Ryan just said, “This is American Idol.” Weeeeird. He didn’t say, “This! … is A…merican Idol.”
Frank and I want to know why Randy is always being so mean to the contestants and making them cry. Ryan wants to know if Simon was angry last night. “I wasn’t angry. More like full of hate.” He didn’t really say that.
“Reeling in the Years.” That’s the group song. Really? The whole Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and we go with that? Not that I don’t like it, but come on. Did David Archuleta pick it? Reel in the years, peeps. Anyway, group songs keep getting worse and worse.
Oh yeah. I forgot to tell y’all what I did last night. When I was working on the post, I worked in song titles from previous Idol contestants and/or winners. I think there are 16 song titles in there, excluding any explicitly mentioned. If you want to play along, give me title and artist. Winner receives a big bag of high praise. From me!
Archuleta is safe.
Someone should tell Jason that people sleep on airplanes all the time. “Sleeping in the aiiiiir. Cooooool.”
I call shenanigans on the makeovers. Did Jason even get one? They didn’t even touch his hair.
David Cook is safe.
Ryan calls out Jason and Syesha and says, “The person… leaving us… this week… is…” Jason interrupts. “Are you gonna tell us now?” “No. I’m gonna take a break.” Now that would be some Idol drama, dropping the other shoe halfway in, before the guests and the crappy Ford commercial. I reckon I’d pee my pants.
Speaking of crappy Ford commercials, all the idols are dressed like freaky gay matadors and singing “Ring of Fire” while trying to tame KITT. Wow, those pantaloons. I guess we can call this one an Increasingly Decent Ford Commercial.
No more free previews on the lame viewer questions. We have to see them as Ryan reads them.
So some delusionally hopeful individual named Emily asks David Cook if he’ll go on a date with her on her birthday, which happens to be when he will be in her hometown on tour. David fumbles around for the nicest way to say, “Um, no” and ends up with a phrase that can only be interpreted “absolutely not.” “We’ll see.” Ouch.
A little tweener has called in to ask everyone (anyone can answer!) what has been their biggest challenge. Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I’ll go! SARAHK: My biggest challenge is not hunting down all the people who call in with lame questions and extracting the five minutes they each took from my life right out of their faces. Notice I said lame questions, therefore excluding Tah-ra Miller, whose phone call left me giddy all day last Thursday. It doesn’t take much, dudes. Oh, while I’m at it, let me answer for the cast. JASON: Remembering lyrics. DAVID A: Singing without an agenda. No, scratch that. Being not tiny. Still haven’t gotten there. SYESHA: *SOBBBBBB* Keeping the girls on the inside of the clothes. And not wearing earrings that crush SarahK’s soul. SARAHK: So nice to be mentioned. DAVID C: Knowing for, like, EVER that I’m gonna win and having to wait it out. RYAN: Getting to sleep each night. I count Simons, and they’re just so pretty that I can’t stop counting. PAULER: Ryan, I liked your first two questions, but the third question has left me and my glass kinda empty. Garson! [Not sure how to spell that.] SIMON: Being with you losers every night. And being so brilliant. And being so s-e-x-x-y.
Syesha says stagefright. Archuleta doesn’t know. Jason says, “The brain being dead.” Amen. Anyway, my answers were better.
Why hasn’t Simon been k-nigitted by the Queen yet? Simon says good point, it’s a very good question, something he asks himself on a daily basis, “So, um, Your Majesty, if you’re watching, I’m available.”
How does Syesha feel being the only girl in the top four? Is she proud? She can’t really talk about some uncomfortableness, but the guys are funny or something.
Simon could be the next James Bond. Has he ever acted? Um, remember that scene with Pauler. “I’m loving the questions this week.” Wow, Rachl Lukis was right about the fauxhawk on Ryan. I could cut sushi rolls with that.
Didn’t Maroon 5 perform late last year too? The lead singer’s voice (is his name Adam Levine? I can’t remember.) seems to get higher as he ages. I have always loved his voice. He does creep me out a bit, though, if I’m being oh-nest. He’s wearing a girl’s suit. Now he’s talking, and he’s kinda geeky.
Bo Bice performing “Witness.” SarahK fading out. Is it the weekend yet? No? Darn. Huh. I’m loving this, no surprise there. But the huh is because he is pronunciating (thank you so much, Diana Ross) like Dave Matthews. He’s using one of those modulator thingies. I think those props are good in studios but goofy onstage. Ryan looks bored. Well, that was great. Maybe we should buy his latest CD.
Dude. Ryan asks Bo what he thinks about the contestants getting to use instruments this year. He thinks it’s great, thinks some of them took risks using them, some maybe stayed behind the instruments too much, and it’s been a good mix. He is a nice guy, and every time he talks about Idol or to Idol, I am thrilled with how genuinely nice he seems.
Right on.
Are we done yet? My body hurts, and I’m tired like the wolf.
Ryan says, “You sang most of ‘Tambourine Man.’” Jason says, “Somebody told me that I shot the tambourine man yesterday.” Hahahahaha. I wish it had been me. Funny because it’s true.
Jason is out. No, don’t celebrate him home, Ruben. Just shut your pie hole so I can watch the clip and sigh.
I still want him to put out an album. I’ll be all over that. Oh, come on, don’t do the Marley one! Shoot the tambourine man!
Oh well.
See what others have to say about American Idol.
Please stop screwing with The Beatles — it’s annoying me to no end. Even worse, they keep dragging out that horrendous “Love” album as if it is somehow representative of The Beatles’ music. Can’t we please go back to Stevie Wonder night?
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I’m so thankful we’re down to four. Soon I’ll have my Tuesday nights back until next year.
BTW. I keep hearing/seeing people say/write that this is the worst. season. evah. I totally disagree. Last season was the worst. season. evah. I loved that the top 24 this year actually had talent. No Sanjayas. Sure, some of the kids succumbed to nerves and became snoozers, but we saw good auditions out of all of them, and there were none of the top 24 where I was going, “That talentless hack? WhatEVS!” The allowing of instruments changed a lot. We know what kind of album each artist would put out. David Cook does rock and emo-ish, Syesha is best with showtunes and would probably be awesome doing standards (did they have a standards night this season? Because I don’t remember one). Jason will put out an all-acoustic album, and it will be teh coolness. I hope he’s good with the wordplay. That reminds me, I totally need Mraz’s new one. David Archuleta will sing long, boring ballads about poor people and changing the world. And the tweenies will eat that crap up.
Anyway, on to the show. Ry Ry says that 3 of the top 4 have been #1 in the votes. Frank and I think Syesha is the only one who hasn’t been. I mean, the night Jason did Hallelujah? He totally pwn3d that show. It’s some kind of miracle that he survived the last two weeks, but I’m glad he made it through this far. He’d better step it up tonight, though, or he’s going home.
Oh. Pause. I just checked VFTW to see who they picked, and thank you SO MUCH, VFTW! I’m so happy that Jason is your new pick after Brooke’s ouster. Vote vote vote!
I need a massage and an epsom salts bath. Well, I will have one of those two after the show. My cervical spine hurts bad.
This…
More snark…
Ryan says, “We are live, and this is American Idol.” Yeah, we got the full effect of live last night when Pauler took a dip in the vodka pool in Koo-Koo Land.
I think it’s funny that the British music stars are performing so much on Idol lately.
Oh good! A Neil Diamond song and/or medley! Are you as excited as I am? I’m like peeing-my-pants excited. Or maybe it’s throwing-up-in-my-mouth excited. I get confused sometimes and can’t tell the difference. Wow, this is absolutely their worst medley ever. I feel like I’m smoking Pauler’s crack, because that sounded like just a bunch of random words and notes loosely strung together with massive pitchiness, dawg. Thank goodness that’s over.
That’s the second time we’ve seen Constantine and The Glock together. They say they’re not dating, they do some AI backstage reality show.
Now we get the recap from last night, and they totally leave Paula’s meltdown out of the clip show.
Ryan is telling everyone that the rumors that Pauler’s drunkenness sparked last night that he’s read online are not true. I can’t believe he didn’t read Snark Raving Mad! I told nothing but the truth.
Jason is the first out. I think he goes home tonight. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! I was WRONG! He’s safe. Thank you, late twenties chicks and my fellow early thirties babes.
David Archuleta is up next. Please please please be heading to the Tool Stools. I came up with it last night, and I’m totally keeping it. This week, David just wanted to have fun instead of singing “mature-sounding” songs like he’s sung before. He’s safe. Boooo, tweeners!
Ooooh, next week is Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. I hope they don’t suck. But really I just don’t care as long as Paula brings her Crazy Game like she did last night. She won my undying devotion forever and ever.
David Cook is safe.
Syesha and Brooke are out together. After a long, drawn-out banter, Ryan tells them to go rest on the couch while they have musical guests. Brooke, ever loquacious, says, “We’ll stay as long as we can.”
Hey, here’s something I’ve always wanted to know but was too lazy to look up: Are Natasha and Daniel Bedingfield brother and sister? Oh hey, I recognize this song. I couldn’t have told you any song she sings. I can recite her brother’s (I looked it up) entire first album for you.
After her performance, she asks if she can go say hi to David. I assume Cook, but no, she sits down next to Archuleta and kisses his cheek. Ryan asks her if she’ll go to the prom with David, and she says if he asks her she’ll come. He’s like, “Okay!”
Inane Viewer Questions! “Why does Paula always give the contestants a break?” “Well, somebody has to. What they do is hard. Just like trying to remember if you’ve watched someone sing once or twice. Hard.” “Paula, do you and Randy plan to do anymore music videos together?” Who cares? They’re just gonna keep dancing like there’s no tomorrow while Randy bobs up and down, smiling feverishly. Pauler says Randy can be a dancing cat. Randy says, no, a dawg. Because see, he’s the dawg. Simon says, how about a bear? He clarifies that he means a polar bear.
And the thing is, y’all, I will never get these moments of my life back. How sad for me.
“Simon, which of these performances was more forgettable? Your kiss with Paula, or your first kiss in the garden with me when you were nine?” Simon says, “Is that Tara Miller?” Yes, it is. Simon is blushing and seems genuinely happy she called in. Ryan asks if Simon is a good kisser, because he wants to know what it will be like someday. “Yes, I thought it might come to this. So I have an answer prepared for you.” Tara says, “Um…” Simon: “Bearing in mind, Tara, that I was nine years old and didn’t have a lot of experience!” Pauler wants to know if Tara’s over the rabies, and Simon says, “Are you still a cute girl, Tara?” I love how he says Tara. Tah-ra. “I must say, you’ve aged very well, Simon, and I think I have too.” Simon says this was really and truly his first kiss, his first crush. Ryan says they’ll exchange phone numbers, and Simon is preciously pink in the face. “I’m going to be in so much trouble.” Ryan tells the kids at home that nine is too young to start kissing. Come to think of it, my first kiss was at nine. Kirk something or other. But it was nothing compared to my second kiss, at thirteen. Kelly Graham. Yowza.
Increasingly Decent Ford Commercial is “Catch the Wind.” And we’re back to Crappy Ford Commercials. Greening up the planet, cleaning litter, putting exhaust fumes back in car tailpipes.
I have to say something about David Cook. His stomach is bloated and a little distended, and his skin is splotchy. He should be tested for celiac.
I can’t take this Neil Diamond song. Fast forward. No offense. Aw, his mother is in the audience. It almost makes me want to rewind and watch his performance. Almost. His new album drops Tuesday. He thinks the judges were a little harsh last night but generally pretty right on. Especially Paula, right? She was right. on. Neil says to the kids, “Don’t listen to what Simon says.”
Brooke is already crying, even before Ryan tells her she’s out like Seacrest. I’m sure she’s gonna have something to say. I’m right. “I just wanna say thank you. Thank you. It’s gonna be really hard for me right now. But thank you. Thank you.” It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s ooooookayyyyy.
Kinda sad. I was hoping the top three would be the three unique voices remaining: David Cook, Brooke, Jason. Alas.
Jay’s take on last night over here. We never really agree much on Idol. :)
Go to sirlinksalot for more American Idol.
I’m finishing DWTS from Monday night while I wake up, and I call baloney on Cristian’s muscle pull. During the dance he was wincing and holding his right arm. After the dance, he forgot and started holding the left arm. When Elle told me yesterday about the muscle pull, I said, “Ah. Sympathy votes.”
Something happened to my AI post. I wrote the whole thing, really I did. Even predicted Jason to go home tonight. And now most of it is gone. I’ve already deleted it, so if my host can’t restore it for me, I guess y’all won’t get my brilliant insight.
UPDATE: It’s back up.
Whew. Stacy at Hosting Matters got my post back for me. Because she’s awesome.
Says Ryan: Carly is watching from home tonight. Way to stay classy, Ry.
Tonight is Neil Diamond night. And we get two songs from each of the five. Oh yeah. This is gonna be a neverending party. I wish instead of Neil Diamond, we had Chris Turk impersonating Neil Diamond.
I’m ready for the geek makeovers. Starting with Jason’s dreads. I’m cool with them, but I just think he’d be even cuter with less hair.
They won’t be judged after their first song, only after their second one.
They’ve put Jason in the dreaded #1 spot tonight. First he will sing “Forever in Blue Jeans.” I love it. Voice is great, he looks great, and did I mention the voice? Yuck, the strings just came in. Why? Anyway, he was adorable, but the song choice was pretty lame. He didn’t do much with it. Since the judges won’t talk until after the second song, I’ll improvise for them. RANDY: Yo dawg. You know what? It’s not the right song for you for me. It was just a’ight. Just a’ight. PAULER: I disagree. I think Jason, you came out and showed who you are as a performer. And you should be applauded for that. SIMON: Fuh me, it was like listening to a guy sing on the sidewalk out in front of a reh-kourd store. I might throw a penny or two in your guitah case, but I’m not going to throw in a ten dollar bill. Oh, SHUT UP! It’s called an *opinion*, people! Look it up! SARAHK: I hope you’re more exciting with song #2, because if not, you’re on a serious bubble.
David Cook is on the stool softener with Ryan. “How did you prepare for this week?” “I was going to ask you the same thing. How did *you* prepare for this week?” “Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.” “Ok, let’s go to the videotape.”
OH! OH! Before I go on… Frank and I were watching House last night, and I think it was my Jason who said something like, “At this point in the competition, if you mess up, there’s like no going back.” I promptly turned to Frank and said, “Unless you’re Brooke!”
Ok, it was funnier last night when I didn’t give it the double-OH! lead-in. Oh well.
A’ight. So David is going to sing two songs that, per Neil Diamond, most people have never heard before. Either he’ll be at the top of the heap again this week, or it will be a shocka! elimination. I’m guessing the former. Uhm, is it just me, or is he doing that weird Neil Diamondy sound with his voice? And is that a girl’s blazer? Anyway, his first song is “I’m Alive.” It’s good, typical David Cook unless you count the slurry voice weirdness. Rowdi is whining at the back door and sounding somewhat like a wounded cow at the moment. It’s cracking me up. (fake judging)RANDY: Yo dawg. You know what? I was a little worried about you singing a song nobody’s heard before, you know, could be a bad move and all, but BABY, YOU BLEW IT OUT THA BOX! THAT WAS DA BOMB, BABY! PAULER: David, I just have so much fun watching you. You’re really showing America who you are as a performer. Just… great… job. Need more vodka. STAT. SIMON: Did you get all that? Look, David. I’m not jumping up and down excited over it, but… CROWD: Booooo! SIMON: BUT! BUT! But it was good.
Brooke is going to play guitar on “I’m a Believer” (her singing it is the only thing stopping David A from singing it, so bonus points for that). I guess she’ll be saying “and then I saw *his* face…” Eye roll. Anyway, on her second song, which starts “I’m New York City born and raised,” Neil tells her that he sings that because he *is* NYC born and raised, but she’s Arizona born and raised, so he thinks she should sing that. SARAHK [excitedly]: Oh, I hate it when they do that! It’s so hokey! BTW, Brooke doesn’t look like she’s fully on board with that. Anyway, “I’m a Believer.” Brooke is now officially The Minister of Silly Faces, perhaps even a better minister of that than Sleepy Lee Cook. She’s standing still with the guitar on a very vibrant song, and it just seems like she should move around some. Wow, those are some shiny pants. After the little guitar solo, it becomes clear that she is singing the Smashmouth version of this song (from Shrek). It’s corny and hokey, but she does stretch her voice a little, and does that well. But yeah, last place so far. (fake judginess) RANDY: Yo. Yo. Brooke. What did you think about that? BROOKE: I felt good about it. You know, I just really wanted to come out here and sing something fun, and I like this song a lot, so I felt good about it. RANDY: Well, you know, it just didn’t do it for me, dawg. It was corny, pitchy, and I don’t know, man. I just didn’t get it. BROOKE: That’s okay. That’s okay. It’s okay. It’s ohhhhhkayyyyyy. PAULER: Brooke. You look beautiful. BROOKE: Thank you! I found these shiny pants on sale, and I just love them. And thanks so much to the stylists, Jane and Sally, who do the hair and makeup. Really, round of applause for the stylists! Great job. PAULER: It just… you kinda showed who you are as an artist, I guess. SIMON: Dreadful. The facial expressions, the outfit, it was all a bit nightmarish, if I’m being oh-nest. You’re lucky you have two songs tonight. SARAHK: That was harsh. But fair. If I can just write all of your dialog in the coming weeks, we could be soul mates again. Y’all, did I mention she “woo”ed twice? She wooed.
David Archuleta. See, I got a rockin’ massage this evening (it hurt sooo bad), and I just know going into this that he’s going to totally tense me up and undo everything that George did tonight. He’s first singing “Sweet Caroline.” Touching me, touching youuuuuuu. I nothing this performance. RANDY: Yo dawg! Great song choice for you for me. You put your own twist on it, made it your own dawg, yeeeeeeaaaaahhh, great job! PAULER: David, I just love everything you bring to this competition. You’re just such a joy to be around, such a joy to watch, and what can I say. I just love you. SIMON: Best of the night so fah. SARAHK: We’re so over again.
*Sigh*esha is going to sing “Hello Again” and “Thank the Lord for the Night Time.” Brooke got Neil all hug-infected, and he feels the need to pass that onto *Sigh*esha. I like her extensions tonight. Her hair is down and flat. She just got ahead of the music. She’s doing the thing all the girls are doing this season — no shoes. Dressed in a classyish dress, with classy jewelry (no soul crushers! amen!), classy hair, and no shoes. This is actually quite good. A little screechy near the end, but I liked it. RANDY: Wow, Syesha, I like what you did there, you know? Nice and subtle, and I gotta say, that was HOT, BABY! PAULER: Syesha, what does your name have in it? SYESHA: We’re still doing that? “Yes.” PAULER: Yes. That’s what I say to your performance. Yes. And you look beautiful. SIMON: It was a little boring, but it was good.
Round One from the real judges (let’s see how close I got):
RANDY: Round one, Jason. I thought it was just okay man, just okay. David Cook, very good, in the zone, doing your thang. Brooke, better than last week. Still a little karaoke for me. Archuleta, tha bomb. Syesha, you’re definitely kind of in the zone, too. It was strong, it wasn’t amazing, but it was strong.
I was pretty close on everyone except Brooke.
PAULER: Jason, the first song, I loved hearing your lower register, which we never really hear. Um, the second song, I felt like your usual charm, it was missing for me. It kind of left me a little empty. And the two songs made me feel like you’re not fighting hard enough to get into the top four.
This very well may be my favorite Idol moment of all time. ALL. TIME. He’s only sung one song, and she’s just judged him on both, right after starting by saying, “We’ve never had to write these things down so fast.” So shenanigans all around on that one. Maybe she took notes from dress rehearsal? Or she has already decided what she’s gonna say before the show ever starts. Or someone has decided for her. Or she really did think that he sang two songs in that teeny space of time. This freeze-frame on the DVR is priceless. Ryan is looking to the sides like, “Um, is she judging the future? Where’s the DeLorean? I wanna ride.” Jason is stoney-faced (or stoned-faced, whatevs). He probably doesn’t even realize that he’s only sung one song so far. David Cook has his head cocked up, and he’s looking in Ryan’s direction like, “I’m gonna just take my cues from Ryan and see what I should do.” Brooke is frowning. Archuleta is half-frowning, half-smiling. I don’t think any of the kids are sure whether they’ve sang once or twice at this point. Syesha looks utterly confused. This is the Best. Pauler. Ever.
Randy breaks in, trying to save the moment. “Just on the first. She means just on the first song.”
PAULER: I thought you s… Oh my ***, I thought you sang twice.
RYAN: You’re seeing the future, Paula.
PAULER: You know what? This is hard!
SIMON [cracking up]: Ok, Pauler, Pauler, who was your favorite? Who was your favorite?
PAULER: You know what, I’m looking at your notes, David. You were fantastic.
Pauler looks so proud of herself now and asks the waiter (Ryan) for more vodka. I’m going to watch this moment over and over until I die laughing. Don’t look for me after the commercial, I’ve already died and gone to snark heaven.
SIMON: Okay, right. You’re all very very lucky you’ve got two songs. Jason, forgettable. David, just above average. Brooke, a nightmare [hey, I said he’d say that!]. Brooke is shaking her head. David Archuleta, I thought it was amateurish. Syesha, I thought it was old-fashioned. So guys, I’m going to say something to you. You are top five contestants. I want to hear performance of a lifetime second time around.
Just went back and watched that again. Beautiful. I’ve never loved Paula’s love for vodka more than at this moment. And Cadet, your preview was dead-on.
Some dufus has a sign in the audience. “Simon for Governor of Cowell-fornia.” Goober.
Jason is back on to sing “September Morn.” I feel like I’m at a Jason Castro acoustic fan club concert. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I love it, could listen to it all day. But the Idol millions won’t love it. Not enough flair. He’s getting boring for a pop idol show, and I fear this may be his week to go. I still hope he gets a record deal. I predict that Pauler will say that it lacked his usual charm. What do you think? RANDY: I don’t know what’s happening to you tonight. That was just another okay whatever performance for me. Definitely not the best. PAULER: I feel like you took kinda the same liberty on both songs now. And I feel like it’s safe and you need to get out of your comfort zone. Come on, come on, fight… JASON: I had something in my throat. SARAHK: I think it was marijuana smoke. SIMON: Oh, Jason, come on. We don’t recognize you at the moment. For the last couple of weeks, you’re not the same guy we put into the competition. I think when you watch it back tonight, you’re going to go, I don’t know who this person is. Sorry. SARAHK: I can’t argue with that. Especially the part about being sorry.
David Cook is singing “All I Really Need is You.” What can I say? Best of the night. Loved it. Awesome. I’m sure I can come up with another sentence fragment here… He’ll win. And his hair grew back over the last week. RANDY: You rocked the house again. That was BLAZING! SARAHK: Molten hot. PAULER: I feel like I’m already looking at the American Idol. SIMON: I’m going to be oh-nest with you. I thought the first song was okay. I thought the second song was brilliant. You actually made that feel like that song was written this year. And that was the point I was trying to make to Jason. You changed the arrangement, you made it work for you. Well done.
Brooke is on the Tool Stool. What is her reaction to Simon’s declaration that the song was a nightmare? “I don’t know if it was his dream come true, but a nightmare? Come on.” She’s singing “I Am, I Said.” This is one of her best ever. RANDY: That Neil Diamond song is one of the hardest ones to sing. Nice job. PAULER: Brooke, I think that what you just did… incoherent. That works. SIMON: Brooke, I really really hated the first song, but it was kind of a girls’ night out at the karaoke bar, wasn’t it? But this is the Brooke we like. Sitting behind the piano, singing a very good song. It wasn’t incredible, but it was a million times better than the first song. Way to turn it around.
David Archuleta is singing “America.” There are brains between the ears after all. Smart song choice. A song about America kept Kristy in, and it will do the same for David. I know I need to give him credit, singing about America and all that, not singing a hippie song, not singing an agenda, hoorah for that, but I feel like I’m watching a Lufkin, TX, production of West Side Story (I don’t know why that musical, probably because it has a song in it called “America,” but I do kinda picture him dancing and snapping through the streets every time he sings). Or a dreadful Christian pop concert at Soul Lift at Six Flags. And I’m just guessing, but Archuleta is probably singing about an America with open borders and no enforcement. Why loose my venom on him? He lost me when he sang “Imagine,” I gave him another chance and he sang several more agenda songs, and I know that’s the kind of album he’ll release. Who wants to listen to a full album of “Another Day in Paradise”-like craptaculasms? Let them have it, I’m just so over him. Plus, I thought it was dreadful.
Heck, I’m even close to over Jason at this point. Step it up, dude.
Back to David. RANDY: All’s I can say, man, for a young man, you are definitely in the zone right now, dude dude dude. ‘Nother good performance, baby. PAULER: This was the absolute perfect song for you to sing. Prodigy, savant, I love you, have fun. SIMON: Well David, *that* was a smart choice of song. I’ve gotta hand it to you. That was clever. It ticked all the boxes. Your audience are absolutely going to love it.
*Sigh*esha one more time. “Thank the Lord for the Night Time.” She’s decided to go all Broadway-ish, all the time. She knows this is her niche, her best shot, and she’s going for it. She’s not boring me. She’s actually one of the best overall tonight. Don’t tell anyone I said so, let’s keep it between us. She is still not wearing shoes. RANDY: Yo, you know what I’m loving about you, you’re finally realizing who you are. That could have been in some play, could have been on Broadway. I like you in this. PAULER: Brooke… SARAHK: Did she call her Brooke? LOL, I rewound, and she definitely did. Pauler is IN THA HOUSE TONIGHT! The House of Crazy. PAULER: I didn’t get to say about your first song. Vulnerable, your zone. That said, this one something something something. SIMON: So you liked it. This is officially the strangest show we’ve ever done. But I like that. It’s kind of a bit chaotic tonight. I think what you demonstrated there again, Syesha, is that you are a great actress slash singer. I think you may be in trouble tonight. There are only five of you left, so that is a calculated guess. I don’t think you had as memorable a second song as some of them had.
My order (overall based on two performances):
David Cook (just give him the title now, and let’s be done with it)
Brooke (soul crushers and shiny pants notwithstanding)
Syesha
Jason (he should have done the first song second and the second song first)
David Archuleta (he’s killing my very essence)
Bottom two prediction: Syesha and Jason. Going home: *sniff* Jason.
sirlinksalot has more American Idol.
Tracey caught Poorla’s crack-infested moment too.
And if I haven’t done already, I want to just thank Paula for tonight. It was bliss.
Between all the stories where soldiers and Marines are either criminals or suspected criminals, the incessant babbling by the hippie dad and the genius scientist about how great it is to worship Gaia, and the complete absence of rebuttal about the polar ice caps melting (AS THE ARCTIC ICE HAS SHRUNK OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS, THE ANTARCTIC ICE SEEMINGLY HAS GROWN, DILLWEEDS), turning Larry into a snoozer, and making Don, the hero of the show, a completely unlikeable character (after all, guys who shoot criminals with guns are amoral and emotionally stunted), I’m blerging through half the show every week now.
It needs to step up its game, or I’m out.
Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber is at the piano while the six sing “All I Ask of You.” Well, I enjoyed the piano at least.
By the way, Ryan kissed Simon on the head at the top of the show. I think I’m supposed to be all shocked and awed or something, but really I’m just glad that Ryan held back.
If the AI tour comes to Boise, I’m in.
BTW, I predicted *Sigh*esha to go home, but today I may have changed my mind. I’m on the fence between her and Brooke. Either way, I think those two are the bottom two tonight. And Syesha can go on and become a big Broadway star; she’ll be great there.
Sir ALW is sitting on the stage for a chit chat with Ryan. Sir ALW says he really felt for Brooke, because even the best lose their way sometimes, including the judges a few times last night, and that in the dress rehearsal Brooke was flawless. He also says that he doesn’t think Jason would have listened to him no matter what (it’s hard to listen when you’re so cute and high — Frank has a hard time listening to me, and he’s only one of those two). And Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber is just precious. He is. What a personality. I hope he comes back every year.
Increasingly Decent Ford Commercial: “Tainted Love.” Pretty cool.
Wow. Idol Gives Back brought in more than $65 million, say President and Mrs. Bush.
The Davids are out first. These will be your finalists this year (blerg on the little one). Simon gets called on to answer a question and is caught “eating a sweet.” The Davids are safe. The cameras pan to the audience, and we see the caption “David’s family and friends.” Which David? We then see the other David’s family, but we don’t know which is which.
All the long-haired peeps are still backstage.
Hancock looks like teh total awesome. Awww. It comes out on July 2nd. I heart that date.
Tamyra Gray is in Rent, Clay Aiken is in Spamalot (!!). Lakisha Jones was in The Color Purple, as was Fantasia. I guess American Idol is the farm team for Broadway these days.
Leona Lewis, a Simon Cowell discovery, is out to sing “Bleeding Love.” Ryan says they play it every half hour on the radio, and I’ve never heard the song once. I love it. Love her voice. She has a lot of Celine mannerisms, so I’d prefer to just listen and not watch. Pauler is dancing.
*Sigh*esha and Brooke are out together. Brooke has looked for a couple of weeks like she just doesn’t even want to be here anymore. Ryan asks Syesha a question, and she says “like” about 500 times. Here’s where we learn that the Idol contestants really do read Snark Raving Mad (thank you, I appreciate y’all listening to my words of wisdom). Ryan asks why Brooke didn’t say much during the judging last night, and she says she knows that she tends to interrupt the judges a lot, so she just felt like she should let them speak. They’ve been reading me for a couple of years, and it still flatters me every time.
Whoa. Brooke is safe, and Syesha is in the bottom two. Now I’m officially freaked. out. No one I talked today thought Jason was good. Tracey is the only one who (somewhat) agreed with me on him.
I’m still trying to figure out whether David Cook wears a piece. Sometimes it looks like hair, sometimes not. It looks fine, and I don’t care. I’m just curious is all.
Carly looks confident. Jason looks freaked. “Jason. Paula liked how you put your own influence into it. Randy called it a trainwreck.” Jason makes the choo-choo whistle sign, and I crack up.
JASON IS SAFE! I just screamed. My life is sad. Carly and Syesha are the bottom two.
Simon says he’s not surprised Brooke is on the couch, because she made herself human last night. He says Jason wasn’t very good, but he was charming.
Carly performs again, and it’s better even than last night. Syesha’s performance is even more charming than last night, but the vocal isn’t as good. Still good. Ryan and Carly are deep in conversation during Syesha’s song.
Randy says it must be a bit of a popularity vote this week, because the performances were great. WhatEVS, Randy.
DUDE. Carly is out.
Can we stop celebrating the kids home this season already? What a beating, I hate this song so much.
Simon apologizes for giving Carly the kiss-of-death compliment last night. He tells her to be proud of herself, and she is.
And that’s that.
More American Idol at sirlinksalot.
I think ever since Rachl Lukis said that Ryan stretches “American” way too long, he’s making it even longer just to get under her skin. Ry Ry says they’re pushing the contestants harder than they ever have before. While you’re at it, why don’t you push little David A off into a pit in Canaan and dip his coat in lamb’s blood? Don’t worry, he’ll be 2nd in command in Egypt and we won’t hear from him for many years. I don’t see how there’s a loser in that scenario.
Funny how I used to get all fawny over the little agendist. Ya live ya learn.
Oh good, AI is gonna use green power at the finale to suck up to the Church of Greentology. I will drive around in my SUV all day that day in honor of whatever we’re celebrating. By the way, NASA (the really freaking smart guys) gave me a bookmark at the World Space Expo this year. It shows that as the arctic ice has gotten smaller in the last five years, the antarctic ice has grown at least as much. Just so you know.
Ricky Minor looks dashing in front of the orchestra.
They’re doing Andrew Lloyd Webber’s music tonight. I’ll be in either musical heaven or musical hell. Mr. Webber is in the audience. They traveled to the Phantom’s theater in Vegas for their mentoring. *Sigh*esha nodded along to pretend she understands what he’s talking about. He tells them he is there to help them be the best they can be, it’s his job as a composer. And if they butcher his music, he’s going to ship them off to Argentina to be with Juan Peron. I almost sang that (”Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina”) for a pageant in high school one year… but the performance nights conflicted with bell choir performances, and since I was in deep, undying love with handbells, the little Schulmerichs won out. G5 and A6 Schulmerichs, to be precise.
Randy says that he and Simon think this will be the toughest week. Awesome. I can’t wait to watch them fall. Pauler says there are still a few people that stand out, and it’s not going to be any easier for the laggers. Ryan asks Simon about calling bad performances “Broadway.” Simon says be memorable but also contemporary.
*Sigh*esha is first. She’s singing “One Rock & Roll Too Many” from Starlight Express. ALW calls it “an interesting choice.” He tells her to do it the fun way and says she might bring the house down. She’s got her hair calm and wrapped around her head. She’s hamming it up with the band and Ricky. She’s in a teensy red dress that is… teensy. She’s proud of her body tonight. She’s actually very good, other than going a little flat on “toll” right before the end. This is the least boring she’s ever been. Pretty well done. RANDY: This is your element. You could be a huge Broadway star. PAULER: Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber was right. You brought the house down. Right at the beginning. SIMON: I agree with Randy. This was one of your strongest performances so far. You showed massive personality, and I don’t know if you’ll take this as a compliment or not, but this is your element. *Sigh*esha is perfectly fine with that. Duh, Simon, she’s an actress. Pauler really wants to say something. PAULER: It didn’t hurt your performance at all to have Ricky Minor dancing with you. RYAN: You’re a conductor tonight, not a Pussycat Doll. SARAHK: Ryan would like that.
Eee. Jason is going to sing “Memory.” I forgot the words to that one time when I was singing at a Valentine’s Day banquet for people at my high school drama teacher’s church. It turned out fine, my friend Mary helped me until I finally got over my stagefright at the end. It was the first time I ever performed anywhere in my life, and I was peeing my pants. Oooooh, my Jason is wearing a blazing white suit for the first time ever on the show. He’s on the Stool of Ganja, and… well… SARAHK: He’s a little retarded. FRANK: Yeah. SARAHK: I don’t care. ALW says it’s the first time he’s ever heard a man singing “Memory”… with dreadlocks. “A little bit of a jolt for this Brit.” He explains to Jason that the song is from Cats, and it’s being sung by an ancient old glamourpuss. Jason’s like, “I didn’t know a cat was singing it.” ALW tells Jason he has to let himself go in a way he never has before. Jason is scared. “I mean, it’s like a really popular song.” “I wouldn’t be surprised if he ignores every single thing I’ve told him and then… does it rather better just because he’s him.” If I were Catholic, this is the time I would choose to cross myself. Now he sings. “I was beautiful then…” You’re beautiful now. I held my breath the whole time. For my part, that was as good as when he sang “Hallelujah.” I don’t think the judges will agree, but we’ll see. I’m going to vote for him a million times. RANDY: You know, musically it was a little bit of a trainwreck, right. But I do like that you with the dreads singing that kind of song… It’s too much melody for me for you. PAULER: I’m going to say this. Everyone is used to hearing a strong female balladeer sing this song. I think this was a wise choice. You put your own thing into this. She’s really going on and on and on. Simon has become impatient. SIMON: Jason, it felt to me, and I’m sure to you, the longest two minutes of your life. It came over as a young guy being forced by your mum and dad to sing that song at a wedding. You were miserable up there, blah blah blah. SARAHK: You take it back! RYAN: I’m at home and voting. With this theme, you’re at home on your couch. How do you vote? SIMON: For that, you don’t. But you know, Ryan, it’s a democracy, it’s America, you can do whatever you want. SARAHK: I’m voting, yo. Everybody better quit hatin’. I’ma get really upset up in here. I can’t get through on either of his lines.
Brooke is third. She’s singing “You Must Love Me” from the movie version of Evita. Madonna did this so well, and I think Brooke could sing it well, too. ALW’s first thoughts on Brooke: “I don’t think that girl had a *clue* what she was singing about.” Thank you! She NEVER has a clue what she’s singing about! It’s her biggest weakness. He tells her what it’s all about, and by the end of their session, she is so into it that he tells her she’s a natural actress. Brooke starts, and she forgets the first line. “I’m sorry, can we start again?” Ok, the vocals are beautiful, she nails that part of it. She looks great, I love the dress. It’s familiar — at least in the movie version (I’ve never seen it in the theater), Madonna wears an off-white dress with black flowers on it, if I’m not mistaken, so this dress really works. Now the bad stuff. Emoting with her hands, which are kind of gigantic and manly (but perfect for piano playing). She’s doing the same hand motion over and over, like she’s throwing rose petals at her sister’s wedding (which she had to miss). She’s trying too hard on the acting part. Way overdoing it. But thank goodness (and ALW) that she’s not smiling throughout this sad song. Maybe she’ll take his advice into next week. Anyway, with my eyes closed it was good. But that’s twice this season that she’s had to stop and restart her song, and I can’t take the hands. Put them in a pocket or hold on to the mic stand with all your might, please. This time the restart was more glaring because she had to ask the band to stop. Not very professional (says the amateur who sings with her eyes closed). RANDY: Check it out. For me, this wasn’t great. There were some parts that were good. Vocally it was just a little tough. I like that you actually listened to Andrew Lloyd Webber, because one thing is that you guys really need to believe what you’re singing. PAULER: Looooooong pause. This can’t be good. You must never start and stop. Having said that, this is the biggest show and biggest platform that no matter what, you’re good enough to pick up the pieces. What I liked about this song was that you didn’t overact. Anything that was broken vocally was an emotional thing of yours. SIMON: This is why I love live TV. It was so dramatic, the beginning. The trouble is, Brooke, it completely threw you so that you became so tense to remember the words that your voice started straining in the middle. It actually became uncomfortable. So this is a tricky one. I think you’re going to be very disappointed when you watch this back. RYAN: What went wrong? Why’d you start over? BROOKE: I lost the lyric. First time I’ve done that on this show. RYAN: What would you have done, Simon? SIMON: I would have done exactly what she did. It was a very brave thing to do, you know, it’s your opportunity, why not? PAULER: Blah blah I don’t want to sound like the mean one here, so Brooke, you are so believable, you could have sang anything that fell from the heart into my vodka. RANDY: She did the right thing starting and stopping. SARAHK: Ok, here’s the deal. The restart was the right move. Otherwise, we’d be like “SHE FORGOT THE WORDS!” Instead, we’re going, “Ouch. She restarted. But she did it as gracefully as you can do an awkward moment.” The voice was very good, I don’t know what they’re talking about with the straining. I’m finally pleased with the notes she’s hitting. Pauler, she didn’t overact that? It was a little overacted, and the hand modeling just killed the whole thing. But at least she understood what she was singing. Anyway, it was a great vocal, and I’ll download it when they have the studio version up on iTunes.
David A is on the Stool of Tweenage Love. All his little tweeny fans have come up to hug him. He’s like, “Ew! Girls! They have cooties! Get them off!” He’s singing “Think of Me,” a beautiful song, and he’s trying to trick it all up in rehearsals to make it his own right in front of the master. Oh, I don’t think you wrote this one with the right rhythm, so I’m just gonna fix it for you, okay? “Well, you completely wrong-footed me, because I didn’t think I would ever hear that song sung like that.” David says it was nervewracking to butcher it right in front of him. ALW says we should all be saying “Bravo.” Yes, well I’m going to have to disagree with him on that. “I have two words of advice for you. One, open your eyes. And two, open your eyes.” “I just can’t watch someone sing who’s got their eyes closed.” Your advice is too late for me, Sir ALW, but it’s good you’re telling this camera lover that. Oooooh, I just realized this is a going home song. Of course, so was Brooke’s. And Jason’s, for that matter. He’s completely ruining this song. Bleerrrrrrrrrrrrg. Just blerg. Get him off this show! STAT! He made a beautiful song (which I’ve heard sung so awesomely on soundtracks and in the movies and live by my friend Susan) into bubble gum pop, and I’m so serious about tossing him into that pit, kids. RANDY: That was the bomb, baby! SARAHK: Are you kidding me? RANDY: This is the one to beat! PAULER: Absolut-ly perfect, David. Haha, y’all see what I did there? It will come to you. SIMON: I thought it was pleasant. One of your weakest performances over the live shows. It’s just not one of those performances you’re going to remember. It was forgettable to me. SARAHK: Oh, I’ll remember how he butchered a beautiful song.
Carly thinks she’s going to sing “All I Ask of You,” but ALW cuts her off after the second verse and says that it’s not the song for a girl with a big chest voice. He says she needs to try her second choice, “Jesus Christ, Superstar.” As soon as she starts singing it, he says she must do it. She gets all happy and agrees. She’s out in a rockin’ dress, which she has told ALW will be really cool or something. The whole vocal is great… BUT. I don’t think you should sing a song where you can’t actually hit the notes required of you. I’m uncomfortable hearing the backup singers sing the high notes while Carly harmonizes. That’s not a lead singer thing to do. Am I right? Or is the song written that way? (I’ve never paid much attention, it’s just not my cup of tea, that musical.) For the second BUT. She looks awesome, she is owning the stage for the first time in forEVER, she’s wearing sleeves, she’s actually alive up there and not angry, and this is the first time that I can remember her truly looking and acting like a star. I’m still not pleased with copping out on the high notes, but what are you gonna do when there are only altos and one mezzo soprano left among the girls in this competition. *Sigh*esha is the only one who can sing higher notes, but she’s usually the most boring, so I haven’t even been able to get excited *at all* about the vocal range of these chicks. RANDY: Yo yo. Check it. It’s no surprise to me that the bigger voices are doing the best tonight. I don’t know if it was your best, but it was good. And your outfit is fly. PAULER: I wasn’t sure what would happen because that song’s a little out of your range, but I love what you did in the chorus. SARAHK: I don’t love what you did in the chorus. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I hate what you did in the chorus. If you can’t hit the notes, don’t sing the song. PAULER: And only a pro can do that. SARAHK: No, anyone can cop out, that doesn’t take a pro. SIMON: It got a little bit shouty there in the middle, but it was one of my favorite performances of the night. SARAHK: One of mine too, but I’m not sure I can get over the copout thing by the time my voting time is up. Carly runs and gets a tshirt that she’s got waiting on standby that says “Simon loves me (this week)”. She’s yayyying herself like crazy. BTW, you should be kissing ALW’s feet, Carly, because he totally saved your backside tonight. If you’d sung “All I Ask of You,” you’d be going home.
David Cook will once again close the show. He’s singing “The Music of the Night” from Phantom. He grew up doing musical theater. Dude. ALW says it’s the sexiest, most sensual song he’s ever written. “You’re supposed to be singing to the most gorgeous girl you’ve ever seen in your life, but unfortunately, I’m not her.” “It was a little weird having to stare longingly into Lord Andrew’s eyes.” ALW is short, I notice. “If David can get some of that raw passion and yet that sophisticated passion that the Phantom also brings to it, then he might pull this off. If he just comes out of himself a bit, blah blah blah.” David is singing now, and it’s lovely. Uh-hawesome. He hit that high note perfectly, and I raised my arms in triumph. Why his triumph is mine, I do not know. The end is great. Excellent. Best of the night, I think. RANDY: A molten hot lava bomb tonight! Right he-yah! PAULER: You have a beautiful instrument. Fantastic. SIMON: I think you made the most of the song. This is not the side of you I like, which is the gritty… It was too rounded off. But you made the most of the song you were given.
Strong night, actually. The only performance I hated was David A’s. My order:
David Cook*****
Carly (but I’m not solid on this)***
Jason*****
Brooke (with my eyes closed)
*Sigh*esha
David A
I think the bottom three will be… Jason, Brooke, *Sigh*esha. Going home… *Sigh*esha. She just sang too early.
More American Idol at sirlinksalot.
I mean, the end of tonight’s show wasn’t quite as awesome as the opening a couple of weeks ago when he disposed of half of Brazil without even blinking, but I did cheer tonight. Sic semper child molestors.
That reminds me, though. I don’t like it when they fake me out on the intro. Horatio has a perfect sunglasses moment, I start cheering and expecting to hear The Who shouting “YEAAAAAAAAHHHH” along with me, and lately they’ve been pausing for several long moments just trying to make sure I can’t cheer along.
I won’t stand for it.
mountaineer musings got glutened. I am researching how to fix it, but I have a feeling it’s a bad thing when your users table disappears.
*I think it would have been really funny if, when Callie walked into Joe’s Bar, the Chief stood up and said, “Callie! It’s not what you think! I’m not having an affair! We’re Cylons!”
*I love how Roslyn pwn3d Apollo at the Quorum meeting. I didn’t love it so much when he pwn3d her back.
*Callie should have known better. Never trust a Cylon, especially a skinjob.