and scratch my head, and the look of “huh” frozen on Archtweener’s face right now approximates my own look of “huh.” SIMON: Taking everything into account, round one goes to Archuleta. Archuleta mouths “No.” SarahK agrees with Archuleta.
For the second song, they took the top ten songs from the song-writing contest, and each guy got to choose which one to sing. David Cook chose “Dream Big” by Emily Shackleton. Arch is singing “In This Moment,” which is a title worthy of an Idol single. ALW is worried about David Cook’s voice tiring out.
David Cook sings. “Dream Big.” Awesome. I’m shocked that he could take an Idol song contest song and make it not suck. I can tell his voice is giving out a bit, but he’s still holding it together, and I would absolutely buy this single. Well done. RANDY: A’ight, beginning of round two. The song was just okay for me, but what made it really work was your voice. You were hitting those high notes and I was like what? Nice! PAULER: A song in your heart, a guitar in your hand, and we millions sitting here. It’s a great way to take a song we don’t know and fall in love with it. SARAHK: How many sentence fragments were in there? SIMON: Uh. I mean you. Using the boxing analogy, it was a bit of a lightweight, I thought. I thought the end was okay, I mean, you made the most of what you had. Bearing in mind that this was supposed to be like a winning song, it didn’t feel like a winning moment for me. Just an opinion! The good news is, we’ve got a third song. PAULER: And it wasn’t even the winning song. Was it? Randy just laughs, because Pauler is giving away spoilers. I’m telling y’all, Simon is smoking crack this year.
Archtweener is singing “In This Moment.” I’m bored. Can’t even bring myself to comment on how closed his eyes are. RANDY: Once again for me, the song? I wasn’t crazy about the song. Right now, though, dawg, you’re in the zone. You could sing the phone book, baby, and it’d be good. SARAHK: Empty couch, could he sing the phone book? Is he in the zone? EMPTY COUCH: I think he *is* in the zone. He *could* sing the phone book. PAULER: It’s just another heartfelt performance, it doesn’t matter what you’re singing. It’s like you’re on fire tonight, it’s pure natural. And you know what? That is why you’re in the spot that you’re in in the final. SIMON: You know what? I love the egotistical lyric. Fantastically self-centered. You definitely definitely chose the better song there. Definitely in keeping with the night. Round two goes to David Archuleta. SARAHK: Him? Am I missing something? Somebody explain this to me. Now.
Final round is contestant’s choice. Cook’s singing “The World I Know” by Collective Soul. Archtweener will sing “I Spit and Vomit on SarahK’s Capitalist Shoes.”
David Cook. “The World I Know.” I love it. Understated and beautiful. And now the song is over, and he’s crying. RANDY: Yo yo yo. You know, one of the cool things about you is that you showing people tonight a lot of different sides of David Cook. You showed a very sensitive side of David Cook tonight. PAULER: I look at you up on that stage, and you’re standing in your truth, and you’re delivering all these songs with integrity and originality, and I truly applaud you in my very pink dress. SIMON: You know, David, I just want to say publicly that you are one of the nicest, most sincere contestants we’ve had. SARAHK: But. SIMON: Um. I thought that was, it was a beautiful song, but I’m going to be oh-nest with you. That was completely and utterly the wrong song choice for you. SARAHK: Wha? SIMON: On the night. Because what you should have done, you should have sung “Billy Jean” or “Hello.” You understand what I’m saying. COOK: Yes and no. I see this competition as a progression, so I figured why do something I’ve already done? But I totally understand what you’re saying. SARAHK: Yes, Simon is saying you should have gone back to what is comfortable instead of pushing yourself into something new. Phone it in and all that.
This has been one of the best final two nights ever. I’m not saying best final two; I’m saying best final two performances. Remember how much of a letdown it was in season four when Carrie and Bo both kind of sucked on the final night of competition? This is so much better.
Archtweener sings, and if I end up in hell after Judgment Day, this song will be playing on an eternal loop, and the speakers will never wear out. The singing is good, y’all know how I feel about the song. It’s my favoritest of all time. RANDY: Yay yay yay! Best singer of season 2007! PAULER: It’s the culmination, and you’ve left me speechless. You were stunning tonight. SARAHK: You know, Pauler, you were a letdown tonight. I expected much more vodka out of you. SIMON: You know, we’ve taken a little bit of stick this year, the competition, but this show is about finding a star. And tonight, I think we’ve witnessed one of the great finals. But here’s the difference. In my opinion, you came out here tonight to win, and what we have witnessed is a knockout. SARAHK: But I’m not even there. Can you see me? Are there cameras here?
Wholeheartedly disagree over here, in case you’re wondering.
My order:
Cook (have tried voting a lot, can’t get through)
Archuleta
Prediction: Anybody’s guess. The judges have their heads so far up Archuleta’s butt this year, and it’s kinda getting stinky. Since the tweenies seem to rule the world, I would predict Archuleta wins. But after a top 24 full of such potential, what a tragedy that would be, and I just can’t bear to think of it. So I’m going to predict Cook to win, and y’all can laugh at my naivete tomorrow.
Speaking of tragedies, Ruben Studdard is closing out the show with “Celebrate Me Home.” B.L.E.R.G. Thank goodness for the fast-forward button.
More American Idol.
The top three are singing “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now,” and again I ask, really? All the songs in the musical ‘verse to choose from, and we get that cheeseball song?
Crappy Ford commercial. “Heaven.” This week they didn’t even try, did they?
56 million votes last night. I didn’t bother, because I can never get through on anyone’s line if I call after 9 p.m. here. So if David Cook doesn’t make the final, you can blame me. I take full responsibility.
We’re recapping, we’re recapping, and now it’s my favorite moment from last night. The Archtweener of Cluelessbury singing about my boobs. Awesome. Now if that had happened on the same night that Paula judged Jason’s second song before he sang it, I might still be hyperventilating.
Um. Fantasia’s on stage right now, singing a song called “Bore Me,” and amen to that. No, back it up, I take that back. This very well may be the most craptaculasmic performance ever on that stage. I can’t believe I voted for her. Seriously, I had to pause it and take a break, because I couldn’t take it. Hey look, Sabrina Bryan in the audience. ROFL, the look on Simon’s face. He can’t believe he voted for her either, apparently.
Ryan wants to know if he can start the drama now. He brings out David Archuleta, who takes solace in the knowledge that if he goes home tonight, he’ll still have the very important task of carrying the Ring to Mordor to save Middle Earth. We get to watch the Archtweener’s trip home to Utah. Oh, and I’m so happy because we get to listen to him sing “Imagine” while we watch the clip. Hooray.
Now we get to watch the Archtweener’s going home video, since we won’t get to see it next week. But the awesome thing about it is we don’t have to hear Ruben Studdard sing; instead we get the uber-talented Graham Colton. I love him (even have his CD from 2003 or 2004 back when he was playing bars in Dallas, before the name change to Graham Colton Band and the second name change to Graham Colton).
Syesha went back to Florida. Awww. Her dad’s still clean. That’s awesome. She’s crying even more than Archy cried on his trip home. Kids these days.
Ryan asks Syesha if Pauler’s comments last night were harsh. Simon says they were a little over the top. Syesha’s going home video, set to “I Believe.”
David Cook’s turn. David, why so sad? Why so detached? Why so subdued, word nerd? Huh. It wasn’t David’s idea to audition; he was there in Omaha to provide moral support for his brother. Producer came up with a camera, David said, no, I’m not auditioning, he is. Producer said now you are, and so now, if David wins, his brother gets half of everything. His brother did the whole hometown tour with him, and David went to visit his elementary school music teacher.
I like his going home video. Feel a little bad for his brother, though.
Simon says if it’s the final he’s hoping for, it’ll be a real humdinger next week. Pauler and Randy are up in arms over the use of the word humdinger, because apparently it’s way too sophisticated for them to have ever heard of it.
David Archuleta is in the final. David Cook is, too! Yay for David Cook! I think David Cook with either one would be a good finale, but a finale without David Cook wouldn’t have been worth watching. Help us, David Cook, you’re our only hope for a good finale.
Anyway, Syesha sings herself out, and next week David Cook puts the beatdown on the Archtweener.
More American Idol.
Is it, Ryan? Is it American Idol?
High school student, actress, bartender. If anyone but the bartender wins this thing, I might not be able to motivate myself next year.
Right. Addictions are just *so* easy to give up. No, not the addiction to American Idol. The addiction to writing about American Idol.
LOL. Marilou Henner is in the audience, and she’s checking out her ring to see how sparkly it is in the American Idol lights.
Paula looks lovely tonight.
The judges have each chosen a song for the contestants, the producers (who always try to screw each contestant with song selection) have chosen one, and the contestants have chosen one. How long is the show tonight? Please say an hour. Please. YES. DVR says it is. Thank you, Idol gods. Hey, that’s redundant.
The mayor of Wherever All the Mormons Live tells David Archuleta that Pauler has chosen for him “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel. First, I just want to say that I adore that song. Fantastic choice by Pauler. And yes, I do have pretty much every Billy Joel album ever made (except The Nylon Curtain — I had it, but I lost it in my divorce, but that’s okay, because I ended up with pretty much every other CD and DVD we co-owned). Second, I want to sing this lyric from the song in question to David A: “And so will you soon, I suppose.” You know, that’s what they need on AI. A Billy Joel night. Hopefully people would pick songs such as “Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel)” and “Innocent Man” and stay away from MTV fare like “Uptown Girl.” Also no “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant,” because you just can’t truncate that into anything meaningful, and no “Angry Young Man,” because unless you’re going to stand up, kick away your piano bench, and just start hammering that Prelude, you can’t do the song justice. I’ve seen it in concert, and I will eviscerate you for your lack of hammering. I’m sure some clueless tweenie (such as the Arch himself) would try to sing “Piano Man” standing up with no piano in sight. Okay, maybe Billy Joel night would be a disaster. So get on that, producers; I know you have it in you.
Oh yes, this is supposed to be about Archuleta, so I guess I have to stop talking about Bill Martin. Yeah, so Ryan asks the Archtweener of Cluelessbury how he felt about being given that song. “I… uh… have never heard of Billy Joel. Is he one of the Beatles?” Cluelessbury says he’s really like excited about it yay. Written near the end of Joel’s first marriage and released later on Storm Front, it’s easily one of the best tracks on that album. Huh. He’s not even going to take off his everyday leather jacket, then, is he? This is beautiful (first thoughts). Almost messed up there with the double “so,” but he saved that. A tad flat on the last “and so it goes.” Andrew Lloyd Webber is spitting at you from his couch, Archtweener, with all that closing of the eyes. Anyway, it was as beautiful as I could have hoped, and even though I want to credit the songwriter for most of that, I will give credit to the voice where it is due. It was lovely (with my eyes closed since he had his eyes closed). RANDY: Yo ho. So check it out, baby. You know what I’m really happy about at this moment. Paula chose a dope song for you… SARAHK: Yeah she did — a rare sober moment. RANDY: The Billy Joel thing works for you. You’re in the zone, you’re in it to win it, baby! SARAHK: According to Randy, everybody’s in it to win it. PAULER: I gotta tell you, it was a pure and stunning performance, tonight I felt like you were really a story teller. SIMON: Yeah, it was very good. You know, no surprises. A bit predictable. CROWD: Booooooo! King of Swine! SIMON: It was good. I don’t think it was outstanding. SCARILY UNISON CROWD OF TWEENER GIRLS: It WAS! SIMON: Oh really. You lot are now judging, right? I don’t think so! SARAHK: That’s right. I’m judging, tweenies, so step back. SIMON: It was good.
I’ve never seen an ep of So You Think You Can Dance.
I think Pauler just said that we can only download the iTunes performances until next week’s finale. ON IT. (I really want Jason’s studio version of “Mr. Tambourine Man,” as I’m sure he hasn’t shot the tambourine man in the recording.)
Syesha is in a limo in Tampa and gets a text from Randy Jackson, the saboteur, who tells her that she’s going to sing “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keyes. That’s just mean. When I auditioned in… wow, was that 2004? I can’t believe it’s been so long! Anyway, when I auditioned (story here and here), soooo many girls were singing that for their audition song. Even two girls on my flight to Vegas got up and sang it for the whole plane, and I was thinking that perhaps I was the only one *not* singing that song. Anyway, she looks gorgeous. This is pretty and predictable and boring. She’s a good singer, but I find myself zoning out and searching for old blog posts. And I can’t take that the whole song is about having nothing if she ain’t got you, and at the end, she dazzles a million dollar smile. She’s so happy in her angst over the man in the song. Blerg! RANDY: I’m so happy you’re peaking at this point in the competition. That’s why you’re staying in there at number three. SARAHK: Wow. He just told her she’s last place right now. PAULER: I’m very proud that you are the last lady standing there. It’s difficult to sing that, you did great, you look stunning. SIMON: You sang that very well. I just wish that Randy had chosen something for you where you weren’t going to just sound exactly like the original. RANDY: She changed quite a few notes in there. SARAHK: Like two whole notes! Wooo! SIMON: But you did sing it very well, and you look gorgeous, by the way. SARAHK: Very sparkly.
Simon has texted David Cook, who pretends he accidentally didn’t turn off his IPHONE, EVERYONE! IPHONE! EVERYONE HAS AN IPHONE! GO BUY ONE NOW BEFORE YOU’RE THE LAST UNCOOL PERSON ON EARTH! IPHONE! IPHONE! YAY IPHONE! Anyway, Simon says David will sing “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack, a song I hate so so very much. I saw Celine sing it in concert in 1999 (yes, you don’t “hear” Celine sing in concert, you see her sing, and it’s a little painful if you have your eyes open), and I’ve not been the same since, but I’m not sure I ever liked it before then anyway. Let’s hope David can make this so much better than it really is, and I have faith that he can. “You’re really going to sing Roberta Flack?” “Apparently so!” Simon says it is one of the great songs of all time [DISAGREED, COWELL!] and he thinks David is going to do very well and be all original and stuff. Weird. One woman stands all by herself in the audience and beams. Probably his mom. They keep showing her. Anyway, I’ve gotta say this isn’t much better than the original. Blerg with a capital LERG. Awful. Goat vibrato and everything. Is that even the same guy? That was a nightmare. Good he’s got two songs left. RANDY: I’ve been a fan of yours from the beginning, you can sing anything. SARAHK: He says that about everyone named David, though, so don’t feel special. RANDY: Loved the high note at the end. But I wish Simon would have picked something that wasn’t as predictable as this song for you, older song, blahdeblahdeblah. PAULER: It’s so funny that it’s about the two of you, but actually David, it’s about you. That’s actually one of my favorite songs, and now you’re the second favorite person who sings it. SARAHK: WhatEVS. How do so many people love this song? Hearing it just now stole a piece of my soul, and I’ll never get it back, never. SIMON: Well, David, this may sound a little bit biased, but I actually thought it was one of your best performances to date. Blah blah blah, Round One goes to Cook and Cowell. SARAHK: I really and honestly believe he’s been nipping from Pauler’s “Coke” glass this season.
And I hate to say it, but round one goes to the Archtweener. David Cook is dead last in round one. Sad turn of events, really. David tells his mom (yes, it was her swaying in the audience) happy belated Mother’s Day (by the way). In case I didn’t send you flowers or whatever.
I just can’t hear a “zoom zoom zoom” commercial without thinking, “You zoom zoom zoom?” Scrubs, of course.
Archtweener of Cluelessbury is on the Tool Stool with Ry Ry. He’s singing his choice of song. He chose “With You” by Chris Brown, and I haven’t heard of it, so I assume it’s some new agey Christian pop song. I can’t wait. Uhmmm. I just keep looking at Frank so we can exchange looks of “Wha?” I think he’s singing about a girl and love, but I’m not sure, because there are words such as “hearts all over the world tonight.” My boos? Seriously? That was terrible and delicious all at once. Easily his most painfully awkward song yet. Awesome. RANDY: Yo, dawg, I didn’t believe it, you singing “my boos.” SARAHK: I have to go back and watch it again, it was that bad. LOL, it sounds like he’s singing “I need your boobs.” Truly awful, and thank you, Archtweener, I’ll never forget this. RE: “My boos,” Archtweener says, “That’s understandable. It’s pretty weird to see a white guy…” He’s my favorite trainwreck ever, and by favorite, I of course mean that after this episode is over, I only want to hear him sing “my boobs” as his goodbye song. PAULER: This is another part of who you are. Don’t extend the phrases, shorten up a little bit. SARAHK: He’s only about 4′8″. SIMON: David, I applooode you that you didn’t do a very treacly ballad, which I would have expected. SARAHK: I know the word treacly from Harry Potter! It means sickly sweet, I think. SIMON: Howevah, it was a bit like a chihauwer trying to be a tiger. Insomuch as… CROWD: Booooo! King of Rubbish! SIMON: Insomuch as… CROWD: Booooo! SIMON: Insomuch as it wasn’t really you. I thought it was all a bit awkward, the dancing… RYAN: Listen, my boo, we’ve gotta get to the… [numbers].
*Sigh*esha is now on the Tool Stool. She’s gonna sing “Fever” by Peggy Lee. She wants to use the chair, and by use the chair, she means dance around it like she’s on Broadway, because she is really trying so hard for that stage career. Can’t hear the backup singers at all. I wonder, do they tell the backup singers that they’re singing but keep the mics off all the time? We hardly ever hear them anymore. Is that Ricky Minor playing the double bass? Man of many talents. As y’all can see, I was less than remotely interested in Syesha. Boring. RANDY: Yo. A very interesting song choice at this point, but you sang it amazingly well. Again, a great performance. PAULER: You look lovely tonight, Syesha, and I’ve gotta tell you… SYESHA: Thank you. PAULER: You’re welcome. I’m surprised you picked this song, because I just feel like it’s an interesting choice, but I’m not sure it shows me who Syesha is as an artist. SARAHK: You didn’t go out there and show who you are as an artist. SIMON: Syesha, I think you will probably regret that decision tomorrow. Because you had a chance to prove that you’re a contemporary recording artist with your own choice of song. Instead, you did quite a lame cabaret performance.
David Cook is on the Tool Stool, and Ryan is on Syesha’s dancin’ chair. Ryan says he feels like he’s at the kids’ table. I’ll bet he always feels like he’s at the kids’ table. Ooooooh! David is singing something by Switchfoot; I hope “Only Hope,” “Learning to Breathe,” or “Twenty-Four.” Off the top of my head. He’s singing “Dare You to Move,” which kinda would have been one of the last Switchfoot songs I would have chosen, simply because it’s a song that’s been on pretty much every Switchfoot album (plus the “A Walk to Remember” soundtrack), and it’s kinda their mantra, their signature, and they have several songs he could have chosen. His vibrato is really goaty tonight, and I don’t get it, because he’s not been goaty much all season (that was the other Cook). Maybe just really nervous? He’s flat early in the song. When he hits the chorus, it gets much much better, and I mostly love it from there on. For some reason, he just seems off tonight, though. I think he could have done more with it and totally kicked that song’s pinkytoe, but I think the weirdness during the verse made it less than it should have been. RANDY: Yo. Uh. Great great song choice, produced by my friend John Fields. SARAHK: You mean you didn’t produce it, Randy? I don’t believe you. RANDY: I love that band from San Diego, Switchfoot. Performance-wise, let me just say it wasn’t your best performance tonight, a little pitchy baby. PAULER: As an artist, I know how hard it is to get like a three and a half minute song into a minute thirty… I feel like you just got to the beginning when it hit the end of the song, and I wanted more. SIMON: You know what, David, there’s not much I could have added to that. It was pretty much what I would have expected, it’s not the best melodic song in the world. I think all three of you had an okay middle round. SARAHK: But still, round two definitely to David Cook. SIMON: We’ve got one more round to go. SARAHK: He looks like he’s just detached from the whole thing. Is he trying to lose it tonight? Or does he have something on his mind?
Cluelessbury is singing “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg, sleepy little song. Wow. I didn’t know he died last year. Archtweener is trying so hard to keep his eyes open, and he just can’t do it for the whole song. The vocals are nice. RANDY: Again, an interesting song choice for me for you. But you can sing the phone book, you’re in the zone. SARAHK: Hey sweetie, can he sing the phone book? Is he in the zone? FRANK: He just might be. RANDY: It was another hot one from you! Hot, hot. SARAHK: That was the most half-hearted proclamation of hotness from Randy I think I’ve ever heard. PAULER: Very lovely. SIMON: Look, David. I’m not gonna criticize you, because I thought you sang the song very well. However, I thought the song and the lyrics was absolutely horrible. It was so gooey. CROWD: Booooo! He’s a witch! Burn him! SARAHK: No, he’s right. It was so treacly. SIMON: It is gooey. It’s something you choose for like a 90-year-old. Having said that, I do think you’ve done enough to get into the finals next week. SARAHK: *sigh* Yeah.
The top ten will tour everywhere except Idaho this summer. We’d have to go to Portland or Salt Lake to see the tour.
For Syesha, the producers chose “Hit Me Up” by Gia Farrell. Don’t know it, never heard of it. It reminds me of one of those songs from Donkey Konga. She was good, pretty fun. RANDY: Uhhh, you know, yeah, I could see you doing a song like that, kinda Rianna-esque. You know, it was just okay for me. SARAHK: Who’s this Rianna everyone’s always on about? And I actually thought it was her best of the night. If I’m being oh-nest. PAULER: That was from the Happy Feet soundtrack. SIMON: So it’s a song about penguins. PAULER: It’s a song about… No, it’s a movie about penguins, the song is in it… it’s about a grey goose. SARAHK: Zoom zoom zoom! I’m awesome with my vodka references. ‘Cause see, the implication is always that Pauler is drunk. SIMON: It’s about penguins. PAULER: He’s trying to tell me it’s about penguins. SARAHK: Isn’t the movie about how ManBearPig is eating all the penguins? PAULER: Syesha, you did the song very well, I don’t… again, I just wanna tell you that I don’t know if it’s the kind of song you’re good at. [And then here’s where we know Pauler’s had a few too many shots.] I don’t know if it’s good enough to get you into the finals of American Idol. [She never has an actual opinion! It’s the Stoly talking, there is no other explanation.] CROWD: Booooo! SIMON: Syesha, look, it was better than the second song, that’s for sure. If I’m being oh-nest with you, you had your best moment last week with the Sam Cooke song. I don’t think anything this week has topped that. I think the problem with that song, ’cause it is a song about penguins, it’s a little bit forgettable. It’s fun, it’s young, but it didn’t give you that defining moment that I would have liked at the end of this show.
I need a massage soooo bad. Two more days.
Ryan hearts iTunes so much.
David Cook is being forced to sing “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing,” an Aerosmith song written by Diane Warren (the one who writes all of Celine’s sappy love songs), and yes, I do love this song, and I don’t care how cheesy it is. Haha, I just wikied it, and apparently she originally intended the song for Celine Dion. That’s golden, and I never knew. The strings are beating me down, and believe me, I love strings. But they’re numbing my essence, peeps. My essence. But David hits the chorus, and all is good in the world. I especially love it when the strings go all dissonant when he’s getting up a good yell. Well done. On this lacklusterish night, this is the best of the night, with Archtweener’s “And So It Goes” in second place. RANDY: Yo. DC. Check it out, for me, I love this song. It was okay for me. Very predictable. SARAHK: Ohhhhhhkayyyyyy. Sleepy time for Mr. Crankypants. PAULER: What da hey you talkin’ ’bout, Randy? Look, Diane Warren in the audience! That means David Cook was teh awesome! David, C-Ya in the finals! That’s what I predict! SIMON: David, one of the great songs of all time, and I have to tell you, David Cook wins the night. SARAHK: Yeah he does. As almost always. David, why you look so sad tonight?
My order (because you’re dying to know):
David Cook by a mile*****
Archtweener
Syesha
We all know it will be an all-David final.
More American Idol.