And here we go. Ryan says THIS is the Finale. And THIS is American Idol. The boys are both dressed in white, because, you know, they like to do that look at least once a season. Where’s the choir, though? Haven’t seen them yet this season.
Jolie Fisher in the house.
Oh. Good cow. Wow. Randy’s BOWTIE! They play a “for you for me” montage. Thank you, Idol. Now a Kahra montage of bad news delivered among sweeties and honeys. Wow, she looks hot. They play a Pauler montage–her huge vocabulary. Hahahahaha. Wow, Pauler looks amazing. Look at her rocking bod. A montage of Simon’s whats, huhs, and come agains. Cute.
Carrie is in the audience in a bubble gum pink Barbie dress.
Oh look! The two finalists. It was emotional for Kris, a boy, last night. And the guys’ mics aren’t working. Yay! I love stage meltdowns on Idol, they make me so happy.
Mikalah Gordon is in Kris’s hometown of Conway, Arkansas. Big crowd of kids & teens & stuff. Carly Smithson is in San Diego, wearing Tiffany’s hair circa 1988. Big crowd of kids & tweens & drag queens. Just kidding. About the kids.
THIS JUST IN! We will have a special guest star with us tonight, and it’s not any of the voices in my head! A real live person! Well, I mean, I’ve never met her, and I really only know she exists in blogland, but that’s real enough for me, peeps. The inimitable Tracey! Tonight, this blog is WIN.
Oh. Dangit! The top twelve are out singing that “So What” song. This earworm has been in my head all day because it was on DWTS last night. I’ve never actually heard the song outside of cover versions on DWTS and Idol. And I just had a most SarahK moment. Ok, so I thought it was called “Rockstar” for obvious reasons and was out googling. It came up with the results that it could possibly be by Hannah Montana or Nickelback. Since I have no frame of reference… well. I asked Frank, “Is that Hannah Montana or Nickelback?” Which he thought was just the funniest thing in the history of time. Yes, yes, I live under a rock and am very uncool, unlike my husband, who’s currently wearing Aquaman boxers. Anyway, he tweeted it so as to properly humiliate me. Where are the voices in my head? SPIKE: Sorry, love. It’s Pink, actually. ALICE: Kind of a cross between Hannah Montana and Nickelback, if you ask me. TRACEY: Um, Allison, that’s your fancy place you’re showing off. SARAHK: Have a care with it!
Anyway, the kids are all in white and definitely not lipsynching, because Jasmine had a very bad note. Megan’s about half a step behind on all her dance steps. At the end, Troy Dungan applauds from his seat at the judges’ table while Kahra looks on in bittersweetness, since she knows they’ll never pick her up for another season.
Indulgent Idol finale dinner: Baked potato drenched in coconut milk, salt, and pepper with a side of cherry peppers.
Super-freaky Coke commercial. Sleestaks at Subway!
David Cook is out to sing “Permanent,” a song I really like. TRACEY: Why is he dressed like he’s in a barbershop quartet? ALICE: Maybe he just really likes vests. SPIKE: Yeah, the gays are into them. DC says he doesn’t think America can get this wrong. SARAHK: Unless it goes for ADAM! I’m kidding, I love them both.
Idol Awards!
Outstanding Male: Will Kunic (sp? Too lazy to rewind). Michael Gurr. Elijah Scarlett. TRACEY: It’s the Pippa guy! The guy from last year who sang let my pippa go! SARAHK: Maybe they’re twins! Dean Anthony Bradford. He’s the guy whose coat looks like a couch. Norman Gentle next. “Boom! Boom! Boom! Karate Kid!” WINNER: NICK MITCHELL/NORMAN GENTLE! Yay! I love this guy.
“Look what I’m wearing! They told me I was just coming to watch Adam and Kris! I wish I’d prepared something! Hit it!” And he strips down to his Norman Gentle clothes and sings. “I want that perch! It’s power!” “Lady in the purple shirt!”
Next up. Little Rounds and Queen Latifah. TRACEY: Uhm, i do not like Lil rounds. Just sayin’. SARAHK: I kinda root for her soul since it was crushed by the judges week after week. SPIKE: I have a soul. ALICE: Yes, me too! SPIKE: Yes, yes, you sparkle, we get it. Whoopie for you. TRACEY: I have to say it: Queen Latifah is wearing a onesie.
Anoop, this year’s ABCD, is singing with Alexis Grace. “I’m Yours.” And AAAAHHHHH! JASON MRAZ! I’m cheering here on the couch. And screaming at Tracey in chat. Poor girl. TRACEY: YOUR BOYFRIEND! SARAHK: I KNOW! TRACEY: Annog needs to go. He bugs. I want to pluck his eyebrows.
They’re playing clips of Kris and showing us why we should love him the best. Already there, Idol. Already there. TRACEY: Kris is pretty darn cute, you know. SARAHK: Yes, I do know. TRACEY: You know what it is about Kara, for me, dawg? She has aggressive lips. She moves them with rage or something. SARAHK: Yes! The emoting is even more aggressive because of the lips. You’re right. Kris plus Keith Urban is teh YUM. TRACEY: Too much hotness, we must be silent.
That was fantastic. TRACEY: That was pretty hot. Hothothot. I’m a little twitterpated. Keith Urban’s hip swivel is revelation. I wanted them both to kiss me. SPIKE: Naughty girl. Are you single? SARAHK: Spike!
I can’t wait for Land of the Lost! TRACEY: I heart Will Ferrell. SARAHK: I heart Sleestaks!
Our husbands are talking to us. We’re pretending to listen.
Now the top girls are singing “Glamorous.” I’ve consulted Tracey, who says this is Fergie. Fergie walks out, and Tracey gloats. TRACEY: That pretty blonde girl [Megan] ruins it with that huge arm tattoo — she looks like a burn victim. Fergie looks wasted. Mazeltov, Fergie… So now they’ve had a meltdown moment. SARAHK: Fergie must have cussed or something. TRACEY: Naughty minx. SARAHK: Trollop! TRACEY: Her, not you. SARAHK: I take it back. TRACEY: Fergie is a trollop, I’m an angel. Check out those poor saps in those maze onesies. SARAHK: What’s with the onesies tonight? TRACEY: I need to go put mine on at the next commercial, I guess. [Pictures to follow.]
TRACEY: What’s with all the girls wearing the poof at the front of their head? Like a little hair haystack? I hate it so much. It’s totally gay.
Some award. Bikini Girl. Alexis Cohn (sp?) Some other girl. SARAHK: What’s this award? TRACEY: I don’t know. Most douchey. That girl totally had her boobs done. RYAN: I was gonna ask you what’s new, but I think I know. SPIKE: She got new shoes, just like Kellie Pickler. Bikini girl wins, starts to sing the song she sang for her audition. Kahra joins her onstage! Kahra pwns her by totally outsinging her. Bikini Girl tries to keep up, after the initial shock wears off. Then Kahra, at the end of the song, strips down to a bikini. For charity. Well played, harlot! I almost like her now. If she sang instead of talking I would have loved her this season. Great bod, too. I hate her even more now.
Allison out to sing “Hime After Hime” with Cyndi Lauper. SPIKE: Sounds dirty. Oh, I love Cyndi. She looks awesome. SPIKE: I can see her penis. TRACEY: Cyndi’s legs are bothering me. Put them together for Mama.
Ryan interviewing Kris’s parents. Ask why they spelled his name with a K! TRACEY: Kris’s mom. Uhm, the strap on your gown. When your boobs are so low that the strap to them is three feet long, it’s a problem.
DANNY sings “Hello.” DC did this last year. TRACEY: He is SO Robert Downey Jr. on a binge. LIONEL RITCHIE out to sing a medley with Danny. TRACEY: Allison, who came in 4th, gets Cyndi Lauper and “Time After Time” and Danny gets some “Just Chill” song with Lionel Ritchie? SARAHK: It’d be funny if they’d sing “Just chillax” instead.
ACK! My interwebz went down!
Adam is out now, and I do mean OUT. He’s wearing like these cagey angel wings? I’m bemused a bit, unless this is just his STATEMENT. Like, DUH, tweeners, you can stop fantasizing about me, I’m just not that into your sex. BTW, performing with KISS. He should front a band like KISS.
Carlos Santana is here to perform with Matt Giraud. “Black Magic Woman.” Tracey and I agree that we only like him when he’s paired with Rob Thomas. Tracey thinks Matt should lose the hat, and I disagree, because really, the forehead wart is too distracting. I find myself wanting to pop it. Yes, I’m going to hell. Yes, I know. And it changes to “Smooth,” and suddenly all the top guys are there. Kris is there, and I suddenly want to have babies with his voice. Oh wait, it’s the whole top 12. For the record, I still love Danny. TRACEY: I can’t DEAL watching blind guy trying to dance. I am in pain watching him act as if he has the slightest idea where he is.
Crappy Ford video, last one of the season. And then DC gives Kris and Adam their new Fords.
Megan Joy, Michael Sarver, and Steve Martin (ON THE BAMJO!). They’re singing an old timey song. Megan is offkey again with her burn unit scar. Steve says he knows it’s a long shot, but he hopes he wins. Haha.
So now the top guys are out singing “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” and no, Anoop, Tracey and I don’t. Sorry, off you go. Rod Stewart (!!!) rises out of the staircase wearing a couch. TRACEY: He wears it well, though, somehow. TRACEY/SARAHK: Yamahama. He sings “Maggie.”
Last golden Idol of the evening. Outstanding Female! This is where we’ll see Tatiana, and I hope she’s wearing a highwaisted dress, or I won’t recognize her. Chelsea something. Another girl whose name I forgot to get. Dana Moreno. Tatiana Nicole Del Toro. Ryan announces she’s the winner, tells her to stay in her seat because he’s out of time. She busts by security and runs onstage, grabs the Idol. Says that Simon wants to hear her sing “Saving All My Love” for the fourth time. Security chases her back and forth as she sings. Good bit. Hahahaha.
Kris and Adam are dueting on “We Are the Champions.” TRACEY: You know Adam will totally outsing him here. SARAHK: Yeah. But it’s not like they’ve geared the whole season toward Adam winning or anything. Ahhhhhh! Queen! Say, maybe Adam should front that band. Badum-ching! Tucker Carlson or George Will, I can’t tell which, cheers at the judges’ table. SARAHK: A choir. I knew there would be a choir. TRACEY: No, those are hand wavers. There are people on the stage whose sole job it is to wave their hands!
Simon thinks both are great, both should be very proud of last night.
Over 100 million votes.
The winner of American Idol 2009: KRIS ALLEN!
Everyone’s in major shock, there are fireworks, I’m so thrilled! I’ve lost Tracey, PEEPS. I’ve lost Tracey! ALICE: The voices in your head are still here, yo.
Tired of being overshadowed by the Mirror Ball Trophy of DWTS, they now have an Idol trophy. It’s a microphone. Kris doesn’t even know what to say, because he’s in shock. Adam is either doing a great job of acting like he’s happy for Kris, or he realizes that he’s the real winner, because now Kris has to sing “No Boundaries.”
Kris and his wife are hugging. It’s a happy day.
And I guess that’s it for this season. I hope I’ve made you laugh at least once. Come back around Snark Raving Mad! in the off-season. I’m gonna try to actually post non-Idol content. Yay for me for you, sweeties with big vocabularies. I’m sorry, what? Anyway, a big thanks to the voices in my head. SPIKE: It’s been a lot of fun, pet. SARAHK: For me too, my Platinum Prince. ALICE: I soothsayed pretty well this year, so we get to go shopping now, right? SARAHK: Yes, girlfriend. JASPER: Relax. SARAHK: Ok.
UPDATE: Tracey has returned from her internet meltdown. She’s so excited, just like me.
Goodnight!
Oh, oh, oh. Y’all, I can’t say how exciting excited I am. I can try, though. Two more eps of Idol and my little snarking fingers get a rest.
Not that I’m not ultra-stoked about American Idol this week. Ryan says it’s down to the guy next door versus the guyliner. That’s cute. Oh, Pauler. You had a choice of three dresses tonight (so she tweeted–YES! I’m following her on Twitter, because I’m a loser and because her crazy is my crack!), and you went with the lime sherbet. I hope that means you’ve got Crazy Juice in your Coke cup!
Great. Ryan says they’ll run long tomorrow night, so we should set our DVRs accordingly.
01 Adam will first sing “Mad World.” And, um, Jackson Rathbone says to vote for Adam tonight. I’m so gonna hate to disappoint him. Unless Kris (a boy) sucks, in which case I’ll vote Adam. Adam comes out in the smoke, and he’s wearing a duster, so backlit it looks like a dress. This is probably his happiest Idol moment. He’s great on the song (until, surprisingly, the last note, which is pitchydawg until it straightens itself out). Maybe a little glam for the song? Well done. RANDY: Yo man. A’ight, so check it out. This is IT. We’re down to the wire, it’s Kahra’s next-to-last show, I love the performance, I love the fog. A+ on that one, dude. A for Adam. KAHRA: I’m so happy you chose that performance. Wow, can I talk. If there were an Olympic event called Marathon Talking, I would win gold. I love gold so much. Can I emote about gold for a while? I’m not even half done here, peeps. Go read the entire works of Shakespeare and then come back, and maybe I’ll still be talking. SARAHK: Seriously, I can’t even listen to her. POH-LAR: Adam, bask in your moment. This is still haunting. The theatrical taste of what we’re going to see. Good job. SIMON: I always thought this was your best performance throughout the show. For some reason, maybe it was the coat, it was a little bit over-theatrical. It just reminded me a little of Phantom of the Opera. RANDY: No, Twilight! ALICE: Yeah, Twilight! Very broody.
02 Kris, a boy regardless of the way he and Kris Kristofferson spell their name, used to charge his parents to sing for them. It’s either very cute or very douchebaggy. Kris is gonna do “Ain’t No Sunshine,” and he’s at the piano. When he did this one before, it was one of his best, IIRC. I really kinda like him at the piano, because when he’s there they mostly film him in profile, so we don’t get the weird twisty faces. Eeeeeee! This was brill. His wifey agrees. Simon looks afraid. Potential for the chosen one to lose! RANDY: Check it out. It’s been said about great basketball teams. This is the funny thing about you. I can tell exactly what kind of artist you’re gonna be. I haven’t seen the rest of the night, but dude, you saved the best for last! One of your best performances ever on this stage! SARAHK: Yes. KAHRA: If you can’t emote about a Kris Allen performance, there’s something wrong with me. SARAHK: There’s something so very wrong with you. PAULER: Kris, you awaken the spirit of vodka in all of us. You trademark something or other and it’s the true marking of a great artist. SIMON: I’m gonna be honest with you. When your name was announced last week, I wasn’t sure America made the right choice. But after that performance, I take all of that back. RYAN: Simon, Round 1, who wins? SIMON: I’m gonna call that one for Kris. SARAHK: Yay! Me too!
Don’t forget to download them on iTunes. Last year, we couldn’t download anything after the finale. I don’t know if that’s what they’ll do this year.
01 Simon Fuller picked “Change is Gonna Come” for Adam. I have an icky feeling about this round–a sabotagey feeling. Adam loves his shiny suits, no? Oh. The hand gestures. I can’t take it. He’s so very diva right now. The singing is fantastic, but this is the first time I’ve ever considered closing my eyes during his performance. Whew. Gonna be hard for Kris to beat that one. RANDY: Yo, dude. That song is an amazing R&B classic by the great Sam Cook. What you did there was showed that the real reason you’re here, you can sing your face off. Unbelievable. KAHRA: Adam? Adam? SARAHK: She says his name twice, and already I’m tense and angry. It’s almost like she’s won. She’s made me street rat crazy. SPIKE: Don’t give up yet, pet. I believe in you. KAHRA: Blah blah blah, best ever singing in the history of histories, and I really mean it, and you know I mean it, because I say it so forcefully and with much pounding of the table. Is there anyone who doesn’t think I mean it? Ok, I’ll emote some more. SARAHK: Kill me, Spike. Kill me quickly. SPIKE: ‘Twould be a crime to damage an artist such as yourself. But since I can’t have you following– SARAHK: UNGH! Put down the sword! SPIKE: Sorry, love. PAULER: Adam, that was the best I’ve ever heard you sing, ever, ever, ever! Woo! [She stands up and lassos the air! Yay Crazy Paula! Where’ve you been hiding? I love you, girlfriend. You complete me.] PAULER: Whatever happens, I know with every fiber of my being, you are going to be iconic! SPIKE: Did she get the spray tan? SARAH: Yes. SIMON: Poh-lar’s sort of sitting on the fence after that one. All I can say, since Kahra took up all the judging time, is that put you back in the game tonight.
Lookie there. Tom let Katie out of the house tonight. It’s a special night, indeed.
My Sister’s Keeper looks like pretty much the dumbest movie ever. It’s gotta be based on a Nicholas Sparks novel. [I’ve been informed by my cousin Megs that it’s Jodi Picoult.]
02 Kris, a boy, was sabotaged with “What’s Goin’ On,” and I hereby proclaim Simon Fuller to be a toolshed. Full of all kinds of tools, that guy. Nevertheless, he comes out with the guitar, all Mrazzy, and makes me feel like I’m chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’, etc. I love it. RANDY: Check it out, baby. We’ve got ourselves a real live competition. It’s a good song choice, you sang it great, it’s just a little light for me. SARAHK: What? KAHRA: You’ve been true to yourself since day one. I like that Simon Fuller picked a socially conscious song for you. SARAHK: See? I tried to listen, and she lost me. If I cared about socially conscious messages on Idol, I would have voted for the Archtweener of Moralizing. Anyway, Kahra makes me want to cut myself. PAULER: I know what’s goin’ on. You tore that song up and made Marvin Gaye proud! SIMON: I love the song, but if I’m being honest with you, it was like three friends in their bedroom. You didn’t in my opinion grab hold of the song, make it your version, and I thought it was too laid back for a night like this. Sorry. RYAN: At the end of round two, who does it go to? SIMON: Oh. Million percent Adam. SARAHK: Well, there’s only so much you can do with an exec producer sabotage, Cowell.
01 The Sappy First Single(TM) was cowritten by Kahra. And… I’m near speechless, because either this song is written to be atonal and a giant mess, or Adam is so very pitchydawg. I mean, this is a disaster. My mouth, it hangs open. Maybe they should have done this song first. Yuck. Even the crowd is having a hard time loving that. RANDY: Yo. I said it before, I’ll say it again. Dude, you can sing anything, you can sing the phone book. But that was not one of my favorite Adam performances, it was just a’ight for me. To be honest with you. It was a little pitchy in spots for me. SARAHK: In spots?? SPIKE: In all the spots. SARAH: It was a giant mess. Absolute disaster. KAHRA: Adam, you made it sound like I can’t write music. SARAHK: And she actually can, she cowrote a song on Kelly Clarkson’s latest, and I don’t remember hating it. KAHRA: Adam, I think I speak on behalf of my cowriters, I’ll name them though no one cares. It’s great to hear someone of your level singing that song. I’m moved and I’m proud, and I thank you for giving me that moment here at the end. SPIKE: Of my Idol career. SARAHK: Notice she didn’t say it was good. PAULER: Very proud. Very proud of you. Adam. Adjectives cannot express what you’ve brought to this show, to season eight. SARAHK: Maybe you should try nouns? PAULER: I’m in awe. You can sing whatever you wanna sing, and I’ll be a fan forever, front in line. SIMON: It’s the mountains and the hurricanes. I’m not gonna judge that song, I’m gonna judge you. You’ve been one of the most original contestants we’ve ever had on the show. The whole idea of doing a show like this is that you can find a worldwide star. I genuinely believe that we have found that with you. Congratulations. SARAHK: Also? Not a good finish.
If Glee isn’t awesome, I’m gonna be mad at all the time they spent pimping it on Idol.
02 I have to watch Kris’s mountains-and-hurricans song with my eyes closed. Oh no. He forgot the words in the first chorus. Oh wow–it wasn’t Adam, it’s a giant mess of a song. Kris is doing the best he can with “No Boundaries.” He doesn’t sound nearly as pitchy, and it’s just good they both had to sing that. Blerg. But he was better on it. RANDY: You should be very proud of what you did in this competition. You’re an amazing competitor. I actually think that song kinda fit your voice kinda better for me than even Adam. KAHRA: I don’t want you to be judged on that song, it was a little high for you. Also, I’m embarrassed that I cowrote it, because yikes, right? You’re compelling, you’ve come into your own. I hope people will judge you on the season. I emotively hope so. SARAHK: I emotively hope that was the last judgment you’ll make on Idol. But I will give you this: there’s no way I would have liked you, you were doomed for me from the beginning, and that’s unfair of me. Even if you hadn’t been so dreadful and painfully emotive, I wouldn’t have liked you. So part of it isn’t your fault. Like 1% of it isn’t your fault. PAULER: I think you should take it in. You’ve done an amazing job. This has been one of the most compelling finales and final showdowns. I wish you the best of luck. You deserve where you are in that spotlight. SIMON: Kris, again, I think your highlight tonight was the first song you sang. Really. But I think watching you tonight on this stage has been incredible. Because I can remember your first audition where you came in, no confidence, weren’t sure how good you were. Your mum & dad’s face tells me everything. They’re very very proud of you, as they should be. And you have thoroughly deserved to be standing on this stage tonight. KRIS: Thank you Simon. SARAH: I love this. I love how Kris has personally thanked every judge after their critiques, in a deep Elvisy way. It’s cracking me up.
Oh, what a nice surprise! My Carrie’s out to sing “Home Sweet Home.” Highlight reel and all that.
Just to be clear. I will buy both their albums. Kris is more my kind of music, and I think he’s gotten better every week. Adam’s been the same for the last several weeks, and I dig him just a little less. But tonight… I’m all for Kris. Maybe it’s the underdog thing, maybe it’s because I love his voice and the acoustic thing… Whatevs.
I actually think Kris won it tonight. Being honest. Two out of three rounds go to Kris. I’m fine with the results either way, but I’m voting one way.
Kris (voted for him like a million times)
Adam (didn’t vote, because we’re down to two, and I have to pick one).
Alice? ALICE: No one will buy the first single. No matter who wins. SARAHK: And I predict that… Um… Hard one. Adam is expected to win, but Danny voters could go Kris’s way… Only a million separated them last week… Um… Adam is the next American Idol.
Frank isn’t letting me pause during the show, so I’m just throwing out thoughts. Can’t do a decent snark.
6:00 a.m.
*The First Subplot Daughter is giving testimony in some matter or another. Who cares? Not me. Bring on the cougars.
*The Prez is in a meeting explaining that there are two hours left, so we can’t have possibly wrapped everything up.
*Kim is the only person on the planet who could be captured without knowing it. Ok, maybe Bella Swan wouldn’t know.
*Jack’s got a gun on Renee yet again. “You’re not gonna kill anyone!” “Remember when I shot you in the neck?” “I repeat, you’re not gonna kill anyone, even though you’ve killed like 22 people today.” “And I’ll kill you next, since Kim wouldn’t be in her cougar sitch if you hadn’t been all butty-inny.”
*I’m kinda liking Tony now. He’s putting Kim in danger. Whatever you do, Tony, make sure she dies!
*Wow, that’s fast. DVD’s out tomorrow. Oh yeah. They filmed it forever ago.
6:16 a.m.
*There’s Aaron, my 2nd favorite character. If he or Chloe is killed, that’s when I stop watching. But I’m all for the torturous, bloody deaths of Kim and Janice.
*I’m sorry, Renee. Perhaps you are unaware that no one will ever like you, ever, if you help Kim to not get killed.
*Yes, let’s show evil people pictures of our children, Kim. They won’t ever use that against you. Make sure you include home address.
*”Dammit!” Like father like daughter.
*Ok, she’s dumber than Bella. Run after the danger, Kim! Do it for your daughter! Chase danger! U R smirt!
*”You’re in violation of at least 10 federal laws.” “So’s your face!”
*I’ll bet Ethan has a second data card. And once again, I find myself not caring about this subplot.
*Oh, there’s Aaron. Once again, I find myself caring about this subplot.
*Tony wants a bigger role in The Organization. I see a twist coming. Tony’s good again. But whatevs, I’m done with him. Kill him.
*Ouch. That’s what you get for torturing people, Jack! It comes back around to you!
Haha, FINALLY a car commercial making fun of hybrids. Thank you, VW, I may buy one of your cars just for that.
6:44 a.m.
*Kim, whatever you do, don’t stop, drop, & roll! Run around & flail! Do it!
*I bet Ethan bites the dust in this scene.
*You never go up against a Jack Bauer when death is on the line. Duh.
7:00 a.m.
*So Tony’s not good?
*Aaron! I’m once again interested in the subplot! I heart him.
*So Tony’s semi-good. Ish. Maybe. I don’t know. They should have kept him dead. Whatevs.
*Chloe, you’re not allowed to compliment Janice. It ruins your street cred. Also your SarahK love diminishes.
*Jack has a visitor. Oh, let it be Kim!
*It’s good news, Olivia. I’m going to use my judges’ save. Ohhhhh. But she hugged her. So she’s not gonna save Olivia. Yay!
*Poor president. All her subplots turned against her.
*Well, it wasn’t a silent countdown, so I guess he didn’t die.
*On the other hand, it sounds like Kim will be back next season, so there will be a silent countdown for your SarahK.
I’m not interesting, so you shouldn’t follow me. Oh, and I only just joined, so it will take me a while to figure it out. Twitter’s hard.
Tonight’s American Idol opens with an ad for the new Ben Stiller/Hank Azaria movie.
Over 88 million votes came in. Ryan says to think again if you think you know how this is gonna roll out. Oh, Ryan, don’t you tease me. A Danny/Kris finale? No way, dude. Only a million votes separate 1st and 2nd place. Dun dun dunnnn.
The crappy Ford video starts with barking German Shepherds, and since they’re big and barking, we’re supposed to think they’re aggressive. The boys pee their pants and run away to “Break My Stride.”
Alicia Keys is here to explain more about why Carrie Underwood went to Angola. I love how Ryan keeps calling it Angola, Africa. Do you ever hear people say China, Asia? Or Brazil, South America? United Kingdom, Europe? You get my drift. Anyway, a kid from Rwanda is here to sing for us. He learned this song in a week. And he’s adorable and I want to adopt him. I’m telling you, I cannot resist black children. Seriously, when we moved from Florida, I took three kids from our church and packed them in the moving truck. Unfortunately, they escaped somewhere around Kansas*. This kid is so cute! He’s so adorable with all his jumping around. He owns the stage. I love him.
Scott and Anoop are in the audience.
Danny went home to Milwaukee this week. He reunited with Jamar. They held each other close (his words) and just caught up on everything. Wow, that is a long hug. Jamar is still wearing the neon green tie. He totally should have made the top 32. Muse is playing. The mayor of Milwaukee is very proud of Danny.
Kris, a boy regardless of the spelling of his name, went home to Arkansas. His favorite restaurant is Stobey’s (?sp?) and he ate there and now gets free cheese dip for life. Good for him. Kris jumped into the crowd, and his security guard peed his pants. Awwwww. His dad’s hugging him and crying and big with the love. Sniff. Kris apparently wore one of Simon’s white t-shirts for his trip home.
Jordin Sparks is performing “Battlefield.” I’m surprised with myself–I dig this. Will have to download it. But LOL at the face she makes at the end.
All the little girls in the audience are screaming for Adam. Anoop included. Zing! He went home, all the way to San Diego. That giant truck limo looks like what Frank and I left our wedding in, no kidding. And a topless (? she’s wearing a bra, but Adam had called her topless) girl rushed onstage. It sounds like when Adam sang the national anthem at his high school, he perhaps didn’t trick it up–I hate it when singers trick it up and make it about themselves, hate it hate it hate it. So good for him, if he did it straight.
Katy Perry is up next. Danny just wants for there to be no more commercials, he wants to know the results. Adam screams that he wants to see Katy Perry. Apparently the fan club goes both ways, because she comes out wearing a cape that says Adam Lambert on it. She sings “Waking Up in Vegas,” and I don’t hate it.
KRIS, A BOY, IS IN THE FINALE! Did I tell y’all? ALICE: Actually, *I* told them. SIMON’s eyes bug out, as do Pauler’s. They are shocked.
Adam is also in the finale. Deservedly, of course.
As I said last night, I think Kris actually has a chance against Adam in the finale. He just has to come out and kill it. Come on, Kris. I am totally pulling for you. Nothing against Adam, but Kris has grown so much, gotten better every week… He has a shot.
Well done, Danny. I’ll buy your album. Just promise me no FAIL shrieks. Kthx.
*I didn’t really kidnap any children. Chillax, don’t call the FBI tip line.
It’s the 300th episode of… American Idol. I know, you thought I was gonna say America’s Next Top Model, what with Adam doing his little turn on the catwalk, but you’re wrong.
Two songs each tonight: The Judges’ Sabotage and the singer’s choice.
01 Pauler decided to sabotage Danny with fervor by picking a Terence Trent D’Arby song. No lie, srsly. “Dance Little Sister.” He’s doing as well as we can expect from a song by this artist. Actually, better. I’m liking his voice, energy, look. The dancing was silly. Luv ya, Danns. RANDY: Let the games begin, right? Way to jump it off. Dude, that was dope for me. KAHRA: I like that you picked that, because it keeps him in his money spot. The dancing was too gyrating for me. Let me emote for a while. PAULER: I’m a choreographer, and I think you did… REALLY GOOD! SPIKE: SUCK IT, KAHRA! PAULER: And what’s great is you let that magic part of your voice carry through the rest of the song, and I thought you did a fantastic job. SIMON: Just to remind the girls, it’s a singing show, not that funny little dancing show, whatever it is, next door. I agree with Kahra, the dancing was desperate. The singing was very good. What I didn’t like was the toy saxophone solo in the middle of the song. And Pauler was on the right track with Terence Trent D’Arby, but I would have picked a different song. SIMON is trying to smother Pauler. RYAN: Paula has just punched Simon in the left breast. SARAHK: He will be massaging it during the next segment. And that was crappy of them to play while they’re giving out Danny’s number.
02 Haha. Kahra and Randy are coupled, don’t get their own picks. They decided Kahra can’t be trusted alone, and Simon and Paula don’t like her. Dude, Kris (a boy) has my phone. I hate that phone. Randy and Kahra have chosen “Apologize” by One Republic for Kris. Kahra says they picked it because everyone knows it. Well, I don’t off the top of my head. Oh, now that he’s singing, yes, I have heard it. Kris is at the piano. I didn’t know he played. Has he done this before this season and it was just during his forgettable period? Anyway. He’s having a little trouble with the high falsetto notes but other than that he’s really good. Well done. RANDY: We’re down to the top three. You can have a song like that and it’ll sell millions of records. This is who you are. KAHRA: I think it was a really competent performance, but at this stage, you’ve gotta be swinging it out of the park. She goes on and on about how she didn’t like the song or something. SARAHK: Definitely more competent than Kahra’s judging. PAULER: I’m used to you taking artistic license. There was a loud, bum note. But I’m so proud of you. Good job. SIMON: How can you say there’s a bum note, I’m so proud of you. Kahra, it’s a copout what you said. You cahn’t choose a song for him and then blame him for doing the song. KAHRA: Have you ever interpreted a song? I don’t think so. SARAHK: Shut up, harlot. Just shut up. Forever. SIMON: What you should have done, what I did, if you want him to play on the guitar, you should play on the guitar. You [Kahra and Randy] didn’t hold up your end of the bargain. SIMON has spent his entire judging time dissing Kahra and Randy. RANDY: I didn’t know we could arrange the songs! SIMON: You didn’t ahhsk. SARAHK: Simon, will you marry me? SPIKE: Me too? Wait. I mean, thanks. Just thanks. No marriage.
03 Adam got a text from Simon Cowell. He’s to sing “One” by U2. Gooooood choice. He had to get permission from the band, because they personally have to clear each song. SIMON: I personally got a call from Bono on Saturday saying they would be honored to have him sing the song. SARAHK: Namedropper! SPIKE: Randy! ADAM is taking this low-key. Ok, in the beginning only. Hmm. I’m surprised. I’m not liking it. He’s screechy and holy crap, PITCHYDAWG? Dude. I did not see that coming. RANDY: Yo. You are definitely still in the zone. Unbelievable vocals. A little for me going off the melody, I’m not sure I liked that so much. SIMON: Booooo. SARAHK: hahahaha. KAHRA: You’re an amazing strategist. Blaaaaaaahblaaaaaaahblaaaaaah. Unbelievable. Emote. Emote. Emote. PAULER: I’m so miserable. Sitting next to him gloating. ADAM: Just punch him again. PAULER: It was One brilliant song. One superb performance. And One American Idol that I’m staring at right now. SIMON: That was a brilliant song choice. But you find a great artist, a great song, you worked out what you wanted to do with it. And I have to say if you’re not in the final next week, it will be one of the biggest upsets. SARAHK: Pushing one contestant much?
I cannot WAIT for Land of the Lost. June 5th, baby. Seeing it. If for no other reason than: SLEESTAKS!
I’m confused, because Ryan’s giving an update on Idol Gives Back, which they didn’t do. $140MM has been raised through Idol Gives Back. Exxon/Mobil took Carrie Underwood to Angola this year. In case y’all don’t know, I totally have a girlcrush on Carrie. SPIKE: We knew, love.
01 Danny is singing “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker. I wouldn’t have chosen this song for him. I’ve gotta say, I rolled my eyes HARD when they announced the song. Not by the end, because it was lovely. Too airy at first, but by the end, I was bobbing and nodding and swooning. RANDY: You can really really really sing! Mad vocals, dude. KAHRA: Everything you didn’t do in the first performance for me, you just did. How emotionally can I say the word “stunning”? I’ll try it a few different ways. PAULER: You nailed it. It was a beautiful, beautiful performance! SIMON: I love the song, wouldn’t have done the arrangement. Having said that, it is a singing competition. I would call that a vocal master class. SARAHK: Yes. Thank you. Relieved sigh. Danny, stop talking. Just stop. Let me bask. Kthx.
02 Kris (still a boy) is singing “Heartless” by Kanye West. Okay then. I pay no attention to Kanye West, so I don’t know what this should sound like. But, um, I’m loving this. Other than the fact that he apparently inherited Allison’s enunciation issues (I’m so racist! Against white people!). But then he sings “me” pronounced “may,” and I’m totally won over, because that’s totally a JT thing, and I heart it so GOOD. This is… well, it’s the best of the night so far for me. RANDY: I like that version better than the Fray’s version, better than Kanye’s version. KAHRA: Why didn’t you do that with “Apologize”? EMOTION! I HAZ IT! FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME! SARAHK: Shut up, Kahra. Just shut up. Forever. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just shut your face. PAULER: You’re the bravest artist, because you sang a song that’s about Simon Cowell. And I commend you. Bravo. SIMON: After what I thought was quite a lame song choice (the first song), I had literally written you out of this competition. That, however, has all changed after that song. SARAHK: Agreed. Dang.
03 Adam’s gonna do Aerosmith’s “Cryin’.” Wow. Before the first chorus, he’s pitchydawg again! It’s a whole different Adam tonight. I’m shocked but after this, I have to put him in 3rd place! Of course by the end of the song, I’m in awe. So I’m totally torn. I don’t know. Still screechy. I scratch my head. Did I say wow? RANDY: You’re one of the best that we’ve ever had on this stage. I love this even more than “One” for you. KAHRA: How do you hit those notes and still talk the next day? Oh, I could have ended it there, but I’ll go on. We’ll see you at the finals. PAULER: If Steven Tyler was a mentor, he wouldn’t have anything to say. We’ll be seeing you next week and many years after that. SIMON: I’m not gonna suck up as much as the other three. It’s very easy to assume that you’re going to sail through to the final. I don’t want everyone to assume you’ll be there but to vote for you based on talent. ADAM: I think Kris and Danny did really well tonight. We’ll see what happens. SARAHK: I think Kris was better than you overall, for sure. Let’s watch the recap.
Here’s my order:
Kris
Danny, who was not pitchydawg
Adam, who was pitchydawg on both songs. But it’s really close. Three ways close.
Alice? ALICE: Yeah, so… I see Adam in the finals. The judges have pre-ordained it. And you’ll be shocked to know that Kris is in the finals as well. Danny goes home but gets a record deal and charms the socks off SarahK for years to come. They all get record deals, actually.
SARAHK: I think Kris is the only one of Danny and Kris who has a chance to beat Adam. And I think he was the best tonight.
So I got spoiled on tonight’s results. I can’t even be upset that Facebook spoiled me, because I’m quite happy with the dismissal. It’s all dark in the studio, and this is American Idol.
Oh yes, baby. Pauler’s gonna perform tonight. Be still my drug habit. I know, it’s not supposed to be funny anymore, but she’s supposedly sober now, so I’m deciding that means we can all look back and forward on it and continue to laugh and point. Thank you.
I didn’t pay attention to the cruppy Ford video. The group medley is “School’s Out,” with Slash on guitar. Oh, blergity yarf yarf. Adam and Allison are trying to harmonize again, and it’s an even bigger fail than their attempt last night. Yes, my word of the week is Fail. I like that Danny’s giving it his all even though he had the sad fail last night. Every time peeps asked my opinion today, I got all sad and mopey.
Slash is just a coolio cattio. Totally rox my sox.
Kris, a boy, says he didn’t think he would make it to the top four. Simon says we don’t want humble anymore. Adam says he really liked his outfit last night. Moving on. Danny says his own aunt muted the TV last night on the fail scream, and he says he laughed all night after watching it back and that it’s his funniest Idol moment ever. Simon applauds. Good.
Poh-lar’s on stage to sing “I’m Just Here for the Music.” She has a very springy mic stand. This is lipsynchtacular. And wow with the boobie smooshing and shaking. I really do feel like I’m watching a Neckid Britney concert, only Pauler has a better body. The ending is corndog to the max. One of my favorite freaky Pauler moments ever. Kicked the habit my big fat pinkytoe, y’all. My BFP.
Ryan asks Poh-lar why now. Because she’s like eighty and won’t be able to dance like that for much longer.
No Doubt is out to do “Just a Girl.” There are few things in this world I’d kill for. Gwen Stefani’s body is one of them. I know I’m supposed to love all over this performance, but I’m so not. FRANK: She’s lipsynching. SARAHK: Really? You would pre-record that crap?
My apologies to Gwen, but ughughgughughugh. I think I would have liked Adam singing this better.
The top four are center stage. The first person who gets to sit on the fluffy couches: Kris! Yay! The whole entire world is shocked, because we were all certain he would go home. You know Danny had to be crapping himself right about now.
Daughtry performs. It’s good. They have a new album in July. We’ll buy it. Dude. Daughtry’s eponymous debut album has gone 5x platinum. Well done.
Adam is safe. Danny has peed a little puddle next to Ryan’s foot. Allison is praying that Danny’s scream was enough to kill him.
Allison’s out. Enunciation FTW!
Blerg, this is worse than last night. But Kahra’s heartfelt yessing is just killing me. I hate that woman more than I hate fennel.*
*Ok, I don’t actually hate her, but you know. I strongly dislike her and want her to go die.**
**Ok, I don’t actually want her to go die, but you know. I wish she’d never been born.***
***Ok, I don’t actually wish she’d never been born, but you know. I wish there wasn’t an Earth so she couldn’t live on it.
It’s Rock Night on American Idol. Y’all pray for me, yo. Oh, and they’re doing what I’ve wished they would do all along, pairing off for duets. Awesome.
Whoa. So they had an accident on set, and the contestants didn’t even get a proper run-through! Egad! What will this unprecedented situation beget?! Mayhem, I predict! Mayhem!
Ryan introduces the judges. The Staple (?) Randy Jackson. Kara Dioguardi. “A big week for Paula Abdul.” SPIKE: Because she finally admitted the drug problem? SARAHK: Now it won’t be funny to joke about. Thanks, Pauler. SPIKE: You’ll do it anyway, though, right? SARAHK: Well, yeah, but now it’ll just be like I’m picking on her.
:-( I didn’t know David Cook’s brother died Saturday. My condolences.
So Slash is the mentor this week, and instead of gathering them ’round the piano, Slash decided to take the kids to Roxy and put them onstage with a band at full volume.
01 Slash is impressed with Adam’s pipes and natural ability. He tells Adam to just not improvise so much in the upper registers. Adam says ok, because I’ll do anything Slash tells me. Adam is diva’d out good in a silver studded spiky jacket, spiky hair, *eye roll* skinny jeans. He totally kills the song (”Whole Lotta Love”). He’ll most likely be untouchable tonight. RANDY: This is the Adam that I love. Rock star tonight! I hope you consider when you make a record, you should do rock. You and Slash should make a record together! KAHRA: Let me vomit you the most emotive myriad words like EVAH. I think I am Janet Jackson tonight. SPIKE: She’s dressed a bit like Adam, actually. SARAHK: He pulls it off better. Ack, girly, put your ponytail where it belongs, stop making it your hood ornament. KAHRA: I’m still talking and will likely be talking for the remainder of eternity. PAULER: You sound great. Adam, how can you improve a Zeppelin song, but I say you’re perfect. SIMON: I thought the performance was a little understated. This could have been an absolute disaster taking on one of the best rock songs of all time. But it was actually one of my favorite performances you’ve ever done. The problem is nobody can top that now. SARAHK: ‘Strue, ’strue.
That Minute Maid commercial cracked me up. Well done.
02 Absolutely no surprise that Allison is doing Janis Joplin, right, Nightfly? But this makes me think she’s gonna drunken-slur it all. She went to Adam’s hair girl to get ready for rock week. Looks pretty rockish. Slash tells her she’s predisposed for the Joplin thing. Says she has a natural r’n'r swagger. His criticism is that she needs to get past the fear part, bring it. She’s doing “Cry Baby.” I actually thought this was great. She looks good, she sings well, and the slurring (ha! I wrote “slutting”) works with this song. RANDY: You can sing your face off, you can sing anything. I didn’t love this, it wasn’t that great for me. KAHRA: Janis is the right choice for you, bluesy rock. But… mmm. “Piece of My Heart”? I see your personality in your performances. I wanna give you that prop. PAULER: If they ever do a biopic on Janis Joplin, you’ve got the part. You did a great job. SIMON: I was just thinking tonight, the different in 8 weeks from where you were to where you are tonight is staggering. Great confidence. Trying too much to be like the original. So, compliment, too soundalike. No originality. I would have chosen a Queen song. ALLISON argues or something, and SIMON likes that, and I’m just ready for them to move it along. There’s a Bones on DVD I’d like to watch tonight.
Danny and Kris, a boy, are onstage together to sing “Renegade” by Styx. They’re not so fit for rock week, but I do love their harmonies. Kinda makes me think of The Eagles. RANDY: Yo, dude. I really liked the harmonies. KAHRA: Them singing “Renegade” does not compute for me, because these are the guys that are helping the little old ladies across the street. PAULER: Powerful, compelling. SIMON: Danny, you were better than Kris, how’s that?
SPIKE: Wait, they’re doing duets? SARAHK: Thanks for paying attention. Yes. Kris and Danny now, and I assume Adam and Allison at the end of the show. SPIKE: So the kings first, then the queens. Right.
03 Kris, a boy even though he and Kris Kristofferson spell their name like a girl, is singing “Come Together.” Was gonna do “Revolution,” changed his mind. Probably a good choice. Slash loaned Kris a guitar for rehearsal. Kris almost wanted to pee his pants. Slash tells him to be more animated, and if he picks up the live performance, that will help. You can tell Slash is more into Adam and Allison than the others. It’s natural given it’s Rock Week. This was good, not great, not even close to Adam… he’s more of a folksy rock guy. I really liked the second verse. I’m sad, because I don’t think it’s enough to beat Allison, and I think he’s gone. RANDY: You’re not really this kinda rock guy, but I appreciate you picking something where you can still be yourself. I loved what you were playing on the guitar. I enjoyed it, coming from someone who’s not really a rock rock guy. KAHRA: You’re definitely the softer side of rock. For me, this wasn’t a great performance. PAULER: It’s kind of risky to do a Beatles song. It’s what you do with the song and your imprint. You are an artist on this stage. You need a little more energy. SIMON: I actually didn’t like it that much. It was rather like eating ice for lunch. It will leave you with nothing to remember afterwards. It was quite boring, safe, a bit of a jam. I didn’t believe anything was gonna top Adam, and I was right. RYAN: You’re far too rich to have ice for lunch. SIMON: No, it’s made from mineral water. SPIKE: Ha! Well played, ya poncy git.
04 Danny is singing “Dream On.” Oh sigh. I wish he was doing Eminem’s cover, “Sing For the Moment.” But holy. In rehearsals, was that him? Crap, I didn’t know he could do that. Slash says it will come down to the moment. And I’m on like pins and needles here. The super-high part at the end, he’s not even going for falsetto, he’s going for the full-on Adam-screamy NOTE there, and I’m scared, and it has potential, and then… fail. Sigh. I don’t even have the heart to write it in all caps. In rehearsal he had it. I’m thinking he wore out his voice rehearsing it. But no, it wasn’t good. Dang. RANDY: Once again, I know this is not your genre. I’ll give you one thing, it wasn’t that great. I’ll give you an A+ for valiant effort. KAHRA: I think you took the swagger comment too far. I’m all about them words, unencumbered numbered words. Blaaaaahhhhhhdeblah. PAULER: I don’t know if this was the right song for you. But I give you an A++ for going for it. SIMON: I agree with everyone, but the last note, it was like a horror movie. It was like this scream. It was over the top. It works for Adam, it didn’t work for you. But I still think you’ll be safe. SARAHK: I hope so. I wish they’d done Rock Week earlier. I can’t handle the angsty suspense I’m gonna feel all day tomorrow.
Adam and Allison are doing “Slow Ride” together. I’m sure they’ve played it together on Guitar Hero like the rest of us. Adam sings “slow ride” while Allison sings “hlow ride.” Their harmonies aren’t nearly as good as Danny & Kris’s. Wow, Adam. Gayer pants have ne’er been worn. RANDY: You guys are our two seasoned rockstars in the house. You guys should duet on your albums. KAHRA: Rock god, rock goddess. This is when the duet is right. PAULER: You two are the perfect blend, perfect marriage. SPIKE: Perfect gay marriage. SIMON: In the battle of the duets, you win the show tonight. SARAHK: I disagree. I thought the harmonies on the other duet were so much better. SIMON: Allison has a chance to stay in the competition because of that.
For me:
Adam
Kris
Allison
Danny (I’m so sorry, Danny, my love, it’s just the end was kind of fail. Not epic fail, but fail.)
Alice? ALICE: Bottom two will be Kris and Allison, and Ryan will call it a huge shocker or something. Kris will go home.
UPDATE: Nightfly weighs in.
This is American Idol. I’m tired.
Simon says that he watched last night’s show back, and everyone was good. The competition is wide open right now.
Ryan says they’re gonna sing “I Don’t Mean a Thing”… Um. I think he means “It.” I see Allison is back to her non-enunciating ways. I can’t believe I’m gonna say this: the group medley kinda rocked.
The kids had two birthdays in one week, so they got in the kitchen together and made cakes. And decorated each other with a big food fight. Wow, Allison turns seventeen, and Danny suddenly can’t keep his hands off her. It’s mostly Danny and Allison. Yum, look at how awesome that kitchen is. Hahahaha. Danny started the food fight, so Ryan gives Danny a shiny envelope on stage. It’s a bill for $6,000 from the maid service. Danny says, “You mean American Idol doesn’t pay for this?” Ryan says maybe, if he wins.
Matt’s stage right.
Danny’s stage left.
Allison’s with Danny.
Kris, a boy, is with Danny.
Adam is supposed to choose a group, the one he thinks he belongs in. Adam says, “I love everybody.” Then he doesn’t cop out and sit in the middle of the stage. He actually says, “Based on last night? I think I belong over here.” He goes over to Danny and Allison. I LOVE this. He’s got very confident balls here, because he’s basically saying, “Danny was amaaaaaazing, and I know I am, so I must go in his group.” I’ve gotta love that. Ryan says, “This is not your bottom three.” Then he moves Adam over to stage right and says, “This is your bottom three.” Jaws are dropping all over the place. SPIKE: That’s what you get for not sitting in the middle of the stage like a fraidy cat. DANNY’s looking at Allison like, “Dude, I can’t believe you’re not in the bottom three and Adam is.” Adam’s face is very composed, and Danny has what Stephenie Meyer would call an “unfathomable expression.” Whatever the heck that means. [Steph, you complete me, so you know I don’t mean nothin’ by it.]
Pauler says that this is crazy. All five are awesome. She wishes there could be a five-way tie. Ryan says, “Simon, it looks like you made some bad calls last night based on this result.” Simon’s like, well, we turn it over to America, and not to take anything away from these two…
Hey. Kris should be safe with Danny, but Adam should be in the bottom three, y’all puh-leeeeeeease stop acting like he’s queen of the show. Ok, bad choice of words, but you know what I mean.
Randy says he was talking to Jamie Foxx before the show [Ryan calls him a namedropper]. Simon’s like, me too! Randy says they were all good last night.
RYAN: Kara, when I said Adam was in the bottom three, your jaw dropped.
KAHRA: Yeah, my mouth went open again. That’s what happens with Adam. [Opens mouth wide. Randy has a mild coughing paroxysm.]
SARAHK: Kahra, I see what you’re trying to do, and it won’t work. No one does crazy like Auntie Paula. You can’t compete.
Natalie Cole is out to sing “Something’s Gotta Give” off her new album. Wow, I never noticed before how much she looks like her dad. This is good, I’m kind of loving her. I perhaps need that album.
I’m kinda shocked to see Taylor Hicks back on Idol. That DB didn’t even thank Idol in the liner notes of his first CD. Which is why I’m not buying his second one. I’ve gotta say, in his after interview, he’s all with the Idol love… I’m impressed.
Kris is safe! Randy’s shaking his head and wowing. No, Randy, that’s the right move. Kris was better last night, even though he spells his name like a girl.
Jamie Foxx performs. I made it through most of it. He was a good mentor, though. He says that these five cats are so talented, and they all want to be artists, and blah blah.
Ryan says Kara and Randy were more on their game this week. Simon says one out of twelve isn’t bad.
Adam is safe. Matt is out. It’s the right decision. And what have we learned this week, kids? Never, ever sing “My Funny Valentine” on Idol.
Next week is Rock week. God save us. Oooh. Slash is here next week. Things are looking up.
Yay! We’re down to the top five! Which means no more overhyping the potential use of the judges’ save! Awwwww yeeeaaaaaaahhhh. Why am I aw yeahing? Because we all know they’ll now be overhyping the judges’ inability to save anyone.
They’re doing Rat Pack this week. Wowwwww. Their surprise mentor is Jamie Foxx. That’s pretty coolio. Say, Idol? Did Jennifer Hudson come from Idol? I’m just wondering, because it’s not like y’all mention it ever. Jamie says he’s gonna say exactly what’s on his mind. Georgia, last I heard. Ba-dum ching!
01 Kris, a boy even though he and Kris Kristofferson spell it like a girl, is singing “The Way You Look Tonight.” Jamie says that if AI doesn’t work out for Kris, he’ll do a record with him. He also says America’s gonna be blown away and not even know it. SPIKE: If they don’t know it, doesn’t that mean they’re kind of NOT blown away? SARAHK: “Hey, I’m blown away, or so they tell me.” Oh no, Kris. Don’t you start. Don’t you start with gettin’ all mattress-dancey with the camera. You leave that innocent camera alone–it’s still getting over Constantine. I’m thankful that he eventually moves on to making the tweens in the audience go heart-pitter-patty. This is brilliant, and once again, I hear a little Mraz in him, and that is always only a good thing. RANDY: Dude, I personally think this is your best performance to date. KARA: You set a high standard. Let me tell you how. With many words. And you’re a dark horse. PAULER: I’m wearing a velvet bow on my chest. A pretty gift wrapped up all nicely for Simon. But I’m remarkably lucid, because it’s still early. Also, you’ve transformed from boy next door to gentleman, near-impeccable performance, contemporary crooner. SIMON: It was good, I’m not quite as enthusiastic. I thought it was a little bit wet. You’re like taking a well-trained Spaniel for a walk. It’s gonna be safe, it’s gonna be quite nice. I don’t get the feeling from you tonight that you can win this competition. SARAHK: Whatevs, Captain Crankypants.
02 Allison is next, and I already can’t wait for it to be over, because I’m racist or something like that. But first I have to watch her interview on the Tool Stool. Oh, she’s finally seventeen! SPIKE: Thank goodness, the judges can stop talking about how very sixteen she is and how very not-sixteen her voice is. ALLISON is gonna sing “Someone to Watch Over Me.” Jamie says she’s too young to be in love, so she should think of how her family watches over her. SPIKE: Gag me with a shotgun…. Now this is… excellent. I can’t believe I’m saying it. She pronunciated the words! I knew you could do it, Allison! Good job! RANDY: Sixteen, seventeen. SARAHK: How old? RANDY: You look like Brittany Murphy. SARAHK: Ooh, she does. RANDY: Sing like Pink, but with more octaves. I don’t care what nobody tells you, that was da bomb, and you did it in your own rough kinda gruff kinda style and I loved it. SPIKE: I think he meant you, pet. SARAHK: Yes, yes. But I already said I liked it, so lay off, Randy. Lay. Off. KAHRA: Blahdeblah, blahdeblah. I ain’t worried about you anymore. Many emotional words! Many of them! PAULER: I’ve been waiting so long to hear how you would approach a ballad. It was tender. I’m proud. SIMON: Do you think you can win this competition at this stage? ALLISON: I think I can, I think all of us have that chance right now. SIMON: I ask the question because I don’t feel that belief in you still. I thought it was a great performance, and it’s great to hear you singing a song like that. Maybe you’ve just been overshadowed by some of the personalities. I have a horrible feeling you may be in trouble. KAHRA: I love you, Simon, but you are cuh-razy. SPIKE: As are the producers who hired you. SARAHK: Hi-five! RANDY: Whatever it does for you, you were so teh awesome vocally, and that’s what you can take with you. SARAHK: I think he’s saying Simon might be right.
03 Matt is up next, and I think he’ll be well-suited for this style. And this is the one he’s most stoked for, so good for him. He’s singing “My Funny Valentine.” SPIKE: Isn’t that the song that the kids sing right before they go home? SARAHK: Yep. Never sing that on Idol. SPIKE: Only slightly less well-known is never get involved in a land war in Asia. JAMIE has no advice for him, and then he calls him back into the room later to tell him to change the key. I’m surprised to not see him at the piano tonight. That may be a misstep for him. Ok, I hate that line. “Is your figure less than Greek? Is your mouth a little weak?” SPIKE: Let me insult you while I pretend I’m not. SARAHK: Yes. Spike, is your heart without a beat? Is your body absent heat? Is that ripe smell of your feet… performance art? SPIKE: Hey! That hurts! SARAHK: I’m sorry, I was just goofin’ on the song… SPIKE: And anyway, I change my socks every day! I’m DEAD! Bound to smell a little funny now and then. Is that what you really think of me? SARAHK: No. I think you’re wicked cool. Also wicked hot. Wicked cool and hot. FRANK: Meghan McCain seems to think that everyone played it safe tonight. SARAHK: Meghan McCain can suck it. Anyway, I think this one sends him packing. It’s fine, nothing special. RANDY: Yo. For me, I don’t know if that song can be sung tonight. It was just a little bit pitchy. I have to give it like a six out of ten. KAHRA: You’ve really gotta be the leader of the pack to establish yourself tonight. I didn’t feel you were emotionally connected to it. PAHLER: I love what you did with the song, and I love the advice you took from Jamie by lowering the key. Pure, simple, really impressive. Excellent job. SIMON: I’m gonna have to disagree with Randy. I thought, for me, it was the only believable, authentic song I’ve heard tonight. I can tell you love the music. I heard some almost Nat King Cole-like phrasing there. Absolutely brilliant. SARAHK: What, he’s living in Opposite World tonight? He’s totally off. Spike, please stop with the pouting. You know I love you. SPIKE: So you say.
04 Danny is gonna sing “Come Rain or Come Shine.” Mmm, love this song. JAMIE: I was watching Danny so intently… it might have put him off a little bit. DANNY: We all have our comfort zones, and he was all up in mine. SPIKE: This whole scene with Danny and Jamie makes me a little uncomfortable. SARAHK: Me too. Get out of his grill, Jamie! Spaghetti arms! DANNY is dashing to the power of four in his suit tonight. SARAHK: Swoon! Swoon! Swoon! You know it’s a good sign if I just stop typing, put my hands behind my head, and relish the performance. Uhm, I have to go watch that again. SPIKE: You know, I sing good. SARAHK: Mmm, yes you do. You’ll always be my favorite. Awww. There’s that smile I love. Now gimme the remote, I need to see that again. DANNY is thanking the crowd. RANDY: Once again, I’m worried. It seems like it’s gonna be safe. You are the only one I’ve heard so far tonight that can actually have an album of songs like that and WIN. Forget all about this connection. This is a singing competition and you can sing! KAHRA: What I’ve been missing from you all season is that Rat Pack swagger. Tonight is the most creative you’ve ever been with the melody. You should do standards. PAULER: Stellar. You can see the finish line. You see it! SARAHK: That’s my Pauler. Drink up, Velvet Bow Mama. SIMON: What Kahra said is 100% right. What you had tonight was a swagger and a confidence. I felt tonight you came out to prove a point. Your vocals were the best I’ve heard in weeks. I don’t know if it’s because you’re so near the end. Arrangement, Ricky, was superb. I want to thank Jamie, because what he brought out in you tonight. It’s outstanding. SARAHK: Thank you for joining us back in Earthtown, Simon. Just in the nick of time. I know I say below that I voted for him 10 times, but I think it was more like a hundred.
05 Adam is singing “Feeling Good,” and I’m kinda disappointed in that. It’s so freaking overdone on this show. But I’m sure he’ll make it good. He’s coming down the staircase, which is lit up all hot pink. It’s too much, I’m too laughy, so I’ll move on. I hate the white suit. Hate it. Oh, and in the light, it’s some kind of rayon/satinish blend, and it scares me. SPIKE: She’s hiding behind my duster right now… This is definitely rockish… but if I’m being oh-nest, the arrangement sucks, and it’s kinda boring and safe until the very last two notes. I have to give this a meh and put him in third place? DUDE. RANDY: I sound like a broken record. A little theatrical, a little too Broadway for me. But you’re in the zone consistently. KAHRA: You shock me, and I can emote that HARD. PAULER: Words cannot describe. You make me feel better than good. Every performance, I’m watching the Olympics, and you’re Michael Phelps. SARAHK: Come on, Simon, bring it back down to reality. SIMON: Randy talking about you being theatrical is like complaining that a cow moos. We always have kids every year bleating on about how winning isn’t important, but winning is important. And what I get from you and from Adam [he means Danny] and some of the other competitors. All of them, actually. Three of them, actually. Is that you want to win. By the way, best entrance we’ve had all year, and Ryan, you’re never using that staircase again.
Danny (10*)
Kris (5*)
Adam (3*)
Allison (3*)
Matt
ALICE: I see… there won’t be a bottom three, only two. Bottom two… Allison and Matt. Matt’s future on the show has disappeared, which means that either he’s standing too close to the werewolf Kahra, or he’s going home.
More American Idol links at Sirlinksalot.
This is American Idol. And this is your resident racist, SarahK.
Ryan says Happy Earth Day, and approximately three people in the audience give a hearty crap about that. Gives me hope, you know? That America’s youth isn’t completely brainwashed. Either that, or being earth-aware is so last year.
Pauler choreographed the group number this week. Hopefully they brought in Britney Spears to choreograph the lipsynching so it won’t be so obvious.
Um, no, no Neckid Britney. The lipsynching is as bad as ever. I feel like I’m watching the world’s biggest mixed sex boy band. The dancing is fun. It’s actually really good. Wow, that is quite the hoo-hah dress Pauler’s wearing. I kind of love it.
Something to look forward to: The Archtweener is here. He’ll probably sing a song about how sad the planet is.
Crappy Ford video is “I’m Good, I’m Gone.” I nothing it.
Little has to go to the far side of the stage, just so Ryan can go over there with her and tell her she’s out. I feel relieved for her–the weekly beatdown had to be tiring. She was better tonight than last night.
Frida Payne is out to sing a disco medley. Thelma Houston joins her. Then KC of KC & the Sunshine Band. This is just a big disco beating.
Kris (a boy, even though he and Kris Kristofferson spell their names like girls) is safe.
Adam is safe.
Danny is safe.
Anoop is in the bottom three. And, well, we already know that Lil was.
Matt is safe.
Allison is in the bottom three. AMERICA IS RACIST!
Archtweener. Yeah, I lasted about half a minute.
Anoop is out. Allison is safe. Phew! America isn’t racist! OR IS IT?!
This is American Idol, and this is disco week. SPIKE: Also known as “Welcome to the Hellmouth.”
So last week, Matt got saved. Which means that tomorrow night, Matt and Lil will go home. No saves.
Why do people cheer for Kahra? Just ’cause they’re nice, I guess. Hey, I wonder how many times Ryan will say “unprecedented” between tonight and tomorrow night. ALICE: 357.
01 Lil, whose will has been completely crushed by this point, is first. She’s singing Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman,” and I hate the song choice, but whatevs. She looks pretty hot in her unitard and soul-crushing earrings (but I give her a pass for those because it’s disco week). I don’t know, I’m probably going to hate every single performance tonight, because it’s disco week. RANDY: A’ight, so, I don’t know. You can do nothing right, Lil. KAHRA: All of America has been waiting for you to sing Chaka Khan or someone like that, and it wasn’t worth the wait. PAULER: She had no voice yesterday, and today strong vocals. You didn’t bring out your inner goddess. SIMON: Oh, Lil, you look so sad. LIL: I don’t mean to look sad. I actually had fun tonight. SIMON: I’m glad you had fun, because I think it’s absolutely the last time we’ll see you.
02 Kris, who is a boy despite the spelling of his name, is singing “She Works Hard for the Money.” Hahahaha. Are they ever gonna tell these kids what that song’s about? Ryan asks why he’s singing that, and he says he picked it because it’s about a woman who works hard. Ryan: Ok, so he’s singing a song about a woman with a good work ethic. Oh. Um. WOW. So he’s with the guitar, with the bongos on either side, making me think of Mraz and Toca, and it is good. It is so so good. Good squared. Doesn’t sound a thing like disco, and I don’t care that he’s going all acoustic and heartfelt to sing about a prostitute, because it’s all kinds of yummy. He keeps pulling out performances like this, and he’ll make it much farther than I ever expected. KAHRA: You took a real risk with that arrangement, it paid off big time. Let me say it in many different ways. PAULER: It had a Santana fit. A lot of women shop in the men’s department, but not a lot of men will shop in the women’s. You shopped and found a perfect fit. SARAHK: I love Poh-lar. And not because she’s crazy, ok, because she’s crazy. But I totally get what she’s saying there. SIMON: I actually need a translator on this show. That was a complete polar opposite to the first. It was original, it was well-thought-out. That was not karaoke. Whether you buy or like ladies’ underwear, I couldn’t care less. It was fantastic. RANDY: What I love about you, we’re looking for the best undiscovered talent. You know who you are. You come out every week.
03 Danny is singing “September.” I think he flubbed the words once. It’s typically good Danny, but too disco for me. It’s excellent but still disco. He’s at least embellishing it a lot. RANDY: I was like dawg, I don’t know about this. You turned this into something that really worked for you tonight. I was worried, but you worked it out. KAHRA: I was kinda worried about you in disco night. Sorta like asking Simon to wear a plaid shirt. But you owned it. Blahdeblah. I hope you aren’t forgettable. PAULER: You have one of the sexiest voices ever, and I think women of all ages will agree. SPIKE: Baroque. SARAHK: Enlightenment. SPIKE: Renaissance. They’ll all agree. SARAHK: I agree. SIMON: Can’t fault the vocals, arrangement was interesting. As a performance, I didn’t get star power from it. A bit awkward and clumsy. PAULER: I’ll still see you in the finals. SPIKE: You and three or four others.
04 Allison is singing “Hot Stuff,” and you know… I wouldn’t know if she hosed the words, because she just slurs them all. “I’m waitin’ for some hover to call.” ARGH. She irks me. I love the arrangement, love what she did with it, I don’t even hate what she’s wearing, her voice is great, and if she would enunciate anything, I would love love love her. But again, vexed. When I listen to music, I don’t want to have to think about it. “What did she just say? What’s a hover when used as a noun? Wait, what? I missed that entire sentence.” I want to eat and digest the lyrics, not just sling ‘em back like oysters on the half shell. I don’t even know what my own words mean now. See what she does to me? SPIKE: Just so you lot can visualize, SarahK is pacing the floor. RANDY: I didn’t love the arrangement, over-indulgent. BUT you’re one of the best singers in this competition. You can really sing. KAHRA: I’ve gotta agree with Randy on the arrangement. You picked the right song, because blaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh will I ever shut UP. Vocals 9/10. SPIKE: No, love, I don’t think you will. SARAHK: I think the arrangement worked in her favor. We don’t like disco week! The whole point of disco week is to see how the singers make songs their own. The arrangement is good. So the pie hole? Shut it. PAULER: The word compromise doesn’t belong in your vocabulary. I don’t mind the arrangement. With the last note, you hit it off the charts. SIMON: I don’t think it’s got anything to do with slow/fast. I think you’re always going to come into this week as an underdog. SARAHK: Who’s the overdog on Hellmouth week? SIMON: That was brilliant. SARAHK: For a chronic lyrics slurrer, yes.
05 Adam has large hair and is singing “If I Can’t Have You.” It’s fantastic. Even Simon is clapping. Yeah, it’s bloody brill. Give him the record deal already. RANDY: One of the things that should be happening, you should show us your range. Dude, I’m tellin’ you somethin’. You are ready right now. Here’s a hot one tonight. KAHRA: You’re brilliant. I don’t know what else to say. But I’ll add a few more hundred words anyway. PAULER: I’ve never questioned my visceral response when I see you perform. Tonight you chose a disco song and blah blah, I feel your pain. You’re fascinating, brilliant, awesome. You will be in the finals. SIMON: I don’t know if I’d go as far as feeling your pain. I would have put $10,000 you were gonna do Donna Summer. SARAHK: Hahahahahahahaha. I love that sanguine old man. SIMON: You did something we weren’t expecting. Original, never ever heard that song sung like that. The vocals were immaculate. Congratulations.
06 Matt is singing the apropos “Stayin’ Alive.” I do loves me some BeeGees. This is pretty good until the end, but maybe it says something that I was more interested in reading Facebook status messages. RANDY: Didn’t love the song choice or arrangement, but you can really sing. This bunch right here is one of the most talented groups of 7. You can really sing. KAHRA: You brought disco back. I thought the vocals were good. Good, solid. PAULER: Sometimes you throw gutter balls, sometimes you throw strikes. Tonight you threw a strike. SIMON: I’m sorry to put a damper on this, but I didn’t like it. You’ve gotta get yourself out of Idol-land and put yourself in the real world. It was desperate, vocals weren’t great, no originality. I’m not such a huge fan of that. SARAHK: I kind of nothing it. SPIKE: Do you nothing me? SARAHK: Never, my Platinum Prince.
07 Anoop (I forgot he was even still here–so I revise my earlier statement about the two going home–it’ll be Lil and Anoop) is singing something non-descript and discoey. “Dance the Night Away” or something. He has a smudgestache this week, and it makes me laugh. RANDY: I didn’t love this arrangement. Dude, you can sing also. This top seven is so talented vocally. Nice, baby, nice. KAHRA: Great song choice. I really liked the beat. It sounded like it could be on the radio. The last two weeks, your best performances. PAULER: The look tonight, the growth… SARAHK: The smudgestache. PAULER: Real men wear pink. I saw you enjoy yourself. Smile more. SIMON: Again, I’ve gotta completely disagree. It was mediocre at best. SARAHK: Thank you. SIMON: I prayed that the tempo wasn’t gonna come in. It did. Genuinely, I thought it was your worst performance. SARAHK: I don’t remember any of them.
Adam (10*)
Kris (10*)
Danny (5*)
Allison (I’ll vote for her when she pronounces an l or an s and gets rid of her overabundance of h’s)
Matt
Lil (1*)
Anoop
Lil and Anoop go home.
So it wasn’t as bad as I expected, but we’ll still call it Hellmouth Lite.
Yeah, so it’s American Idol, yo.
Oh, good. I just haven’t seen enough of Miley Cyrus lately. Thank goodness she’ll be performing tonight. I bet Jennifer Hudson’s just so thrilled that she gets to share a stage with IT’S MILEY!!!
The Ford commercial is Freeze Frame. And Matt is the only one not on a magazine cover. Foreshadowing?
The awful medley is “Maniac.”
The kids went to a movie premier last night. 17 again starring Zac Efron. I guess I’ll be sitting that one out. That kids creeps me out to the max. He’s too pretty. Lil says, after seeing the movie, she wouldn’t go back and do it over again, because something about you have to own the mistakes you make until you get to Danny’s age. Or something. I wasn’t really paying attention, because the results show is as long as the performance show.
Allison is safe to slur again.
Adam is safe.
Anoop is in the bottom three.
Jennifer Hudson is singing. She sings very well, but I’m not into R&B, so it’s just a’ight for me, dawg.
Simon says that yes, Anoop does deserve to be sitting on the Tool Stool right now.
Kris is standing. Simon tells Kris he was brilliant last night, and Pauler agrees. Kris is safe.
Lil is in the bottom three. Simon looks smug. Yes, Simon, you have managed to beat Lil’s will to live on this show even further into the ground.
Randy and Kahra say Danny worked it out last night, dude.
Danny’s safe.
Matt’s in the bottom three.
Anoop, Lil, Matt. I think of these three… Matt is out. Kahra says this is the right bottom three. I have to agree with her, if we’re talking overall. Though I’d prefer Allison in there. I’m sorry, but I’m totally out on the great slur machine.
Anoop is safe.
IT’S MILEY!!! Ok, I was expecting to hate this. The first verse actually surprised me, because I didn’t want to die. Chorus, though–well. Anyway, she’s gorgeous and sparkly. Ok, the goat vibrato is killing me, but other than that, I’m not cutting myself. Does that mean I have to turn in my adult card?
Lil is safe.
Matt is at the mercy of the judges. If he’s smart, he’ll tone it down some tonight and not try to do so much extra with it. Because he said earlier that he realized he tried to do too much. And he didn’t tone it down.
Simon tells him that he doesn’t think he was as good as last night, and he doesn’t think Matt has a chance at winning the competition. The other three judges are up in arms and shouting vulgarities or niceties, I’m not sure which. Simon tells Matt it’s good news, and they’re saving him.
All the contestants freak out and rejoice like they’ve all just won Idol, and um… Do they get that next week one of them may go home in Matt’s place? And that two of them are out next week?
Simon says just that. SIMON: Kids, I wouldn’t be so happy. One, two people will go home next week. Two, next week is disco week.
Well, if Miley Cyrus couldn’t finish me off, Simon was able to find the two words that would.
RYAN: This… is Quentin Tarantino. QUENTIN: And THIS is American Idol!
Wow, Randy’s dressed like one of those banana fudge bombs. Kahra is still at the judges’ table for some reason. Pauler is shiny. Simon is dashing. Since Kahra’s blathering cut off Adam’s performance on all our DVRs last week, they’re judging the contestants two at a time, which means that Simon won’t even be judging some of them.
The theme is songs from the movies. I hope Adam does something from Twilight. It would complete me. And the mentor tonight is Quentin Tarantino, and this makes me blissful. He’s an Idol fan, has been a guest judge, etc. I think he’ll be excellent, based on his season three judgments. He might even be as useful a mentor as David Foster, if I may be so Alice.
01 Pulp Diction. Allison is singing “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.” The beginning is a little low for her, and she’s very breathy, struggling. Once she gets to the chorus, it’s more lively, but she’s once again having trouble with her consonants. Sing it, Diana Ross! DIANA: You need to pronunciate. SPIKE: Can we talk about the kit she’s wearing? SARAHK: Some things are best left unsaid, but she’s wearing circus-tent-striped flannel pants or something, with a balloon dress and stripper heels. It’s a little disturbing. SPIKE: I may have nightmares. ALICE: Oh, that’s right. You sleep. Lightweight. SPIKE: Bugger off. PAULER: You possess the same special sauce that Adam does. SIMON: Barbecue. PAULER: I don’t care if you’re 16 or 60, you’re talented, blah. SIMON: Yes, Allison, I think it was barbecue sauce Pauler was referring to. Hot, spicy. I think you’re the girls’ only hope left in this competition. I’ve never heard a girl sing it that well. SARAHK: I can’t get past the overabundance of vowels.
I love how on the Couples’ Judging tonight, they’ve divided down the center of the table. As if the animosity between Simon/Pauler and Kahra isn’t obvious enough. Poor Randy, he gets stuck having to play Mr. Nice Guy.
02 Natural Born Filler. Anoop is singing “(Everything I Do) I Do It for You.” Quentin tells him to rough it up. Anoop, how can we look into your eyes if they’re closed the whole time? Sigh. I still miss Kutner. Did he just say he’d cross the wire for that girl? Well, whatevs, I guess it doesn’t ruin the meaning of the song. Ok, I can give him props. That was a really good vocal, if boring. RANDY: A’ight so, Anoop Dawg, I thought this would be really rough, but dude, the last couple of weeks for me, you’ve found your zone. It was in tune, emotional, good job. KAHRA: Even though the judging gets cut in half tonight, I’ll bet I can make us go over the time again. RYAN: Who are you thinking about when you sing that song? ANOOP: I… I can’t say. SPIKE: You, Ryan. I do it for you. SARAHK: It’s sweet, really.
03 Wacky Brown. Adam is up, early enough so everyone will get to see him tonight. Singing “Born to Be Wild.” Quentin says Adam is the real rockstar deal. Quentin didn’t get to see the whole thing that Adam will do. He looks a little annoyed by that. Adam’s wearing his skinny jeans, per usual. He’s playing to the headbanging band and that. Oh wow. Oh that high screaming note, you know who I heard? Axl Rose, baby. Anyway, I dug it hard. He’s just a force, you know? A little unstoppable. PAULER: You dare to dance in the path of greatness. ADAM’S EYES: I have no idea what you mean. SIMON: Adam, I think you’ve gotta learn how to express yourself more. Vocally, incredible. Downside, it was a little bit like watching the Rocky Horror musical. Half the audience will love it, half will hate it. I don’t think that will be as popular as your performance last week. SARAHK: Well, I didn’t love it as much as last week, but it was still great.
04 From Dusk Till Yawn. Matt is doing “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” He’s at the piano. It’s good most of the way, and then at the bridge, he just tries to do way too much with it, and his wheels fly off, one may have hit Ryan in the head, I don’t know. It was praiseworthy until it just… wasn’t. Too bad. FUDGE BOMB [seriously, did he buy the sweater at Thrift Town? I mean, you can find good stuff there, but some things go to Thrift Town to die and should never be resurrected]: You tried to do too much with it, and when you got too the bridge it wasn’t good. You lost more of that song than you won. KAHRA: Whatever Randy said, but with more words and so much more emotion.
05 . Thrilling Zoe. Danny is sans glasses. He got bored and decided to buy a guitar. He’s gonna learn to play. Ryan asks if he’ll break it out on the show this year, and he says, “Oh no. Nooooo. No no no.” Good boy. Quentin asks him to not emote with his hands so much. Oh my word, he looks even more like Robert Downey Jr. without the glasses. He’s singing “Endless Love.” When I heard that’s what he would sing, I rolled my eyes, but I take it back. I take it all back. It was more lovely than a butterscotch-eyed vampire. ALICE: Hey! SARAHK: Not all of them, of course. But wow. Loved it. Loved the harp, too. SPIKE: Why are you clutching your chest and fanning yourself? PAULER: From the opening, I wasn’t sure that the key should have been lowered, but midway though, the magic is in the timbre of your voice, and you grab us at the beginning, wow us in the middle, and slay us at the end. SIMON: I can’t really fault the way you sang the song. I’m disappointed that we had the harp and we had a traditional version. I was a bit bored. Having said that, I think this means a lot to you personally, and I can see you’re emotional. I congratulate you for that. SARAHK: Whatevs, it was brill.
06 Reservoir Snogs. [As in, all the girls want to snog him. Ok, it sucks, I know. Shut up.] Kris, a boy in spite of the spelling of his name, is singing “Falling Slowly” from Once. Quentin asks if he’ll play an instrument, and either way it’ll be a winner. The verse is too low for him. It’s a little boring at first, but then it gets just lovely, and I’m totally digging that harmony with the backup singer. Mmm. That was yummy. RANDY: Dude, for me, for you, it never quite caught on. I love that song, but it was pitchydawg from note one. KAHRA: Difficult to pick an obscure song like that, but for me, it was one of your best moments. SARAHK: I agree with her, but it’s too bad no one listens to her. PAULER does rejoice when she says that, though, so maybe people will listen to Pauler.
Hahahaha. In fact, halachah of all. The Burger King / Sponge Bob commercial. Halachah of all, indeed.
07 Kill Lil’s Will. Lil is singing “The Rose.” I’ve gotta say, song choice tonight has been questionable. Quentin tells her to commit to the beginning, more vanilla, part as much as she commits to the gospelly finish. I like her wig tonight. The longer hair is good on her. That was her best in many weeks. Maybe her best yet. The last note needed help, but other than that, yay. Much better. PAULER: You could not have sung a more beautiful lyric. SARAHK: Uh-oh. She skipped right past the pretty and went to the lyrics. PAULER: Sometimes the road is really long, but it’s worth taking, especially when you’ve come this far. SPIKE: What is she even talking about? SIMON: I think you’re still getting this completely wrong. The song was too soft, too middle-of-the-road. You had some nice moments, but there’s no excuses anymore. You’re not the artist I believe we met seven or eight weeks ago. LIL: Y’all are beating me the hell DOWN. I did the R&B/gospel thing. What more do you want from me? Srsly, y’all vex me. I give up. Just stick a fork in me, k? [That was a paraphrase.]
Danny*******
Adam******
Kris******
Lil*****
Anoop***
Allison
Matt
ALICE: I see a bottom three… of Matt, Allison, and Lil. It will be a shocking result, because Allison will be voted off. But the judges will use their judges’ save for the first time ever. It’ll be a whole big thing.
SARAHK: DUDES. What was up with the song choices? Also, remember how I said Quentin could rival David Foster in the mentor department? Not even close.
Oh, and too bad Scott wasn’t here this week. Quentin has a movie called Grindhouse. You see where I’m going with this, yes?
(Um, Blindhouse. Blindhouse.)
p.s. Yeah, if the movie was listed anywhere on QT’s imdb page, it was fair game for titles.